


phoenix

by iijustoii



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anger, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ash Lynx Lives, Ash Lynx Needs A Hug, Awkward Conversations, Awkwardness, Beware, Character Study, Cheating, Childhood Trauma, College, Confrontations, Confusion, Cross-cultural, Cultural Differences, Depression, Dreams and Nightmares, Drinking, Drunk Driving, Drunk Sex, Drunken Confessions, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotions, Established Relationship, Everyone Needs A Hug, Explicit Sexual Content, Five Stages of Grief, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gang Violence, Geographical Isolation, Hangover, Healing, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, Hook-Up, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internalized Homophobia, Isolation, Long-Distance Relationship, Long-Term Relationship(s), Lovers to Friends, M/M, Miscommunication, Morning After, Nightmares, Okumura Eiji Needs a Hug, One Night Stands, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Violence, Phone Calls & Telephones, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Rape Recovery, Recovery, References to Addiction, References to Depression, Secret Relationship, Self-Harm, Starting Over, Suicidal Thoughts, Talking, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Violence, i need to be asleep, if you are reading this, including - Freeform, it is 1 in the morning, leave a comment to tell me what your preferred mode of transportation is, seriously, thank you, written by a sleep deprived lunatic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-19
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2020-12-23 23:00:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 42,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21089222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iijustoii/pseuds/iijustoii
Summary: "Ash Lynx needed to end the violence where he had started it. He needed to dissolve the gang, but to do so, he needed to pay his debts. Give the gangs back their power, pay off whoever in his gang wanted an out, and give them the safety net they never had.Of course, all of this required money he didn’t have yet. Ash had a large sum of his 'father’s' fortune waiting for him but that meant Ash needed to get Dino’s affairs in order. He had to take care of business like a businessman: make people happy, amend propositions, cater to their whims.He could play by Dino’s rules if it meant no gilded cage.He could break off from the world he had grown in, start his new life well compensated for his struggles."~ Dino is dead and Ash is trying to leave his life of pain and sadness, but like every good tragedy, something happens. ~





	1. crash and burn

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!!! No, this is not my third Banana Fish story and yes, this is a problem. 
> 
> I know that it is an overdone arch, but more will be explained and divulged in the later chapters. After all, recovery is a tender time for anyone, so what happens when the very thing you are recovering from decides to haunt you again? 
> 
> Anyways, please proceed with caution, this may get rough.
> 
> (trigger warnings at bottom)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A finish line, a glass of wine, a report, a knife, and a profile picture.

**ACT I**

In a weird, slightly disturbed way, Dino’s death was Ash’s rebirth. His turning point. The dawn of a new day.

Ash finally was free. For maybe the first time in his life, he could be his own person. Not someone else’s plaything or sugarbaby or son, his own being. He felt like life was a vast ocean: flooded with hope and possibilities, filled with adventure and danger and joy and pain. Just the way life was suppose to be lived.

But before he could savor all of the wonders of life, Ash had to settle to scores.

Ash Lynx needed to end the violence where he had started it. He needed to dissolve the gang, but to do so, he needed to pay his debts. Give the gangs back their power, pay off whoever in his gang wanted an out, and give them the safety net they never had. 

Of course, all of this required money he didn’t have yet. Ash had a large sum of his “father’s” fortune waiting for him but that meant Ash needed to get Dino’s affairs in order. He had to take care of business like a businessman: make people happy, amend propositions, cater to their whims. He could play by Dino’s rules if it meant no gilded cage. He could break off from the world he had grown in, start his new life well compensated for his struggles. 

He figured it was the least he could ask for.

**____________________________________**

“Hey Ash,” Sing smiled, bright and brilliant. “Part of the crew is heading to Chang Dai, want to come?”

“Sure, let me check the post office first,” Ash spoke, ruffling the kid’s hair on the way out.

Since the weight of responsibility had been slipping off of his shoulder and back to the respectful bosses, Ash felt more able to himself. He had made friends out of the other gang leaders and regulars, blending in with them more as an equal rather than a superior. Sure, he didn’t weigh any of them with his troubles, but he was more open with his emotions. He gave sass, compliments, his dignity; even letting them tease him about his boyfriend.

“If there’s any of those good pencils, save me one,” Sing pointed at him, walking off in the opposite direction

“I will,” Ash called back, checking the time on his phone and calculating what time of day it would be in Japan. 

_ Eiji._

Ash could see his face, spread into a warm smile that rivaled the sun. The freckles that dusted his cheeks from their prolonged adventures in the summer sun. The hair that was a shade too brown to be black, flecked with grass particles from when they were wrestling on the ground. The dot of sunscreen on his nose, nuzzled with dirt. The big, brown eyes, brimming with joy and affection, staring right into Ash’s heart. 

Ash never talked about how he felt about Eiji. He didn’t need to. Everyone knew Ash Lynx would conquer death, steal the stars and the moon, walk to the corners of the earth, all in the name of Okumura Eiji. 

Ash clicked through his phone to dial Eiji. It was a Saturday; the only days of the week his boyfriend didn’t do school work and stood to be prime time to talk with his boyfriend giving him the proper attention.

_“Nandeshou?” _Eiji retorted back, his voice disgruntled and Japanese tired and frustrated. 

“Geez, I should have figured old men like you go to sleep so early,” Ash teased, his boyfriend groaning in response. “What’s got you in a grumpy mood?”

“I’ve been up since four in the morning and I’ve been working on a group project for six hours.”

“Didn’t we yesterday talk till one, your time?”

“Yes,” Eiji moaned, sounding terribly tired.

"Ouch,” Ash hissed, feeling bad for waking up his boyfriend. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. It’s my fault anyway.”

“You know, science says that when you can’t sleep, someone is thinking about you.”

“Thanks for that Ash,” Eiji grumbled, clearly not as amused as Ash. 

“Hey, I was trying to be smooth,” Ash laughed, opening the door to the post office to access his P.O. box.

“Be smooth when I’m awake, whatever that means,” Eiji grumbled, yawning on the other end of the phone.

“It means flirting but in a cool way,” Ash explained, a person behind the desk perking up from their phone. 

“...You know you can’t use cool as an adjective for everything.”

“Look it up, it’s a colloquial thing,” Ash tried to explain, putting his hand to the phone to say, “I’m here to pick up a package for Aslan Callenresse.”

The employee went behind a wall, giving Ash time to put his ear back the phone.

“Could you repeat that?”

“I was SAYING that I don’t know what colloquial means,” Eiji restated exasperatedly.

“It means idioms. Like who ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ or your weird thing with bodies and minds.”

“Oh, you mean_ itai dooshin_? It’s not weird.”

“Different bodies, same mind? Pretty weird to me.”

The employee came back with two packages, Ash pinching the phone in between his shoulder and his ear.

“_You’re _weird,” Eiji retorted. 

“You’re weirder,” Ash threw back, working on signing for the packages and paying the person with one hand and 10% of his attention.

“Ash.”

“Yes?” Ash spoke back, taking the phone in his hand at the seriousness at Eiji’s tone.

“Can I go back to sleep?”

“Sure,” Ash smiled, a little relieved. “Take care of yourself and call when you wake up.”

“Will do. Kisses.”

“Kisses to you too,” Ash hung up, looking at the employee who was tapping away at the screen.

“Sorry about that,” Ash smiled, feeling the embarrassed grin on his cheeks. 

“Not at all,” the employee smiled, handing off the receipt. “Sounds like she makes you happy.”

“_He _is pretty amazing,” Ash stated, taking the package in hand. 

The employee didn’t say anything, instead leaving Ash to walk out in judgmental silence. But he didn’t care, not when had a care package waiting for him to open and a lovely boyfriend a phone call away.

Well compensated indeed. 

**____________________________________**

It had been about a month and a half since Dino had died. The conglomerate Dino ran had slowly been crumbling to the ground, and after the scandal, the stock prices had dropped the worth of the company to dirt. 

Ash, being the beneficiary of Dino’s funds, found himself in the position of deal-breaking with Dino’s board of directors—a group of fat, self-entitled men with an uncanny resemblance to a certain recently-deceased ringleader.

They agreed the circumstances of Dino’s demise was hurting the company and it would be safer for everyone if they all took what they had left and ran. However, there was one man on Dino’s board, pudgy and balding like the rest, that was insisting on keeping the company running, saying they would come back. Nothing they said swayed his decision, and seeing as he was the chief financial officer, they couldn’t take their shares without getting him on board.

“Is there anything I could do that would convince you to leave the company as it is?” Ash practically pleaded once the rest of the members had left. 

The man thought for a moment. “I wouldn’t mind meet up for dinner, discussing the future of the company.”

Ash grinned, catching sight of his final leg, his last hurtle, his finish line. 

“I would be happy to attend.”

**____________________________________**

“Eiji, why do I have to do everything?” Ash complained to the mirror, a phone line open.

“Because then you don’t have to be a boss if you have money.”

“Yah,” Ash sighed, throwing on a tuxedo that he had rented. It was onyx black with a starch white shirt. It was fit for him, not a hair or feature out of place. (It reminded him of something Dino would buy for him.)

“Well, after you’re done be civilized, call me. I had something-”

“Boss! A limo is here.”

“Eiji I have to go,” Ash called back, tapping his phone off of speaker mode and putting the phone to his ear. “I know I’ll call after...sayanora...okay, I’m sorry, I won’t use that word again...yah, okay BYE.”

Ash ended the call, looking at Cain’s smug expression after Ash aggressively hung up on his boyfriend. 

“So this is it?” Cain asked, walking out with Ash.

“Should be.”

“After this, you’re stepping down?”

“It’s not like I can be the boss for the rest of my life,” Ash shrugged, stepping outside to the purring beast of a limo. 

“No, it’s just...it feels a little too good to be true,” Cain pointed out, as Ash opened the limo’s door. 

“You think?” 

“I don’t know, maybe it’s just me being paranoid.”

Ash looked at the hood of the limo. 

He didn’t want to think about what could go wrong when everything forward was going to be right. Aslan Callenresse had been shoveled under years of daddy issues, trauma, depression, and suicidal tendencies and for the first time in his life, he felt like was finally clawing himself out of that grave. One thing was for sure, Ash was not about to let Cain’s random paranoia crush his newfound optimism. 

“Well, take care,” Ash waved off, climbing into the limo. 

“You too.”

**____________________________________**

Ash clambered out of the limo as gracefully as possible, noticing how away from the towering city he was, the city lights a backsplash to the gated residential area filled with pristine mansions, towering fences, and manicured lawns. The limo had dropped him off at a mansion coated in shining white paint, roman columns, and rigid architecture. It didn’t appeal to Ash’s taste but he was always someone who enjoyed a nice brick building or a worn, moldy apartment—something loved and lived in.

Ash stepped up to the door and rang the doorbell, hearing the chime on the other side of the door. While he waited for someone to admit him in, he fiddled with the bottle of wine he had brought as a peace offering: a smoky pinot noir wine from Dino’s more expensive selection that Ash had been able to find at a local wine store. 

A maid opened the door, smiling brilliantly and welcoming him in. She was a pretty thing; perfectly constructed bun, delicate hazel eyes, youthful. Actually, she looked was fairly young to be a maid, maybe in her high twenties and low thirties. 

The maid took the bottle and told him Mr. Jameson would love it, checking the label and setting it down on a nearby table. 

“Mr. Jameson is finalizing the dinner plans. He’ll be out shortly,” she explained.

“Thank you, Ms-?”

“Ms. Briggs,” she introduced, tucking a stray hair behind her ear and letting a tender blush tickle her cheeks.

“Nice to meet you, Ms. Briggs,” Ash held out his hand, pressing a kiss to her hand like a gentleman.

He finally had a moment to take in his surroundings, Ms. Briggs going through her tour of the home: its history, its celebrities, its worth. She constantly looked back at Ash and once he would make eye contact, she would go back to gesture to all of the artwork, the architecture, the various rooms, her voice more enthusiastic. 

Ash was aware that the woman was flirting with him, catching her eyes flitting to his ring finger and back up to exchange a warm smile. If Ash hadn’t already signed away his heart, his affection, his soul, his PTSD, his desperate need for attention, and his many oversized shirts to Eiji, he probably wouldn’t have felt guilty about asking her out to dinner. But he loved his boyfriend with all of his being, and no one and nothing would destroy that.

Ash continued to walk through the home, thinking of Dino’s mansion with its endless, carpeted hallways and intricate layout. It felt about the same, boasting a three-story library, a few spare homes on the premise, and several centuries of extensions and renovations. In Ash’s direct eyes was the burgundy carpet, crystal chandelier, various expensive artworks: family portraits and paintings in golden frames and priceless vases filled with bouquets of anemone, rhododendron, tansy, and hollyhock.

(Ash had gotten quite good at identifying flowers after spending time with Nadia.)

“Mr. Callenresse, a pleasure to see you,” Mr. Jameson greeted, stepping out of an empty hallway.

“Pleasure to see you too,” Ash shook, feeling the pressure of the Mr. Jameson’s sweat palm. 

“I apologize, there were some matters I had to deal with,” Mr. Jameson spoke, pulling out a cigar from his breast pocket of his jacket.

“Everything work out well?” Ash asked politely, watching Mr. Jameson light the cigar and smoke inside without a care. After all, it wasn’t his job to pleasurable; it was Ash’s job.

“Yes, everything was sorted out in the end.”

“I hope my presence isn’t much of a burden on you,” Ash excused politely, going through his mental checklist for flattery. 

Make them feel good. Put yourself down. Ask about themselves. Come off as insecure. Don’t be an asshole.

“Not at all. Your company is most welcome. Come, the first course should be out soon.”

Ash followed Mr. Jameson to the spotless dining room, a white table cloth set with candles, a chandelier of intricate glass, and a dark wood interior to wrap the setting in a civilized, formal feeling. There were already two bottles on the table; the one Ash had brought and another expensive brand Ash had had once. 

“I hoped we could have a sip of wine before we get started on the dealings,” Mr. Jameson explained, uncorking his selection. “Have you ever had this?”

“No sir, I do not think I’ve had this bottle before,” Ash lied, swirling the wine around as if to check for its sediment.

“It’s quite expensive,” Mr. Jameson bragged. “A bottle of this goes for about twenty five million dollars.”

Normally, Ash wouldn’t have flinched at the numbers. He had handled far more than that, but was playing pleasant guest, so he had to acted surprised, pretend to refuse the cup, say he wasn’t worth the price.

But something was going on funny in Ash’s head. His fingers were starting to feel fuzzy and his feet morphed into flippers.

“I’m terribly sorry sir, but do you have I’ve just come down with something. Is there anyway you could get me a ride home? We can-”

_ “No.” _

Ash’s vision was tilting, but he could still feel the hand steadying his lulling head as his limbs slowly stopped working properly.

“Wha?”

“When I heard Dino Golzine left a son, I knew you weren’t biological,” Mr. Jameson explained. “You were too beautiful to be Dino’s. No, you are something else, aren’t you?”

Ash’s head was starting to fill with static but his eyes closed, but he swore that past the static, past the cotton in his ears, past the hunger in Mr. Jameson’s eyes, he heard Cain’s voice speak.

_ It feels a little too good to be true. _

**____________________________________**

Aslan Callenresse, known leader of the gangs in New York, had been called in missing by a concerned citizen. According to the citizen, a Max Lobo, Ash had been missing for five days now, last seen in a rented tuxedo on his way to a dinner with a business associate. The police were hesitant to help until two detective vouched for Ash, setting off a raid that consisted of two dozen officers.

When the police crashed in, the young man had been sprawled naked out on the bed and compliant with the officers and medical staff on the scene. 

Henry Jameson was arrested for sexual assault and kidnapping (and thrown in the back of a cop car with not a stitch on his body).

Aslan Callenresse gave a detailed account how he had been drugged, restrained, and molested several times during the past four days (he didn’t even realize it was four days). He hadn’t had food, water, and after admitting his statement, he didn’t speak to anyone. 

Aslan Callenresse was admitted to a hospital. He was treated for dehydration, malnutrition, and a small anal tear.

After seventeen hours, Aslan Callenresse was released from the hospital and the police had completed their report and filed charges. 

**____________________________________**

Ash was standing back in his clothes from several days prior. 

It felt laughable, standing where he was five days ago talking with Cain about how all of this was too easy. 

Now look at him. 

He was back to being a shell of a human being. 

Not really human. No...something less.

It felt like he was too open. Despite how he now had clothing on his back, it all felt too bare. His instincts were _ screaming _ at him, screaming that he had eyes trained all over his back. All the nerves on his neck pricked from the waves of wind, like they could sense the ghost floating around him. Even his finger tip coursed with uneasy, looking for something to pull, to tear, to tighten. 

Everything felt wrong. He couldn’t distinguish up from down, darkness to light, existing to living. He wasn’t sure if he was blinking or breathing or circulating blood. His body felt like it was standing in front of another building, on another block, in another city, but his mind was stuck here, looking at the brick building he was calling home.

Ash didn’t remember walking up the stairs to the living room. Only that he got there. 

He felt Alex, Sing, Cain, Bones, Kong and three other gang members, all staring at him. Analyzing him, trying to make sense of him, trying to burn their eyes straight through his soul.

Sing had always been the quickest to jump. He was the first one out of his seat, running towards Ash like he as going to embrace him.

But all Ash could feel was the press of heat, the people rushing towards him, the breathes, the alcohol, the sweat, the skin, and he panicked. 

Coursing with adrenaline, he backed up and pulled the switch knife, slicing where Sing’s face would be, cutting under his eyes and across his nose, through the cartilage and nerves and nicking against the bone.

Ash didn’t hear the curse that slipped from Sing’s mouth, only saw as the outreaching hands coming to his bleeding nose, how his eyes scrunched up from the pain and tears mixed with the blood on his face, the crowd looking at him in disgust, despair, pity, shame, terror, fear.

And then Aslan saw the switch knife connected to his hand. 

And he ran.

**____________________________________**

The door to Ash’s room slammed, everyone tending to Sing’s cut nose. 

“Damn, he got me good,” Sing laughed, clutch the air for something to stem the bleeding. Someone handed him a clump of paper towels.

“What was dat for?” Kong grumbled, holding the towels down delicately where Sing was trying to hold them down.

“Something bad happened. Do you think we could get in touch with Max and see if he knows anything?” Cain asked Alex.

“Sure I could reach out.”

Alex was about to dial up Max when there was a loud clatter in the hallway made everyone jump, followed by a door slamming. 

“Jesus, wha was dat?” Bones asked, Alex getting up to check. 

Ash’s door was shut, but there was a new dent in the wall and Ash’s phone, laying facedown on the ground a few meters away, lining up with the trajectory of the hole in the wall.

As Alex walked up to pick it up, he heard it. Ash’s crying. Loud enough to hear through the door. Ash Lynx, crying. It sounded so heart-wrenchingly human, Ash’s tears. Sure, Alex and the crew had seen him quiet or stuck in his head, but always put an unbreakable seal on his emotions. Maybe he didn’t feel the need to be strong around them, Alex thought hopefully, or maybe this time was so much worse then whatever else had happened...

Alex picked up the phone, swallowing the lump in his throat, and flipping over the phone. The screen was obviously cracked but it seemed to still work. When Alex hit the home button he saw what Ash was crying about.

**_Missed Calls (34) - _****_(づ￣ ³￣)づ_** now

Missed Call and Voicemail

**_Messages (202) - _****_(づ￣ ³￣)づ_** 1h ago

Slide to See Notifications

**Sunshine please talk to me**

**SNAPCHAT** 3h ago 

from nori bitch

**_Missed Calls (21) - _****_dumb pink (alex)_** 17h ago

Missed Call

**_Messages (11) - _****_dumb pink_** **_(alex)_** 1d ago

Slide to See Notifications

**I’m seriously about to call the police can you please answer your damn phone?**

**TWITTER** 2d ago

**nori4life**

Direct Message: Ash, please, I don’t know what I did wrong. I don’t know if you hate me or why, but can we please work through this together?

**INSTAGRAM** 2d ago

norinori1984: Different body, same mind.

**INSTAGRAM **2d ago

norinori1984: I can’t lose you Ash. You’re part of me. 

**INSTAGRAM** 2d ago

norinori1984: I’m trying to be patient but Ash, I’m so tired. No one knows where you are and I am terrified. 

**INSTAGRAM ** 2d ago

norinori1984: I’m sorry

**INSTAGRAM** 2d ago

norinori1984: What did I do wrong? Was it because I decide to put my education first? Are you mad that I have a life and you don’t have one? Is that it?

**_Messages (3) - _****_crackhead jr_** **_ (sing)_** 2d ago

Slide to See Notifications

**Look dude, people are worried, can you please just call?**

**_Missed Calls (7) - _****_crackhead jr (sing)_** 2d ago

Missed Call

**_Messages (1) - _****_able (cain)_** 4d ago

**Alex said you didn’t get home last night?**

Ash’s phone rang again, a candid picture of Eiji waving underwater flashed onto the screen. The water was green and the quality was amazing, showing off his smiling face and whispers of midnight brown hair that spiked out from Eiji’s head. 

Alex looked at Ash’s door, almost checking to see if he had permission, took a deep breathe, and put the phone to his ear.

“Hello?”

“ASH?!” Eiji shouted from the other end of the phone.

“No, sorry, it’s Alex,” Alex responded, stepping away from the door to handle yet another crisis.

“Alex, is Ash safe?” Eiji asked, straight to the point.

“Yah, he just made it home. Reaped alotta chaos when he got back though.”

The receiver on the end picked up more static and clattered a moment later, followed by a steady relief of Japanese. 

“Can I talk to him? Please?” Eiji plead, sounding just as desperate as his text.

“I don’t think he’s takin company for a while,” Alex explained, glancing in the direction of Ash’s door. He settled himself on a window sill on the far side of the hallway while he talked to Eiji.

“What do you mean? What happened?” 

The state Eiji was in. He sounded so concern, frantic, truthfully hysterical.

(Alex was aware how Eiji had a delicate heart towards Ash, just as Ash did for him. After all, Ash Lynx doesn’t beat up many people in the name of someone else, but if anyone dared to call his boyfriend anything worse than ‘that Japanese kid,’ he would would be glad to show them who the boss was. [A guy called Eiji the f-word and almost lost his dick in the process. Ash was visibly fuming for the rest of the day and banished him from New York. No one knows where he is now.])

“We don’t know. He just showed back up after disappearing for five days. We hadda get Max to call the police but we were aboutta check with him when Ash threw his phone.”

Eiji was quiet on the other side, the thinking almost audible. 

“What happened when he showed back up?” Eiji finally asked, cautious of his words.

“He looked like a mess. Like he came home from a night of partyin too much. Everyone’s just happy to see him alive but what got everyone was when Sing runs up. Usually Ash doesn’t care about Sing being Sing, right? But as soon as Sing was in arm's length, Ash cut him, on his damn nose. Lotta blood, lotta cursing, and as soon as Ash was there, he was gone. Like a ghost. It was a little terrifying. He’s in his room now, but...I swore I heard him crying.”

Eiji was thinking for a moment before he gasped. 

“Oh _ korosuzo _ please don’t be what I think it is,” Eiji grumbled, following a string of harsh Japanese. 

“Eiji, what are you thinking?” Alex pressed, unsure what to do with the groaning mess of a man. 

Eiji seemed to get all of the cursing out his system before the line went too quiet for too long.

“Hello?”

“Yah, sorry,” Eiji sniffled, making a sound of displeasure. His voice sounded rawer, more torn up, like he had been crying. 

“Whatta yuh think happened?” Alex asked carefully, unsure if he wanted to know what Eiji was predicting.

“I don’t think you’re going to like it.”

“Well fuck, it’s not like I got any otha info!” Alex shouted, realizing his mistake as soon as it left his mouth.

“You don’t think I fucking know how that feels?!” Eiji lashed out, voice rising in volume and anger. “I’ve gotten radio silence for five days. No calls, no text, no video chats. I’m halfway across the world and you’re complaining about lack of information?!”

“Eiji-”

“Alex,” Eiji started, his voice sounding less angry and more desperate, more yearning, more hurt. “I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I can’t function because all I can think about is what happened or if he’s dead and now...I should have here from him. I should have not come back to Japan. I should have ran away with Ash from the hospital-”

“Eiji, stop. You soundin like a crazy person.” In all honesty, Alex was flailing. Eiji was more out of control than he would have expected answering this call (he didn't know what he had expected but definitely not this). Alex had vainly hoped to tell him what had happen, give him over to Max, and then have married man deal with the relationship advice. Alex was aware that Eiji had a right to be insane, but damn was it scary. 

“I feel like I’m going crazy! I can’t stand this! I can’t stand myself. I should have been there now.”

“Eiji, no. You still gotta go to school,” Alex attempted to calm, but apparently, that added more fuel to the flame.

“Fuck school! It’s not like Ash isn’t already rich. I don’t need an education.”

_Fuck this, time to man up._ “Eiji, calm down. This is gettin outta hand and you need to take a deep breathe." Alex was aware how harsh it sounded, so he prefaced it with, "clearly, you’re going through some stuff and I don’t blame you...Just, take a deep breathe.”

The several deep breathe passed through the receiver.

Until Eiji's breathing started to shake, and fall into a pattern of broken breathing. A thunk heard on the other end of the phone line. 

“I miss him,” Eiji’s voice cracked, followed by more breathy noises.

_ Oh... _Alex realized. _ Eiji's crying..._

“I miss him so much,” Eiji repeated, like he needed to prove his love. Like he couldn't express all of that in all of his two hundred and two message and thirty four calls.

“I know. He misses you too." 

They all knew it was true. It was why the boss smiled brighter days before he left for Japan every few weeks. It was why the boss frowned darker after he came back. It was why they sent jackets back and forth in the mail. It was why the boss was attached to his phone all of the time, constantly sending text messages, pictures, memes, consistently calling and videochating at absurd hours of the night. Sometimes, the clothing, the words, the pictures, they bring you closer to each other, even when you're halfway across the world.

“He’s always there for me, now I’m not there for him.”

“It’s okay Eiji. I’m sure he understands.”

Eiji tried taking a deep breathe. Maybe to center himself, Alex doesn't know. (He hasn't dealt with this much emotion since he broke up with Ella Monroe, and that was three years ago.)

The breathes were shaky, but they were breathes all the same.

“...I think Ash got raped.”

“What?” Alex stumbled, a small panic building in his chest. 

“Ash, he..." Eiji sighed, collecting whatever was built up in his chest, and pushing out the air. "He doesn’t talk about it but if something sets him off, he get snappy or runs away. Gets panicked super easily. Doesn’t like to be touched...It just sounded like what happened with Sing.” 

Alex ran through the scenario with the context in mind. It made sense; Sing did almost jump on him and before Alex could look up, Ash was gone, but to have the instinct to cut a person? 

“Okay, but has he ever hurt you during one of these states?” Alex asked, fearing the answer at the other end.

The silence all but confirmed Alex’s question.

“It wasn’t his fault."

“Like hell it is!” Alex yelled, angry at himself, at Ash, at the damn world. Ash almost cut Sing's nose in two! And that shit wasn't getting healed with the power of love (whatever fucked up love those two had). “First he hurts you, now Sing, what’s next? Murder?!”

“YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!” Eiji screamed into the phone, set off like a pack of C-4. “HE’S _ TRAUMATIZED__! _HE’S BEEN RAPED SINCE HE WAS SIX! GIVE HIM A FUCKING BREAK!”

Eiji panted out the last of his anger, slowly letting the tension in his lungs out. Alex waited to hear the drone of static before he deemed it was safe to talk. 

“I’m sorry Eiji.”

“I’m sure you are,” Eiji bit back, clearly not in the mood anymore to be comforted by Alex. 

“Do you need me to get you in touch with Max?” Alex asked, clearly deferring emotional support to Max. Max and Eiji were closer, and clearly Alex is out of his emotional depth.

“Sure.”

“Okay, I’ll send you his number...I’m really sorry Eiji, I’m just worried about him.”

“I know,” Eiji sighed. “I’m sorry for blowing up at you. Just, you don’t need to be his right-hand man, just be his man.”

“I thought you were his man,” Alex teased, Eiji sighing again on the other end. “Too soon?”

“A little.”

“I’m sorry man.”

“It’s okay. We’ll get through this." There was a lull in the silence, like a build up to something. "And, when I said it wasn’t his fault-”

“Forget it," Alex waved off, tired of fighting. (Knives and guns were easier to deal with than tears and shouting.) "As long as no one dies, we won’t talk about it.”

“Okay…”

“...Is there something else you want to say?” Alex asked, sensing the words on the tip of Eiji’s tongue. 

There was shifting on the other side of the phone line. 

“I’m studying abroad next trimester.”

“Really?” Alex startled.

Because that mean Eiji was coming back. Eiji would be back in America. 

It sounded exciting, seeing Eiji again. Two years and all they had to show of him was whatever Ash had gotten. Maybe a few scattered photographs between Bones and Kong but there was little physical evidence. Just the jackets, the pens, the short-lived candies. But having the physical person there was going to fun; maybe not as fun as it use to be and significantly less life-threatening, but still exciting.

“Yah. At a campus in New York. I was going to tell Ash, but...it doesn't matter. I’m still coming.”

“When will you be here?”

“In two week.”

“Well, send us your info. We’ll send a greeting committee.” 

“It’s okay, I’ll come to you all. Easier for one person to move around than a group of people.”

Alex didn’t fight back from Eiji’s politeness; he sounded like he had any fight left in him. After all, he had plead, cried, screamed, and consoled all in one phone call—anyone would be emotionally spent.

“I guess...Okay, I’m going to check on Sing,” Alex spoke, setting himself off of the windowsill. It was pretty dusty and now had a shoe print and a butt imprint.

“Okay, text me with any news.”

“Okay. Take care Eiji.”

“You too.”

** _(づ￣ ³￣)づ_ **

**[Call Ended 1:02:32]**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: implied rape, graphic violence, gross physiological details
> 
> Dedication: To those who are rape survivors and those that care for them.  
You are all strong, beautiful people that deserve comfort and care. <3
> 
> Korosuzo - literally translated to “I’ll kill you” but is one of the strongest curses someone can use against their enemies. In the context, Eiji is using it against the world because he is that distraught. (Also I’m not a native Japanese speaker I had to look this up because apparently the Japanese do not have strong curse words)
> 
> For all the flower nuts out there:  
~ Anemone - fragility  
~ Rhododendron - beware  
~ Tansy - “I declare war on you”  
~ Hollyhock - ambition
> 
> I know that is very rough (especially for my angel Eiji, bless his soul) but this is basically about their recovery please stick it out because everything gets better.  
Light can not exist without dark, just like fluff can not exist without angst.
> 
> Anyways, please leave a kudos or a comment for some love and I will happily respond back. 
> 
> ෆ╹ .̮ ╹ෆ
> 
> ~ iijustoii


	2. light in the dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A cracked screen, a pact, a cutout, an adjustment, a heaven, a lanyard, a preservation, and a door

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before we get started with the show, I would like to explain a few things:  
Italics work weirdly in this story. If they are used as without quotes, they’re are thoughts/emphasis (you’ll be able to tell which is which). If they are used with quotes, they are spoken in another language (because you have to think about how to say something in another language). I just want warn you in case there is any confusion because I have to use both to get points across and instead of google translating a bunch of Japanese or bolding things (which is strange in my perspective of writing), I just said, “Italicize Everything”. 
> 
> There are song lyrics and if you click on them, they will send you to the song. I recommend listening to them because I love music and they fit really well with the tone of the segment (also they’re just good songs in general). 
> 
> Speaking of music, here is a song to listen to while you read that goes well with the content of the chapter:  
[Slowed Down by Mac Aryes](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jAjHucs8Q8)  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jAjHucs8Q8
> 
> Also there is some E content but since it is one parts and not the entire fic, I didn’t change the rating (not that it matters much to most) but if you want to skip short sex stuff, the passage starts with “They were kissing” and ends with “Eiji pulled away.”
> 
> Trigger warnings at the bottom.

The first day, he chalked it up to a late night of partying. Sure, it was uncharacteristic for Ash to not call before going to bed but Eiji didn’t think much of it. He probably needed to blow off steam.

Eiji was just excited to surprise Ash. Everything was ready to be sprung, he just had to let Ash know before he set everything in motion. He already had the money set up from a venture of Ash’s, the suspicious permission of his parents, and the paperwork filled and sent in. All he needed was a boyfriend to sweep him off of his feet like a cliche American romantic comedy (at least that was how Ash described it).

Despite how there was no message from Ash, he still checked his phone incessantly, setting down his pencil to pick up his phone to find no notifications from Ash.

What stared back from his lock screen was the towering metropolis of New York. 

He had been lucky enough to bring his camera on a walk and snag a few good pictures. The night was warm on their air-conditioned skin but they continued to stroll around the maze of skyscrapers, Eiji snapping a few pictures with the only professional camera Ibe had let him keep. 

What no one knew about this picture was that Ash was standing next to him, and as Eiji brought the lense from his eye, he captured another image. Aslan, smiling back at him. 

To Eiji and whatever his love wanted to be called, Aslan was Ash’s past: all of those warm, forgotten emotions that slumbered in his soul. Ash was just the byproduct of fiery desires, gunpowder, and cremated corpses. Ash was what Eiji’s lover wanted to separate himself from, and he found that in Eiji’s gentle comfort, Eiji’s considerate touches, and Eiji’s pleasant scent. 

So those moments, where Eiji could reach into the ashes and pull out something underneath, a relic from what Ash use to be, those were cherished within their unspoken connection.

Eiji set down his phone and tried to finish his homework. It was the afternoon, so he set a timer on his phone to check up on Ash tomorrow if he still hadn’t called. 

Dumbass probably slept in. 

**____________________________________**

  
  


**American Boy**

**Heeeeey**

**Did you forgot something?**

**Maybe a certain Japanese boyfriend?**

**I heard he’s pretty hot**

**Is this payback about feeling “neglected”? Because if it is, it’s really shitty. **

**Aaaaash**

**Answer meeeee**

**…**

**Fine, I’m just going to spam you then.**

**Ash!!!**

**A**

**S**

**H**

**I know you’re awake it’s 2pm in New York**

**Which means it’s 4am me time.**

**Which means I’m tired and in need of a good night call.**

**Is everything okay?**

**____________________________________**

“Hey Ash, it’s Eiji. I just wanted to call to see if you were okay and to talk. I never thought I would say this, but I miss your complaining. I almost forgot what it sounded like,” Eiji laughed, a small pang of hurt making him realize _ Ash isn’t on the other end. _ “Anyway, call back. Kisses.”

Eiji hung up the phone more discouraged than he had before the call. He hoped that Ash was just hung over or overslept or some other stupidly reasonable excuse, but all those potentials and his mind was leaping to the worst ones. 

Option number one: He’s dead. Not the least surprising of all of the outcomes with how many enemies were still at large and how many loose ends were left...

Option number two: He’s gotten himself kidnapped. Again. Maybe an old enemy seeking revenge? Yut-Lung in need of a kidney? Honestly, Eiji didn’t know.

Option number three: Dino rose back from the dead and started a legion of zombies. 

Okay, now there’s no chance that was happening (hopefully). 

But Eiji was worried for sure. The longest Ash had been away from the phone was at least a day. They were abnormal circumstances, sure, but it was ten in the morning in New York and Eiji was a weak bitch for certain blond former gangster bosses. 

Eiji looked down at his phone incredulously, wondering who else he could get in contact with. 

The first day in America, Eiji had gotten his phone pick pocketed by someone. Eiji never bothered to get it back among, you know, all of the murder and death and destruction that he had been launched into, but he remembered to get two people’s numbers; one of them was obviously Ash, the other was Shorter, and he was, well, unable to come to the phone.

So he turned to Ibe, who, also unfortunately, was off on some once-in-a-lifetime-opportunity in England to photograph some skeet shooting competition (according to his voicemail). Voicemail-Ibe promised to be back next Monday, which was four days from now, effectively a decade in relationship-endangerment time--whatever advice would be given would be outdated and far, far too late.

Eiji sighed and felt the fatigue tugging at his eyes, and set his phone down. He needed sleep and had a lab tomorrow to finish. 

He would pick this up in the morning. 

**____________________________________**

  
  


_ The gang was at Eiji’s childhood home. They all had to go to high school and Eiji was in charge of getting everyone out of the house. Shorter was crying because he couldn’t smoke in school and Eiji for some wicked reason promised him that he could smoke when he got home. He went about his business and ate his udon at the kitchen table. Cain and Alex already had their backpacks on standing next to the door, each with a different boy band backpack that was too small for their broad shoulders. Nadia had a tie-dye blanket wrapped her shoulders and said that was sick and needed the day off before strutting back into Eiji’s room. _

_ Cain and Alex walked out and Shorter ran into the bathroom, but Eiji saw someone had left their gun. He ran out of the door onto the New York docks, where he was holding Ash’s gun. _

_ “It’s like they’re trying to push us back into the closet.” _

_ Ash and Eiji were on the ground, rolling around and feeling pleasure from their lips, Ash snaking down Eiji’s body and looking up with emerald eyes. _

_ A music tone played when Ash’s head came to the apex of his legs, like his body itself was singing. _

**____________________________________**

  
  


Eiji didn’t bolt up. He did snap back to conciousness, his eyes slowly opening to adjust to the light and he groaned at the sound of his alarm clock. 

He quickly snoozed and looked at the ceiling so awake he knew that he wouldn’t be able to go to sleep...and the fact that he had a boner didn’t help.

Sex was a touchy subject for the couple for obvious reasons, but after plenty of catharic crying and reassurances, they agreed to try again at a time further in the future. 

They had had sex once. Ash had ambushed Eiji during a day of laziness and after knowing that they may never get a chance when Ash would be okay again, Eiji followed through. It was spectacularly short but for Eiji’s first time, it was fantastic, except for, the fallout.

They were kissing. Eiji’s hand sliding up and down around Ash’s cock but Ash’s hand had went from clutching the sheets to grabbing the back of Eiji’s head and thrusting his tongue down Eiji’s throat. Eiji would have choked on it, if he hadn’t felt the sob seize Ash’s lungs.

Eiji pulled away, pulling his mouth away from Ash’s desperate tongue. In Eiji’s lust-infused brain, he saw diamonds, dripping down Ash’s cheek, his lips ruby red and eyes emerald green. He saw precious beauty in every one of Ash’s features, and then saw the anguish in his crinkled, dripping eyes. 

_ I’m sorry, _his voice cracked.

Eiji quickly pulled himself off of Ash’s steaming body, the chill of sweat and Eiji’s cum seeping deeper and deeper into Eiji’s body. He laid himself next to Ash’s body, not touching him, but letting Ash look at the ceiling and cry. 

_ Why do they all look the same? _ Ash plead, looking up at the ceiling of Ash’s hotel room in Japan. _ Why do they all _ ** _feel_ ** _ the same? _

Eiji just shifted to his side, gently wiping Ash’s tears and seeing Ash’s eyes float to his face. Eiji could pinpoint the moment when Ash recognized it was him, and Eiji thought that moment broke them. 

Ash, it’s okay.

_ Fuck, it’s not okay! _Ash cried, throwing his hand down to his bed, the ceiling collapsing down on them.

Eiji felt his eyes burn and spill over. 

No, I guess it isn’t.

It felt better admitting those words with someone else (in present company to cry with) than alone. 

Eiji sat up, feeling his shorts protest the movement. 

He called Ash. He stopped counting after twenty. 

He texted Ash. The words start blurring together and water feel on the screen. 

He waited...and no one came. 

**____________________________________**

  
  


_ He saw Ash, reading a book, his eyes boring through the paper and ink and some emotion gushes from his heart--a mixture of adoration, pain, yearning, and love. Eiji wondered if it was a good thing to feel all of this for one person, but god was he beautiful. Ash never wanted to hear it out loud because he knew he was beautiful, so Eiji would compliment him on his mind, his determination, his taste, his jokes. _

_ Eiji didn’t just want Ash because the fantasies in his mind were more beautiful with Ash in the them, but because he loved Ash. Eiji was in love with Aslan Callenresse and despite all of the shit they would go through, the nightmares, the botched sex, the judgement, everything, Eiji still wanted to be there with Ash. _

_ Ash wasn’t just a pretty face; he was a small, kind soul. Those moments, where Aslan would sit reading books about anything--math, science, fictional worlds--or play music and preen at Eiji’s praise. When he went from being the sulking feline to the quiet mouse--small, quiet, and twitchy--, curling up into Eiji and somehow worrying that one bad move would ruin anything. Eiji thought nothing of it but giving him the praise he deserved and had craved for too long. _

_ Eiji reached down and pressed a kiss to his cheek. Aslan rose from his stupor and smiled back at Eiji, warm and sweet like fresh candy. Just the way it should be. _

**____________________________________**

“Ei-san, you don’t look well. Is everything okay?”

Eiji shrugged, setting the hundred pound backpack on the floor.

The girl didn’t comment on his sort-of-worrying answer, and took his seat. 

He sat through the first five minutes of class before opening his computer, sliding earbuds in, and researching all nodes to Ash’s life.

Max didn’t have any trace on the internet in the past two years; he had an abandoned Facebook that Eiji left a message on and a Twitter from before it was cool, but nothing in the past two years. Jessica wouldn’t pop up as ‘Jessica Lobo’ or one of the hundreds of Jessicas that work at Allure. All of the gang members had nicknames, he only knew that last name of his neighbors, and he had never learned the number for Chang-Dai.

He closed the computer and half listened to his seminar about something to do with a book they had read. 

He pressed the palms of his hands into his eyes, feeling the itch to pierce them. He sighed harshly and took his hands off of his eyes, fidgeting but never settling or remaining at peace. 

The class ended (finally) and Eiji ambled off, feeling a spiral wind through his mind. His unconscious unzipped, tracks of finely constructed control and stability unraveling into treads. He pressed himself against the wall of the bathrooms at the far end of the campus, the presence of the wall letting the flood of emotion pass, as though a typhoon of anger, dissatisfaction, pain, choas, and disappointment blew though his mind.

_ I can’t do this. _

Eiji’s hand left the brick wall, tracing his steps back to his dorm.

It was so quiet. Eiji hated a quiet house and always sought to fill it with noises: Ash’s voice, music, the dryer, anything. Now, the silence rubbed on his skin like sandpaper. 

_ Ash, what are you doing? _

He set down his backpack and looked down at his phone.

No response. 

He gripped his phone tightly and threw it.

As it landed with a worrying force, the anger turned inward at himself. 

Eiji quickly picked up the phone, finding the screen cracked but still usable.

_ This is your fault. _

Eiji stumbled at the thought, tears rising in his eyes. 

_ Ash doesn’t care about you anymore. You’re not interesting anymore. You are such a fool, thinking that he loved you. Hell, he pity-dated you. You know that when you asked and he hesitated. You know it when he kissed you and he couldn’t stand it for more than five seconds. _

Stop it.

_ You still have feelings for this man, despite how you know how _ ** _wrong _ ** _ it is. _

Shut up, Ash told me-

_ You knew it all of this time, but you still can’t get over yourself. You thought you were desirable? You, with your stupid sweaters and childish antics and dumb haircut. _

_ Face it: _ ** _You weren’t good enough._ **

**____________________________________**

  
  


Eiji didn’t go back to class. 

He fell back asleep for another four hours to the sound of depressing music and continued to try to call or text Ash, each time leaving him feel more hollowed out. 

By 3am, he felt like a husk: feeling used and thrown out, nothing left to give, despairing for something warm to fill his soul in. He knew he had messages on his phone from other people, but nothing useful. 

One day was excusable, two days was foreboding, three days was purposeful. Three days with no words from Ash and Eiji was crumbling into dust. 

[ “Call me out, it’s all I ask ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PHIMfOAz-3s)

[ Put me on trail for all I have ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PHIMfOAz-3s)

[ Break me pride, what’s left ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PHIMfOAz-3s)

[ Call me out, is all I ask ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PHIMfOAz-3s)

[ End all my reaping, put on in my head ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PHIMfOAz-3s)

[ Break me down, break down” ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PHIMfOAz-3s)

It was one of Ash’s songs, making the hurt in his chest hurt more and making his breathe heavy in his chest. 

_ So. This is what it feels like, Mayumi. _

One time, Eiji had come from track practice, when he heard his mother panicking, calling out to his sister, Mayumi. He walked in and she was slumped face down on the floor, his mother turning her over and shaking her. 

They drove her to the hospital and found out that she had contracted a kidney infection, most likely from not urinating enough. She had been sick for several days before hand and Eiji’s father was suppose to be home by the time he got back, but obviously Eiji’s parents hadn’t been keeping a close eye on her. 

The doctor shut the door quietly and explained that he worked in Britain for a short period of time. While he was there, he met a boy, no older than eight, who was in the hospital for dehydration. His coworker asked the boy how he was feeling, and then invited in his wife, a psychologist. 

Eiji could tell at the words _psychologist_, his mother was shutting out his words. 

The doctor informed them that in order for this to happen, she would have not gone to the bathroom for three days, meaning it was possibly something psychological, perhaps a mental illness. 

Eiji’s mother protested, exclaiming how _ her _ daughter was fine and stomped out of the room, but Eiji stayed back and finished the discussion. He asked what he could do to help his little sister where his parents couldn’t.

Just be there for her.

Eiji thanked him and once Mayumi woke up, after the parents had spat at her for not taking care of herself, the siblings spoke. Mayumi explained how she felt, what Eiji had talked about with the doctor, and their quiet pact to learn about this together.

They opened up. If their parents yelled at her for being lazy or unsocial or unclean, Eiji would step in. He would do put away her laundry, clean her room, bring her food and eat with her in her room, let her draw until her pencil became too short to use. He learned English to read articles to help Mayumi and took the scathing Japanese words of his parents for pampering her. He never regretted it and he never pitied her, because she knew just how strong she was, fighting everyday with herself--to keep moving, to keep eating, and to keep breathing.

Eiji knew Mayumi’s clinical depression and his own temporary depression were all different but damn did it hurt. To feel nothing and everything but not understand exactly what you feel. To ache for comfort and security but feel adrift, untethered, in need of something to anchor you, reaching, stretching, for nothing.

Tears welled up Eiji’s eyes, his mind as quiet as a graveyard. 

**____________________________________**

** _I love you_ **

** _I miss you_ **

** _I need you_ **

** _Ash, please_ **

** _I’m begging_ **

** _Please_ **

** _What did I do wrong?_ **

** _Did I hurt you?_ **

** _If I did, I’m so sorry_ **

** _I love you_ **

** _I miss you_ **

** _I need you_ **

**____________________________________**

The days bleed into each other. He knew he was missing classes and text messages but he didn’t care. The love of his life was shattering his heart with every missed call, text, and private message.

Night and day flew around him, curtains drawn and music constantly playing on loop. Everything around him--his surroundings, his hunger, his thirst, his breathing--faded into nothing. Everything into nothing. Everything to nothing. Every thing to no things.

Eiji sighed and looked at the phone, the bane of his existence.

_ ...One more try. _

“Five, five-”

_ …………....One more try. _

Eiji’s ears rang. The voicemail came early. He looked down at the voicemail ticking by and immediately ended the call and called again.

Eiji’s heart stopped when there was finally an answer. 

**____________________________________**

After that phone call with Alex, Eiji fell to his bed. 

He let the facts sink in, slow realizations of how Ash must be feeling, how silently his heart was breaking and remending, cauterized veins ripped apart and resewn by thought alone. A web of questions catching him in sticky threads, wrapping around his head until he couldn’t move, paralyzed by potentials. Hypothetical running through his head, passionate confrontations in bedrooms, heat and anger spilling over, hurting words and hurting hearts and hurting people. 

A phone call broke his thoughts apart, finding the first three numbers of Ibe’s phone number displayed. He answered the call, hesitantly putting the phone to his ear. 

“Hello.”

“Hey Ei-chan, I saw you called, is everything okay?”

“I don’t know.”

“What’s wrong?”

Eiji hesitated. It wasn’t Ibe’s fault that Eiji hadn’t told anyone in Japan he was dating a guy, but speaking it in Japanese made him feel like he would be heard.

_ “It’s Ash.” _

“I figured... Any reason in particular you’re speaking in English?”

_ “Call me, paranoid.” _

“Fine. So, what happened?”

_ “Well, when I called, I wanted to try to get in touch with someone in America to go check on Ash because I hadn’t heard from him a two days.” _

“People go days without talking.”

_ “Not us. We talked or texted every day, but after three days, I thought he was doing it on purpose.” _

“Ei-chan-”

_ “I needed him and he didn’t send me a sign that he was okay or anything. It was Alex.” _

“Alex-san?”

_ “He picked up Ash’s phone and answered my call. He said, he said that Ash didn’t come home for five days. He almost took off Sing’s nose, and then he locked himself in his room, and that...he-he might have been raped, again.” _

“Ei-chan, I’m sorry. Really.”

_ “I just thought that after Dino, he would be okay.” _

“We all did, trust me.”

“...”

“You okay? Need to cry or something?”

“_ No, did my share of that already. I think I scared Alex though. I yelled at him.” _

“You yelled?”

_ “He was being insensitive about Ash.” _

“Maybe it’s because he saw him as the powerful and strong Ash Lynx rather than the Ash you know.”

_ “See, that’s the thing; he acts the same around me. He wants attention and control and to be taken seriously but he can also be vulnerable.” _

“Well, not all of us have seen Ash vulnerable.”

_ “I beg to differ, but I’m not looking to yell at you, Ibe-san.” _

“So. What now?”

_ “I was planning on studying abroad in New York, so I’ll go touring in Ash’s territory and see if I can go see him then.” _

“When do you leave?”

_ “Around two weeks.” _

“What are you planning to do in the mean time?”

_ “Pick up the pieces and collect myself. I didn’t go to class for two days and missed a lab so I have to make up all of that work and get notes but I’ll keep myself busy and pack everything for New York.” _

“Okay, sounds good...Anything else you need to talk about?”

“Nope. I think I covered it all.”

“Okay, go check in on your sister and tell her I say hello.”

“You got it, take care.”

“Bye bye.”

Eiji hung up the phone, the silence ringing in his ears. He brought the phone down from his ear, the time showing 10:46. He unlocked his phone and saw he had three calls, twenty three emails, and seventeen text. _ Ouch _.

He called and texted people back, making up a stomach bug that he recovered from. He flipped through his emails and prepared emails for all of his chemistry teacher to make up his lab and contact everyone he knew from classes to get material.

After everything was sorted out, he started cleaning up. His floor shed all it’s clothes, the food laid out was picked up and thrown away, the dishes were cleaned and set away, until Eiji apartment was picked up at the least.

_ Ash _ Eiji exhaled. _ Aslan _ Eiji inhaled.

He closed his eyes, sending up a prayer to any god to keep Ash safe while his love waited for him.

_ Two weeks. I’ll be there in two weeks. _

**____________________________________**

The days between crawled by. Eiji got in contact with Max, who had been over to see Ash. Apparently, he wasn’t coming out of his room or talking with anyone, and the most someone (Cain) got out of him was ‘go away.’ He seemed to be slinking into the kitchen and bathroom but the behavior still worried the gang. 

_ “No one is saying anything but Ash needs you. They’re all trying their best but they just don’t have the connection that you two have.” _

Those words were lodged into the very matter brain of Eiji’s brain, the sentence tattooed on the inside of his skull, staring back at hime. What it did for him, he didn’t truly understand. Maybe validation, a reminder, a message. It was just there, ever present in his head, at the ready.

A few friends inviting Eiji for drinks. He talked and conversed as if his world hadn’t fragmented, split between Tokyo and New York. He appeared at ease, sipping sake and laughing with the crowd, but once he waved his farewell, he felt alone. No one to call, no one to come home to, no one...no one to love.

Everything around him felt like it was lacking texture: a unique quality, a stand-out presence, a depth. He felt like he was walking through a landscape in two dimensions, the flowers flat, the sky a background, the people cutouts of paper, the animals sounds through a speaker, the taste bitter.

He tried to avoid the dripping greyness in his life by occupying himself with something else, anything else. He turned in his work and went out with friends and slept away his days, always yearning for warmth that Ash always brought. 

He paused on his way back from class.

He stared at the sunset for a moment, hoping to regain the feeling that dusk brought him: closure. He let the lives pass by, students on their way to class, birds twitter away, leaves crinkling in the wind. He breathed in the smells of city-life, with its packages foods and dwindling nature and rancid garbage. He took it all in, and then, finally, let out that deep breathe. 

The moment passed. He resumed his routine, arriving back home and slumping to his bed, his suitcases packed already. 

His phone rang, a particular ugly picture of his sister shining back at him.

“Hey, Mayu-chan.”

“Hey Oni-san. Just wanted to call before you set off.”

“That’s nice of you, thank you. How’s school?”

“Good.”

It sounded like there was much more to the story than just _ good _ but Eiji knew to leave it. She had her reasons. 

“Cool. Do anything fun in class?”

“I wrote a story about a ghost dog.”

“Sounds cool. Did he have a name or-”

“His name was Yukidama. It’s about him finding a girl and them becoming friends.”

“Sounds interesting…”

“...Hey, Oni-san, can I ask a question?”

“I don’t know, can you?” Eiji teased, hearing her huff from the other side of the phone.

“Why do you like America so much? You almost got killed there and then you decide to go back.”

“I got trapped in special circumstances but apart from the crime, it’s really nice there.”

“Okaa-san thinks you’re going back for a girl.”

“I’m not going back for a girl,” Eiji laughed, the irony of the situation painful. “Um, I…”

“What is it?”

“...Where are you?”

“In the car with Okaa-san, say hi!”

“Hi Okaa-san!”

“I don’t understand all of this Musuko.”

“What do you not understand?” Eiji asked, preparing for the disapproval of his mother.

“Where did you get the money to go on the trip?”

“I worked at a firm that Ibe-san got me in touch with,” Eiji lied smoothly, the excuse prepared.  
“And why would you want to go back to the same city?”

“I like New York,” Eiji shrugged.

“You mean you like someone in New York.”

“Okaa-san! I’m not going back for a girl!” Eiji reprimanded.

“It’s always about a girl,” she shamed, leaving Eiji with no greeting, no farewell, just Mayumi’s voice.

“Anyway, how are you doing?”

“I’m okay…”

Eiji had been debating whether to tell Mayumi about his sexuality. He wanted to at the moment but he didn’t want to tell her and then run away to America to his boyfriend; it wasn’t fair to her. He figured he would tell when her got back.

“Are you sure?”

“I’m positive, thank you for your concern though. How about you?”

“Actually, I call you later. I still want to hear about what you’ll do in America.”

_ She doesn’t want to talk next to mom _. 

“Okay, take care of yourself and call me whenever you’re ready.”

“Bye Oni-san!”

**____________________________________**

  
  


“Hello?”

“What’s up Baka?”

“Mayu-chan,” Eiji scolded lightly, rolling his eyes. “So, what did you want to talk about?”

“Nothing...It’s just all of my friends are so mean to each other and I hate being placed in all of this. And it’s about stupid things, like who likes who and if someone hung out with each other without them.”

“I’m sorry Mayu-chan.”

“I mean, I don’t care about what they think, but they are so childish.”

“They are children though.”

“I know,” Mayumi sighed. 

_ Mayumi, sometimes you’re too mature for her own good _ Eiji thought, leaning back on his hands.

“Everything okay at home?”

“As okay as it can be. Dad got his stomach pumped last Friday, Mom brought home a different guy, and, of course, I feel like crap.”

Eiji sighed.

When he as a child, his parents were such bright and beautiful people. His mother was so smiley and content, doting on their father and pushing against his anger. His father was strong and confident, a force that cradled his children in his arms. 

Eiji figured that his time away fractured their relationship. 

He saw the signs when he returned home from break his freshman year; his mother strained to smile and his father gripped onto him a little to tightly. His sister was the only one to outright state that they needed him back to keep them sticking together, but she understood when he left; he needed to seperate himself from his parents, no matter how much they hated him or how much he wanted to help.

When he returned from his extended escapade in America, he could see the bitterness boiling in his mother, turning her smiles into scowls and thrusting hurtful words onto everyone like passing salt. His father disappeared and reappeared, drunk and desperate and done with the day. Sometimes he would walk into Eiji room and spew words, about taking up the family business, about taking his clients, about coming home after college. 

Eiji hated having to adjust. He brushed off his mother’s words but cried on a park bench at dusk. He smiled and promised nothing but teared up when he left, torn between pushing him away but keeping his away from everyone else for their safety. 

He felt worse for Mayumi, who had to brave all of it, knowing what was going on around her, growing up too fast for any kid. 

“Oto-san.”

“He heard about you going back to America. Ran off to a bar and got so drunk they called an ambulance. He’s fine, just sober for the first time in four months.”

“Are you okay?”

“I mean, the fact that I had to motivate Okaa-san to go see him…”

“Okaa-san...”

“She picked up the guy from beind the gas station counter. I think she needed someone to help her forget she was losing someone else.”

“And you?”

“...I’m about as okay as someone can be.”

“Mayu-chan, it’s understandable if you’re not okay.”

“...I just want everything to be better.”

“I understand. It sounds like hell over there and I feel bad, me, going to America again and you, stuck at home.”

“I’ll live. Besides, you should go enjoy New York.”

“I wish I could help you,” Eiji whispered, hoping that someone heard him.

“...I miss you.”

“I miss you too. And please feel free to call me, no matter the time or day.”

“Thank you, Ei-chan.”

“Anytime.”

“I’m going to watch this anime. It’s called Revolutionary Girl Utena. You should watch it. It’s not Shonen, but it is a masterpiece.”

“I’ll see if I can download it and watch it on the plane, how about that?”

“Yes, then we can talk.”

“Sounds like a plan…Anyway, I got to finish some work, so I got to go.”

“Okay, later loser.”

“Baka, I love you. Take care of yourself and drink water.”

“Will do, bye~!”

**____________________________________**

The grey cement underfoot from the parking lot jutted into the white, sparkling stone of the airport floor, the path laid out in white. Worn sneakers, striking heels, and crisp loafers crossed the floor every day, arriving and leaving, milling around, passing through and staying, flying and sinking and sprinting.

“Ei-san!” 

He broke from his sleep-deprived stupor by a girl waving him over, where a congregation of tired college students were idling around.

He joined them, making friends easily and watching everyone bubble with enthuaism and excitement. 

“I can’t wait to what food they have.”

“I wonder if they have sushi.”

“Do you think sushi in America is different than sushi in other countries?”

“All of this talk of food is making me hungry.”

“Look at these portions!”

“That’s enough for three meals!”

“Maybe this is why Americans are so fat.”

Eiji shook his head at their antics, a humored smile on his lips. 

The gaggle of tired, impatient college students in their sweatwear and jackets were ushered near the gate and then, finally, to the gate. Eiji was sitting in between two students, a woman working on the sudoku puzzle in a magazine on one side and a man catching up on an anime with swords and videos games.

Eiji he knew it was about six in America so he watched nine, ten, eleven, twelve episodes before going to sleep (he had to finish the arch, sorry). He slept for several hours and spent the rest of the time occupying himself with shows, movies, snacks, and books while also preparing himself for his trip back to America.

He was suddenly struck with the image of Ash on the subway tracks when he killed Arthur; his arm was bleeding but there was more blood on his knife, dripping from the blade down through the floorboards to the ground, a rain of red darkening on the pavement. 

He yelled about going back to Japan, but the words, _ “You don’t need to see this,” _rung through Eiji’s head like a bell, even to this day.

Even when they were dating, Eiji saw how Ash had this desire for ‘purity.’ Ash claimed he was ‘dirty’ or ‘tainted’ in every way; he held so much of his guilt in his eyes, and all Eiji could do is hold Ash’s hand in his and reassure him that when he brought his hand away, it was still clean: no blood, no dirt, no stick substance, no powered drugs. 

So when Eiji got there, he planned on inserting himself back into Ash’s life. Even if he hated Eiji afterwords, even if he broke up with him, even if they never had sex again, he had to sit himself down in Ash’s trauma, his terror, his hate, his pain, his sorrow.

Because at the end of the day, Eiji would put himself through Ash’s hell to experience Ash’s heaven. 

Eiji just wanted to see him smile. His smiles were so rare and his laughter was too pretty to be locked behind his lips, and whenever Eiji saw that smile or heard him laugh, the lights and colors flared brighter, more intense and beautiful, like Ash held the force to brighten the lights and colors--a power to brighten and darkening his vision. 

_ Gods, I miss him. _

He had stopped sending messages and calling, saved all of the memes he wanted to send Ash in a folder, and opened his phone screen to no new messages...He figured Ash would call or text if he was ready but until then, Eiji would quietly suffer.

He didn’t blame Ash because it was no one’s fault. Ash didn’t mean to abandon Eiji--he was kidnapped for goodness sake--but Eiji still got hurt. His heart stilled panged every time he looked through his old messages with Ash and he was still listening to Ash’s music in a hopeless attempt to reclaim those songs for his own, but somehow, the feelings only grew: want turned into need, longing turned into yearning, desire turned into desperation. 

“Do you want that?” the guy next to him asked, Eiji handed it off. 

In the end, it would all work out. Ash was alive despite the forces behind Arthur, the Italian mafia, the Chinese syndicate, and Foxx’s crew. Ash would live through this and Eiji would try to make him happy again.

(At least, Eiji hoped he could). 

**____________________________________**

After landing in Los Angeles and Las Vegas, the Japanese exchanged students finally hobbled off to customs, all frazzled and somewhere between restless and asleep. 

Eiji observed his classmates reactions, most of them fumbling around like young deer on spindly legs: eyes jumping everwhere and their bodies feeding the collective energy of the excited crowd, almost in a half terrified, half thrilled way. Eiji smiled, thinking about how he felt the same arriving to America with Ibe, glad to be off of the neverending flight and in need of firm ground.

Eiji almost forgot what it felt like to be grounded. The power of the crowd sweeping around him, Eiji himself acting as a drop in the sea, made everything in his mind simple. All of the activity and noise and bustling brought all of Eiji’s attention to the present--not to dwell on the past, not worrying about the furture--among Americans, rambucious, cheery, people, spanning genders, races, nationalities, making the foreigners and citizen blend together; there was nothing like it. 

_ “I sorry, I do not understand.” _

_ “Why are you in the country?” _

Eiji turned towards the discussion, a classmate in front of him at the customs counter. 

_ “Slower?” _

_ “Why, are, you, in, the, country?” _ the lady behind the counter asked. 

The chaprones were handling suitcases and students of their own, not seeing the terrified girl stumbling over words in English and Japanese.

_ “Hello, may I help translate?” _ Eiji walked up, lugging his heavy suitcases. “ _ We’re here to go to a college; we’re foreign exchange students. We’ve got student visas, I’m pretty sure.” _

_ “Let me check...yep, you’re free to go Miss Katuski.” _

The poor girl rushed over to the chaprone on the other side, Eiji taking up the counter.

_ “Your English is by far the best out of your group” _

_ “Thank you. I lived here for two years, so I’ve learned.” _

_ “Really? Where did you live?” _

_ “New York City.” _

_ “Which borough?” _

_ “Oh, I just, traveled around,” _ Eiji shrugged off, the process completed and passport handed off, another page stamped in dark green. _ “Uh, Have a good day!” _

Eiji carrened away, dragging his suitcases behind him, the contents checked and everyone huddled around, waiting for the group to finish getting through customs.

“Sato-senpia, do you know if we will have time to go out?”

“_ Ei-san, remember, we are using English while we are in America. No Japanese.” _

_ “Mr. Sato, do you know if we will have time to go out?” _

_ “Oh of course. After classes are done, you and a group of friends can go out. Just don’t let anyone get arrested or hurt.” _

_ “What about tonight?” _ Eiji asked persistently, the question suprising his teacher.

_ “Well, are you not enthuastic? No, not tonight. Maybe tomorrow, but unless you can get a group of people to go with you, then no.” _

Eiji shook his head, the chances of someone else to go out with him slim, much less into gang territory without questions slimmer. He was here and yet he didn’t know what to do. He had traversed sky and sea, connecting the sweeping divide between Tokyo and Japan, and yet, he had no clue where he should go, when he could go, or how he could get there.

_ “Thank you sir,” _Eiji concluded dispassionately, the defeat settling into his feet, planting them firmly onto the ground.

**____________________________________**

**I landed. I’ll text you when I can get away.**

**See you soon, bud.**

**____________________________________**

Eiji turned his head, seeing the gentle curve of his jaw. He hoped that he would grow out of his round, baby features, but little changed from his youth. He had noticable cheekbones and the customary epicanthic fold that distinguished his eyes as the sharpest feature of his face. Everything else remained: firm eyebrows, inviting lips, dimples for when he smiled, button nose. 

_ A meet-and-greet is a casual event _ Eiji figured, as he swept a hand through his spiky hair. He was dressed in a baby blue button up shirt, khaki pants that were a little too short, and Converse that were a few years old. The warm light of the ceiling light changed the scene a hue more yellow, a softness added to Eiji’s threadbare expression.

_ Tomorrow. _

Tomorrow, Eiji planned on going out with his classmates. He figured he could break away from them at some point, but until, he to sit through all of...this.

He picked up his key and phone, locking his door behind him, and headed to the first floor. He opened the stairwell door to thumping music, following the trickling flow of people to a banquet fall with two ladies sitting at tables, an array of nametages on layards. 

Eiji picked up his nametag and saw a name underneath his:

**Eiji Okumera**

Social Work

_ Isiah Kennedy _

Eiji put the lanyard, looking out at the crowd.

The adults stood near the potential exits, the party divided among Japanese and American students. His classmates were huddled on the other side of the room, yelling in Japanese over the music and making no effort to join in the Americans, who were happy to socialize among themselves and eat all of the food.

Eiji walked across the great divide, trying to listen to the conversation that everyone was smiling at.

_ “-and I panicked and tried saying ‘I’m sorry,’ and ‘are you okay,’ and it ended up me aggressingly yelling, ‘are you sorry!” _

The crowd burst into laughter, someone next to him noticing Eiji.

_ “Hey buddy! You one of the exchange students?” _

Eiji nodded his head, the crowd bring their focus to Eiji.

_ “Eiji? Who are you shadowing?” _

_ “EEsyah?” _ Eiji tried to pronouce, knowing that he was failing miserably. _ “I’m sorry, I’m horrible with English names.” _

_ “That’s okay,” _ one of the girls comforted. _ “And it’s Isiah. He should be down shortly.” _

Eiji nodded his head, looking at the crowd. 

_ “I take it by the self segregation that my classmates haven’t introduced themselves.” _

_ “One tried, and then ran over when her friends showed up, but you’re a brave fellow.” _

_ “Thanks,” _Eiji smiled, feeling some pride and terror standing his own groun.

_ “You’re English is really good. Are we talking too fast or anything?” _

_ “Thanks, and no, you’re good, thank you for asking.” _

_ “So, how was the flight?” _

_ “Long,” _ Eiji complained, getting a chuckle out of a few. _ “I’ve flown out of the country before but my classmates were pretty scared of the whole ordeal.” _

_ “Segregation? Ordeal? Damn, they teach you well. I have no clue what those words are in Japanese.” _

_ “Oh, no. I lived in America for two years, so I’m kind of cheating.” _

The crowd perked up at the fact.

_ “Where?” _

_ “Here. New York City.” _

_ “You really like the city?” _ someone asked, a shy pitied.

_ “Yes, but I’m not ignorant to it’s problems. You know, crime, gangs, the smell.” _

_ “Oh my god, I went home and came back and I forgot how much the subway smells like urine,” _someone added, a few laughing at the comment but letting him continue. 

_ “And, well, my friends live here.” _

_ “That’s really cool,” _ someone commented, everyone nodding their heads at the small inclusion into their crew of native New Yorkers.

The feedback of the microphone directed their attention, a lady behind a podium.

“Greetings. _ Thank you for coming down. Now, if everyone can partner up with the person on their nametage, we can started with tonights festivities!” _

A calling out of names filled the hall, Eiji mixing into all of the voices.

“Eiji!” 

Eiji turned towards the voice of a man who was walking up.

_ “Isiah?” _

_ “That’s me,” _he confirmed, sliding the lanyard over his neck and turning towards the lady on the stage.

He was African American, unlike most of his white counterparts. He had a beautiful face, with full lips and a gracefully curved face, the coffee-brown skin smoothed over high cheekbones and pointed jawline. 

Eiji turned his eyes away, directing it towards the woman dressed in a suit.

_ “-touring you around and then after, we have some bonding activities for everyone! Everyone has to be back by 7:30, so please come back by then.” _

Everyone started talking, partners leaving in the hall in groups and trying to talk across languages.

_ “So, let’s get started, shall we?” _

Eiji played polite guest, listening and asking question, engaging but retaining the necessary. He noticed how Isiah had a certain resonance that reminded him of Ash: calm on the surface, power radiating underneath. His finger strung out with energy, showing off brick building and the sparse quad, his brown eyes electrified, shining in the dark. 

_ “Okay, can I ask you a qustion?” _

_ “Shoot.” _

_ “You don’t have to answer it if you don’t feel comfortable, but I’m a psychology major, so it’s my passion; what is psychology like in Japan?” _

_ “Nonexistent,” _ Eiji stated, picking up his lanyard. _ “Therapy and all that isn’t well received in Japan; we’re leagues behind western medicine in terms of mental health. I’m in social work, which is even a controversial field, but it’s important work.” _

Isiah nodded his head. _ “That’s very admirable.” _

Eiji smiled, seeing the smile reflected back. 

_ “Thank you.” _

_ “Hey Isiah!” _

The two turned toward a man walking down the sidewalk, panting to catch up but keeping an overjoyed smile on his face. 

_ “Hey Jorod,” _ he rose slightly, a friendly chord in his voice. _ I’m with my new friend, Eiji,” _Isiah greeted, grabbing him around the shoulders.

There was this tension in Isiah that told more to his relationship with Jorod. Acquaintance? Friend? Undesirable?

_ Boyfriend. _

_ “Hey man. Look, there’s a party tonight, do you want to go? Nothing crazy, just a few of Naysia’s friends.” _

_ “I don’t know Jorod,” _ Isiah spoke, his voice edging along stress and feigned concern, “ _ let me check my schedule and I’ll get back to you, okay?” _

_ “Sure man, take care!” _Jorod called, running in the direction he came from. 

They walked out of the moment across the quad before Eiji broke his silence.

_ “Boyfriend?” _

_ “Ex,” _ Isiah sighed in relief, looking over at Eiji. _ “Didn’t know you were-” _

_ “Not many know,” _Eiji shrugged, feeling peeled open and exposed under Isiah’s onyx eyes. 

Eiji didn’t know what prompted him to tell Isiah. His beauty sure twisted up some signals in Eiji’s head, but it was something else; he felt comfortable talking about his sexuality in America. Even then, he was still taking a risk talking about it; the more people that know, the more likely it would get back to his microcosm of society back home. 

Homosexuality wasn’t a death sentence in Japan but there did exist a stigma against people within the LGBTQ+. Japanese society had twisted ideas of homosexual people and tried to profit from their concept by hyper-sexualized same-sex pairs, and transgender people were horrifyingly wronged and restricted. 

_ “What do your classmates think?” _ Isiah voiced, Eiji flinching inwardly.

_ “We don’t need to talk about it in front of them. They might not be as open minded. Besides, Japanese culture consist of, getting a job, marrying a woman, and having kids.” _

_ “I’m sorry. Thank you for being cool about all this. I won’t tell anyone, if it makes you feel any better, and if you need to talk about it, I’m here to listen.” _

_ “I would appreciate it,” _ Eiji stated, his heart still hammering in his chest at the fear of his classmates knowing. _ “I have a few friends in America that know, but it’s hard to keep it from my family.” _

_ “I understand. I didn’t come out to my mom a year after I figured it out and it was hard. But, you understand that there’s nothing wrong, right?” _

_ “I know,” _ Eiji spoke confidently, deciding to break the news. _ “My boyfriend helped me realize it.” _

When Eiji first realized that he liked men (specifically Ash), he felt disgusted with himself. So much social conditioning poisoned his head with shame, and he wished for those stray desires and dirty thoughts to _ go away. _ But after two weeks of self-torture, after tears in the shower, sleepless nights, and a screaming match with a scared Ash, only then did he utter the words. He remembered standing there, trembling with emotion and tears pouring down his cheek, Ash’s face a mix of concern and understanding in the half light of their room. 

At the time, Eiji never wanted to tell Ash because he knew who had hurt him before: men like him. Men who desired after men like Ash, and his desire made him feel like a monster, an inhuman creature that took and took and took until there was nothing left of either, no happiness, no love, only addiction. 

Ash shattered that image when he timidly reached between the two and quietly hugged Eiji. 

He held him as Eiji cried gutteral sobs, the two melting in each other’s hold, a quiet buzz of thought ringing the air under the tears. 

They didn’t say a word the entire time. They just reveled in how their silence reassured and how vulnerable they could be with each other, raw and tender with emotions but still able to come to the other. 

_ “He sounds like a cool guy,” _Isiah assured, Eiji broken from his memory.

_ “Yah...he is.” _

**____________________________________**

The Japanese exchange students bounded out of the building onto the street, where the city bustled behind them. 

Eiji and his fellow students were bundled up with scarves and smile, anticipation spread across their faces as they headed to classic bar to test their English and probably get yelled at by a mean waitress who would having problems understanding their accents (Eiji totally didn’t have PTSD from another time where he tried to order food from a bar. Totally not). 

“It’s so tall!” one of girls astounded, staring up at the towering buildings, wondering where they stop.

“I wonder what’s in there.”

“Probably some offices,” Eiji shrugged. 

“Offices? These can’t be offices! They’re too gorgeous!” one of the guys exclaimed.

“Americans like grandeur everywhere,” Eiji explained, the others not taking his opinion to heart.

“Maybe it’s a castle!”

“Or a museum?”

_ “Watch it!” _one of the passerbys yelled as they knocked shoulders with a student, scaring him severely from his stupor.

“Mit-san, are you okay?!”

“I’m fine. I just, I didn’t know Americans can be so rude.”

“I think that’s just some New Yorkers,” Eiji spoke, the others not listening.

They continued to walk and chatter, Eiji listening to the rest converse and remain amiable on the outside. However, he felt himself teetering on this edge of insanity, this unbreaking drum of his name. Maybe it was his heartbeat, maybe it was his mind, but all he could hear was _ Ash, Ash, Ash, Ash, Ash. _

“Looks like we’re here,” someone stated, opening the door to a dingy bar. 

On the scale of New York bars, it seemed welcoming for outsiders, but to the Japanese exchange students (excluding Eiji), the strangeness of their surrounding and the glares of the people at the bar made them feel like interlopers.

“_ Hello, table for eight please,” _Eiji interrupted, the lady behind the counter taking up their menus and following her to a cluster of tables. The other followed behind timidly, taking seats at the table and analyzing the menu.

“Why are there are so many burgers?” a girl asked, disgust evident in her voice.

“Burgers are good,” someone stated, setting their menu.

“I’ll get a salad,” a girl commented, Eiji feeling pity for her cleverness. He didn’t say anything about how salads at bars are pretty bad but he knew that no one would listen.

He thought all of the people in his exchange group were nice people, but they had quickly cliched off into groups, leaving Eiji the in between to everyone. He didn’t like any of them enough to develop a strong friendship with a stick to so he remain platonically neutral with all of his classmates, looking for no hate and only the ability to get along with them.

The waitress went around to everyone, taking drink and appetizer orders before leaving them to chatter on, Eiji blending into the background.

**I’ll be over in an hour. **

“So, where are we going after this?”

“Actually,” Eiji started, the attention of everyone making his cow slightly. “I-I wanted to go out, so I break off from you all.”

“The chaperones told us to stick together and not go out alone.”

“I just wanted to go visit some friends that I use to know, nothing crazy.”

“You have friends in America?” a girl asked, her head tilting into her hand.

“Yah, I’ve been to New York before.”

“Oh, I want to meet your friends Ei-san!”

“Me too!”

Eiji sighed in resignation, inviting them along but worrying. He was worried what they would think of the gang, he was worried what the gang would think of them, he was worried how Ash was without hearing from him in two weeks, He was just worried about everything. 

_ I hope I don’t start bladding at twenty one, _ Eiji thought absentmindedly, brushing a hand through his hair to reassure himself that it was all still there.

The appetizers arrived and everyone went into silent reverence of the unhealthy, oversized food that they indulged. Eiji ate his share of onion rings and saltine crackers, the plates polished off and meals finally ordered.

**Also prepare for a legion of exchange students.**

Eiji slide his phone away as the group talked, trading stories, majors, dramas, crushes, and tastes of soda. He remained at the periphery, taking everything in and letting the queen bee, Raku, rule the roost.

“Yah, me and Aki-san went out. What of it?”

“Aki-san is a total playboy!”

Raku shrugged smuggly, a feline poise to her stature that feed her attractiveness and drove (heterosexual) men insane.

Raku Peters was all smoke and black leather, a cigarette hanging from her fingertips but somehow her lips tasted nothing of smoke but more like cherries (according to others). She disappeared into smoke, dropping boyfriends like used cigarette butts, but always ready for the drag of the next. 

Eiji, behind all of the smokey eye shadow and cat’s eye eyeliner, saw Raku’s need to fill the void. Eiji had no indication for what, but he saw the same need to satisfy one’s addiction in himself. Ash had become his addiction and he had been feeling the withdraw for so long that he could feel his brain rewiring, aching for _ Ash. _

Thankfully, the food arrived before Eiji had to muster together coherent word. They weren’t use to the individualized meals, but, in the end, shared their portions with everyone, passing around fries, sauces, saucy fries, cheese fries, potato chips, and every other delicious side. The ladies didn’t enjoy their salads (as Eiji suspected) and shared the mens’ burgers and sandwiches, everyone managing to finish their food. 

“I am stuffed,” someone huffed.

“I think I need to pop a few buttons in my jeans.”

“I am going to gain so much weight,” someone complained, sitting up from their meal. 

After dividing the check as much as they could before inciting the fury of their waitress, they finally hit the streets, pleading for Eiji to lead the way.

Eiji followed the directions on his phone, seeing the thirty minute walk shown back.

“Who’s ready to walk off some burgers?”

Everyone followed slowly, the crew talking away while the traffic on the sidewalks thinned, the towering buildings diminished in upkeep, and the feeling of danger rose to the surface.

Eiji knew it was a bad idea to bring them along the moment they saw the lookouts on their stoop, following the group’s movement into their territory.

“Eiji-san, I don’t like this,” one of the guys admitted.

“Most of the city looks like this,” Eiji countered. “We’re almost there, ten more minutes”

He recognized the dingy convenience store Ash and Shorter had brought ramen for some ‘classic’ Japanese cuisine and veered down the shaded alley.

An African American man in a bandanna and leather jacket sat up from the wall of the alley, his assault rifle pointed towards the terrified students. The students scream in freight, the tension in his arm worrying Eiji as he held his hands out in front of him, the guard’s voice booming over the terror. 

_ “Watta you Chinese doin’ here?” _

_ “I need to see Alex, or Cain-” _

_ “Cain don’t speak to nobody unless you special.” _

_ “Tell him Eiji’s here,” _Eiji spoke, his voice controlled and eyes piercing.

The guard hesitated for a moment before letting out a whistle and a two people stepped up.

“Ei-san, what the shit is going on and why do those people have guns?”

“Everyone please, stay calm,” Eiji spun around, holding his hands out. “We’re not in trouble and we’re not going to get hurt.”

“Ei-san, we need to leave, right now.”

“We just walked thirty minutes to come see my friend, they’ll be out-”

“EIJI!” 

Sing ran through, pushing the two guards away and smushing him into a well-received hug from behind.

_ “I missed you man,” _ Sing cheered, laughing and patting his chest happily. He noticed the shaken college kids cowered in confusion and fear.

_ “Who are these guys?” _

_ “These are my classmates. I’m here studying abroad.” _

_ “Does-” _

_ “I’ll be damned, he lives!” _ Cain boomed, squeezing him a little too hard and feeling his spine crack. _ “You sure did leave us high and dry.” _

_ “Good to see you too!” _ Eiji beamed, Cain setting him down.

Sing approached the scared group of classmates carefully.

_ “Hello, my name is Sing. We are Eiji’s friends.” _

Sing’s child-like appearance eased the group, but Cain, with his tall silhouette and glocks, scared them.

_ “They’re not going to hurt us,” _ Eiji reassured, finding the crowd latching onto every one of his words. “ _ They’re my friends.” _

_ “Be easy on them guys. They’re English is still a work in progression.” _

Cain laughed and gentle corrected. _ “Progress.” _

Alex walked up and tapped Eiji on the shoulder for a hug. Sing started herding the crowd of students, asking them names, getting them familiar. Cain slowly approached to help.

_ “It’s like having a bunch of Eijis around, but at least they have a sense of self-preservation,” _ Alex joked.

_ “I can not deny that,” _ Eiji admitted, the students slowly catching onto the topic of conversation.

_ “What does ‘self-preservation’ mean?” _ Raku asked.

“Self-preservation.”

She frowned.

_ “ _Why would you have to worry about self-preservation?”

Eiji full on blushed, and Alex knew he only blushed for one reason, or, frankly, one person.

_ “Has Eiji ever told you about-” _

Eiji slapped Alex’s mouth of his smug grin.  
_“We are not talking about this in front of my classmates. They won’t understand what I’m saying if I’m talking in contractions and faster but they don’t know and if it gets back home, I don’t know how others will react.”_

Eiji took his hand off of Alex’s mouth and turned towards the crowd of lost students.

“What did you just tell that man?” someone asked.

“Nothing important and to mind his business.”

“Eiji-san! That’s rude!”

_ “American culture is very different,” _Eiji explained, staring daggers at Alex. Sing directing their attention with a warm welcome. 

After everyone was occupied with the show Sing and Cain were putting on, Eiji turned towards Alex. 

_ “How is he?” _

_ “He’s been better. Not much of a conversationalist.” _

_ “I’ll go talk to him.” _

_ “He’s up on the top floor. Last on your right.” _

_ “Thank you. For all of this. And for putting up with me.” _

_ “No problem man,” _ Alex smiled, giving clap on the back to send him off. _ “Oh, and give this back to him. It still works.” _

Alex handed Ash’s phone, his screen cracked but still able to turn on. 

Eiji nodded his head to Alex before entering the new home base for Ash’s gang.

Eiji always wondered how Ash found these places. The only thing that changed about the places that Ash found was the layout; the atmosphere remained the same: the stench of drywall, dust, and decay, groaning floor boards under every step, creaky stairs with each new step, missing stair post here and there, a shaky handrails that didn’t provide any comfort. 

He could hear his classmates listening to Sing outside, but inside, Eiji choked on the silence of the second floor. Maybe it was being faced with the hallway, several step from Ash, maybe it was with how far he had come, travelling halfway across the world to be standing here, or maybe it was the way that this moment struck him into that profound silence.

He started walking, each step creaking and groaning, until, there he was, in front of Ash’s door. It wasn’t anything remarkable--it was a door--but somehow, it made his hand tremble as he brought it up in front of it.

Eiji knocked on the door twice. There was no response inside. 

_ “Ash?” _

Eiji could make out a shift, but that was all he got.

_ “Hey, it’s Eiji...it’s been a while since I’ve seen your face, can I open the door?” _

There was an uncomfortable _ no _ hung in the air when the silence persisted.

_ “That’s okay. I’ll sit out here and talk.” _

_ “Go away…” _

Eiji startled from the voice. It sounded tired, defeated, pained. The last time he heard Ash, it was annoyed at having to go to some dumb dinner instead of talking with Eiji. Now he wanted to not hear a word of Eiji, and that wasn’t happening.

_ “Aslan, I’m not leaving unless you tell me to my face.” _

There was another drum of silence, before a cut-off sob broke through Ash’s breathe.

_ “God, why do you have to make this so difficult?” _ Ash cried, his volume louder than before.

EIji slide down next to the door, his head pressed to the door and his back against the small frame. He let Ash cry, alone in his room but not alone. He could hear him trying to stifle the sounds, but there would cracks in tears and breathes that made Eiji’s heart hurt. 

After enough silence and tears, an awkward silence cut between the door. Eiji turned his eyes and noticed the bathroom across the hall, and stepped away from a moment to come back. 

_ “For the snot,” _ Eiji pointed out, sliding tissues from under the door. He heard steps and a huff from the other side, an amusement that Eiji couldn’t help but revel in. It was small, but it was progress.

_ “I missed you,” _ Eiji called out, waiting for a response hopefully.

Eiji listens intensely, hearing steps towards the door before something hard connects with the floor.

_ “I missed you too.” _

Eiji didn’t know why at that moment he cracked, but the stress of their separation had snapped in Eiji and he just started crying.

_ “Are-are you okay?” _Ash asked on the other side of the door, Eiji futility covering his sniffles.

_ “No, _ fuck,” Eiji gurgled, tears and mucus everywhere. “ _ I missed you so much. It’s just been...hard, without you.” _

_ “I know, I’m sorry.” _

_ “No, don’t apologize,” _ Eiji comforted, stepping across the hallway to blow his nose. _ “I’m just happy you’re alive.” _

An ominous silence seeped through the bottom of the door, Ash breaking it with a quiet, _ “me too.” _

Eiji sat back down and fitted his feet against the frame of the door, settling in.

_ “How are you here?” _

_ “Foreign exchange trip,” _ Eiji stated, fiddling with his fingers. _ “I wanted to tell you after you got back...but here, I am now.” _

_ “How long are you here?” _

_ “Three whole months,” _ Eiji answered, nodding his head. _ “So, expect a lot more of me.” _

A hum came from the other side of the door. 

_ “Is it okay if we just talk through the door today? I’m not really ready for guest.” _

_ “Alex told me,” _ Eiji confessed. _ “He says you’re avoiding everyone.” _

_ “It’s for their best.” _

_ “You’re not going to hurt someone by seeing them,” _Eiji explained, hoping to sort through the crossed wires in Ash’s logic while he was here.

_ “I’m just...I don’t want people around, if that’s okay.” _

_ “Yah, that’s okay, but you need to let people in at some point.” _

_“...I’ll let you in next time you come by.”_

_“...We can work with that,” _Eiji stated, smiling at the promise. _Next time. _

They remained silent for a moment, Eiji finding himself comfortable in the frame of Ash’s bedroom.

_ “Eiji?” _

_ “Yah?” _Eiji answered.

_ “Is it really you? Is this a dream?” _

_ “It’s me,” _ Eiji stated, feeling sorry and a little hurt for Ash.

_ “...Can I ask you a favor?” _

_ “Sure.” _

_ “Can you bring back a few books?” _

Eiji smiled at the need for permission.

_ “And return some books. I’ll give you money to pay their fine.” _

_ “Okay, I will,” _Eiji laughed, feeling the quiet sweep back in and looking down at his watch. 

_“Sunshine, I’m sorry, I have to go.” _

_ I understand _ Ash’s silenced to him, but there was also a sadness to it that cried _ Please don’t leave. _

_ “I’m sorry, I’ll be back soon, I promise,” _ Eiji responded painfully. He took the phone from his pocket and slide it under the door.

_ “In case you need to call or text me,” _ Eiji explained, sending him a heart emoji and hearing the notification go off in the room.

Ash didn’t respond, but Eiji stared at the door, and once he heard Ash listening to him, waiting to see if he would leave, he stepped away, Ash’s door remaining quiet: closed and resolute. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Sexual content, slight violence, mentions/descriptions of depression, implied drug use, strong emotional turmoil 
> 
> Japanese families do not usually call each other their name.  
Oni-san means big brother, Okaa-san means mother, and Musuko means son. 
> 
> All of the names were from real people I know, except for the Japanese names.  
Mayumi means true beauty and Raku means pleasure in Japanese, if you would like to know.
> 
> Revolutionary Girl Utena is a masterpiece about cross-dressing lesbians fighting with swords. THERE IS NONSEXUALIZED LESBIANS, I REPEAT, NONSEXUALIZED LESBIANS (unless you watch the movie, but don't, the anime is so much better). The reference to an anime with swords and video games is Sword Art Online, whichever version you so choose to identify with. 
> 
> This is the most I’ve written / threaded together into one chapter and dear god is it a mess. I know, I threw so many different random topics on you all at once, BUT THEY ARE IMPORTANT AND WILL BE COVERED, I SWEAR. They won’t all be addressed at the same time because that is craziness but other things will be addressed later on. 
> 
> Also, I know Ash has major problems; he’s got a death wish, he’s a CSA with PTSD and he’s got a handle on several mental illnesses, but people rarely talk about Eiji’s problems. Of all of the fanfic I have read, there have been probably one where they talk about the emotional toil Eiji has on himself because he has to take care of Ash. I love my children, I do, but in my world of near realistic discussion of relationships, Eiji’s feelings need to be acknowledged. Ash struggles and therefore, Eiji has to struggle with him. And while the first chapter’s blow-up didn’t make much sense and didn’t have the impact it does have now, how would else would you react? If I were Eiji, I would be out of control, desperate for answers, hurt with possible rejection, out of my mind with concern. 
> 
> Also, I know that poeple liked the description of Ash (thank you for the comments) but this arch will be mostly focused on Eiji and how he takes, this. There are two more arches planned, one that’s more Ash’s take on events, and then the final arch that is a mash of the two (it’s not the same events, trust me, that’s would be unfun). And if you’re wondering, yes, I have written a lot about this but most of it is useless, self-indulgent garbble, but I still have to put together large sections.
> 
> THANK YOU FOR ALL FOR ALL OF THE SUPPORT FOR THIS STORY!!! I'VE BEEN WANTING TO PUBLISH THIS FOR A WHILE AND SEEING PEOPLE LOVE THIS TOO AND FEEL THE EMOTIONAL INTENSITY MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I CAN WRITE. <333
> 
> Please leave a kudos or comment, you know, just for fun, and my enjoyment, but mostly for fun.
> 
> (ෆ❛ัᵌ❛ัෆ)°
> 
> ~ iijustoii


	3. striking matches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A tooth, a choice, a passion, a second, three words, a rumor, a coffee cup, a middle, a subway ride, a tear, a hug.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What is this? Another chapter!   
You bet your ass it is.   
Will the writer continue to post in this fashion? No...  
But anyway, here are some gays in love (and drama).
> 
> (Trigger warnings at the bottom)

Eiji ambled down the stairs and walked up to Alex.

_ “How does my face look?” _ Eiji asked, wiping under his eyes.

_ “You look good. No evidence.” _

_ “Good. I just don’t want to scare them. Bringing them here was enough for them. Plenty of culture shock for a repressed Japanese student like themselves.” _

_ “Says the kid that got caught kidnapped less than six hours after he got to America,”  _ Alex teased.

_ “Yah,” _ Eiji laughed, remembering that day horribly and vividly.

To say America traumatized him was an understatement. What Alex may not realize is that when Eiji had been shoved into the back of the kidnappers’ car, he had heard the crack of someone’s gun go off and seen, in high definition, someone’s face blown out from a headshot. Brain matter flying from his head, landing on the driver’s headrest. Blood and skin erupting open, pouring out across his destroyed face. A tooth landing in the footwell, docile and pink. Eiji remembered sitting in the car with blood on his face, feeling the body cool and the dead man’s body struggling for consciousness with only part of a brain, the blood bubbling in his throat and out of his lips. Then, not an hour, hearing Ash being beaten up until even the comforting touches hurt and Skipper, in all of his caring and promise, dying in Ash’s arms. Eiji saw Ash’s clothes; there was too much blood to be just his.

And that was just the first twenty four hours.

_ “They don’t need what I had,” _ Eiji replied sagely. 

Alex shrugged off the interest and the two walked away from Ash towards the crowd. 

_ “So you were born here?” _ one of the exchange student’s asked.

_ “Yes,” _ Cain replied, his alto voice contrasting with the delicate Japanese accents.  _ “My ancestors came from Africa, but everyone else after has grown up on American soil. That is why we look so different from our Caucasian counterparts.” _

_ “Ancestors?” _

“He means ancestors,” Eiji translated, the crowd looking back at him. 

“Ei-san! Your friends were scary looking but very informative.”

“I never knew there were Americans with different colored skin.”

“Nor that they could look like us.”

“Thank white people,” Eiji explained, stepping in next to Cain and Sing.  _ “Thank you for keeping them entertained.” _

_ “Not a problem,”  _ Sing smiled,  _ “They are a polite crowd.” _

_ “I see Cain is pulling out the big lawyer words,”  _ Eiji teased, seeing the crowd flit to Cain.

_ “Well, I got to stretch their English abilities somehow, _ ” Cain smirked, turning to the students,  _ “I’m going back to school to become a lawyer.” _

_ “What do you do now?” _ someone asked, Eiji and Sing tensing up.

_ “I work at a body shop, or a garage, fixing up cars,”  _ Cain lied smoothly, Eiji and Sing unwinding.

Some nodded their head politely, Cain looking at his watch.

_ “Anyway, it’s 3 o’clock. I probably should get going.” _

_ “Yah, we need to head back,” _ Eiji stated, the crowd deflating.

“Ei-san, they told us about these great places to go visit!”

“We need to go visit them!” 

“Fine, fine, we can go,” Eiji laughed, the crowd collecting their items and heading out. Raku ran out after, waving bye, before Eiji waved them off and they set back out into the city, enjoying their time. 

**____________________________________**

  
  


_ “Lack of agency. Lacking, control of one’s life among the chaos of existence, it’s hard. People, look at the world, and see the lack of control they have from their own lives. Sometimes, control is all on everyone’s mind, who has it, who doesn’t have it, if I have anything. _

_ “In the psychological world, lack of control over events in someone’s life can span from, losing a job to a better candidate, to abuse from a father. You didn’t, do something bad and then get punished for it, someone else hurt you. _

_ “The hole of control someone can be, experiencing, can come from different sources: family, job, relationship, interactions with people in all. When someone feels out of control, they turn to methods of ways to control these emotions or events that are happening. They, may, isolate themselves from others or find other ways of expressing emotions.-” _

_ “I’m sorry for the awful lesson today,”  _ Isiah apologized, Eiji shaking his head.

_ “It’s important to know,”  _ Eiji whispered, taking down a few notes. 

_ “-or destructive methods. Substance abuse, is one these symptoms. It acts more as a salve, trying to cover up the spiral, to get lost in yourself or feel some sort of harmony. In the end, they want choice, and they lose that choice to addiction once they get hooked. Another destructive habit is cutting. Cutting allows the person to do what they choose when they feel like they don’t have control of anything else. Cutting, just like substance abuse, is addictive. When someone comes to you with this, let them know this. People do not like to be dependent on something, and an addiction creates this, label, that without the source of addiction, you can not live. The last destructive methods is suicide. When someone feels closed in, like they have no control of their lives or way out, they turn to death as their escape route, not because they are weak, but because their vision is narrowed to everything they can’t control. _

_ “When someone reaches out for help, understand that they may not have control of their actions because they don’t control the environment. Instead of brushing their feelings aside and forcing them to ignore the things they can’t control, tell them to think about what they can control. Think about how they respond and if they can’t tailor those emotions to fit the occasion, help them through to the source of the problem. Help them understand what is at the root of their problem and once they see it, they understand why they feel a way. Sometimes, people have it just out of reach or dismiss it because they think it’s wrong, but they have thought about it. Sometimes, they just need someone else to say it for them.” _

**____________________________________**

  
  


_ “After heavy material like that, I need a break,”  _ Eiji sighed, taking up his material.

_ “I have a club meeting right now. I haven’t been in a while, but I figured you would want to see American college clubs.” _

_ “Sure, sounds like fun,”  _ Eiji shrugged, following Isiah across campus.  _ “Where are we going, if I might ask.” _

_ “We’re heading to a GSA meeting. Gender Sexuality Alliance.” _

Eiji felt his soul jolt, Isiah catching the microscopic flinch in his new friend’s expression and the tightness of his lips.

_ “Is everything okay?” _

_ “Yah, just,”  _ Eiji started, looking around the crowd and finding no Japanese exchange students.  _ “I don’t talk about it out loud a lot.” _

_ “I’m sorry, I should have asked.” _

_ “It’s okay, I’m probably overreacting,”  _ Eiji shrugged.

_ “No, it’s valid to not want others to know. Besides, going to a meeting for LGBTQ+ people doesn’t mean you yourself are LGBTQ+. I have straight, cisgender friends that show up sometimes for food and companionship.” _

Eiji swallowed thickly, nodding his head.  _ Just because I go to a meeting for gay people doesn’t make me gay. Even though I am gay. Which is okay. _

Eiji took a deep breath, turning to Isiah. 

_ “I’ll be good.” _

As they walked, Eiji thought about when he first heard about homosexuals. 

He was listening to his ‘friends’ in high school who were talking about how his sister was obsessed with yaoi, which lead to a dive into yuri, or doujinshi (a porn magazine) about lesbian couples tailored for men. Eiji remembered everyone being latched onto the screen, but he, just, didn’t feel anything. No one called it out for him, but he made up these desires for women. 

Until he met Ash. 

He couldn’t make up his desire like that: bright, burning, beautiful desire. The need to touch, to weave fingers through hair, to feel warm skin underhand, all spun around the knocked-out stars that he had seen in American cartoons. A need to appreciate art but to understand it as well, to know what goes on in that head, what haunts his hallways, what he loves and hates and why and when and where and  _ why. _

**Thinking of you <3**

Isiah opened the glass door, Eiji following him down the depressing corridor. 

_ “If they overwhelm you, let me know if you want to leave.” _

_ “I’ll be good, thank you though.” _

Isiah opened the door, a crowd of fifteen or so people spread around the room. A few were dressed interestingly, a few quietly sitting at their desk, but a rowdy group of men(?) filled the room with noise.

_ “-but James sent me Yana’s notes, not thanks to you!” _

_ “I had to finish my ramen, excuse me!” _

_ “No, food comes first over notes.” _

_ “For someone else?!” _

_ “Well-” _

_ “SEE!” _

_ “-what kind of ramen was it?” _

_ “The red kind.” _

_ “Yah, foods before dudes.” _

_ “Come on!” _

_ “Isiah!”  _ one of them called, eyeing Eiji curiously.

_ “Awww, he brought a little gay,”  _ one of them cooed, wrapping Eiji in a hug. 

_ AM I THAT TRANSPARENT?! _

_ “Guys, ease up on him,”  _ Isiah waved away, the one wrapped around Eiji pulling him further into his embrace. They smelled like linens and pepper flakes and they gave surprisingly good hugs. 

_ “Isiah, you never bring people, and what has it been, three weeks?” _

_ “I’ve been busy,”  _ Isiah frowned, trying to pull Eiji from someone’s grasp, but slowly, Eiji was melting into their hug,

_ “What’s your name?” _

_ “Eiji,”  _ Eiji replied smally, like a child introducing themselves to an adult.

_ “Awww, he’s adorable!” _

_ “How, how did you know-” _

_ “You give off the vibe,”  _ one of them stated directly, Eiji grabbing the arms wrapped around him to pull himself out. 

_ “Does that mean everyone else can tell?”  _ Eiji worried.

_ “It’s not an exact science,”  _ Isiah explained.  _ “But in English, we call it a gaydar. You know, like a radar, but for detecting LGBTQ+ people. Most heterosexual people can’t tell unless you tell them directly to their face, so you don’t have to worry.” _

_ “You don’t know what a gaydar is?” _

_ “Andrea, chill. He’s new to the whole being-out-of-the-closet thing and he lives in Japan.” _

Eiji had heard about ‘being in the closet’ from Ash. He explained that Eiji knew he was homosexual, but it wasn’t publically known by his friends or family, meaning he was still ‘in the closet’. How closets equate to homosexuality, Eiji will never know. 

Instead, someone said,  _ “Japan? Like where anime is from?” _

_ “Yes, like-” _

_ “Okay, we need to get this meeting started,”  _ someone called out, everyone taking a seat somewhere and the guy looking hatefully at the girl that interrupted him.  _ “We’re working on the transgender seminar for the staff members, but until then, we were going to have a day to talk about representation in the media. So, who wants to start?” _

_ “Well, I feel like there isn’t a normalization of gay relationships,”  _ someone started, lounging back in an open, comfortable way that greatly differed from how Eiji felt.  _ “Like, we have all these romantic comedies about heterosexual couples, but except for Love Simon, but there isn’t any same-sex main couple.” _

_ “I feel that, like, there are couples, but there they just feel thrown in there, like they just added it for the sake of representation and nothing else.” _

_ “Like queerbaiting!” _

_ “Exactly.” _

_ “And there is the issue of homosexual and or transgender people of color,”  _ Isiah added, the crowd turning to him.  _ “Usually, when you see a heterosexual couple, it’s two white people, even though there is a considerable population of colored people in the LGBTQ community. It’s like we have to be defined by either our race or our sexuality or gender, but god forbid we’re all of that.” _

_ “That’s a great point, Isiah,”  _ someone complimented, the crowd lulling back into a thoughtful silence.

_ “There’s also this idea to hyper sexualize gay couples,”  _ someone added.  _ “Like how they get objectified and all of that.” _

Eiji really wanted to add to the conversation, but as soon as the words were on his tongue, he was interrupted.

_ “And how everyone is either unhappy for being closeted or porn. There is no in between and it’s frustrating when I just want gays in love.” _

For the rest of the meeting, Eiji didn’t feel the need to add to the conversation, but he slowly sank into the calm of the room. Everyone was comfortable, but there was also this underlying sense of passion--not in the sense of sexual attraction--that called on people to define who they were. In that room, you were stripped bare of economics and skin color and you were just this basic structure of attraction and identity. You were just you. 

Eiji found it refreshing. You knew you fitted in but you didn’t need to explain yourself or why you qualified. Everyone respected each other in a way that Eiji missed, but no one pitied the other. Even then, you could see it in their stature; they had stories about how they got from then to now, metamorphosis from something fit for society to something fit for themselves. 

Eiji hoped he would be able to tell his story, one day.

**____________________________________**

  
  


**American Boy**

**hey **

**Hello**

**How are you?**

**Good. I just went to a GSA meeting. It was interesting.**

**How about you?**

**i’m fine**

**idk im just bored**

**It’s a nice day! Maybe you should go outside**

**idk too much work**

**plus i might run into someone**

**Is that a problem?**

**when its me yah**

**...Well, what if I came out with you?**

**maybe**

**Okay**

**Why do you need to distance yourself from others?**

**It’s okay if you don’t answer, I’m not going to hold it against you**

**I’m just trying to help**

**ik**

**im just feeling weird**

**I’m sorry.**

**Is there any way I can help?**

**just keep talking**

**or texting in this case**

**Okay**

**You said you were reading books?**

**just some stuff**

**some classic English literature, some scifi, you know**

**i read a few ‘young adult’ books and they werent that half bad**

**i just wanted to read**

**That’s cool**

**I’m not reading anything interesting at the moment, just books for school**

**And school just takes the fun out of everything**

**Except**

**I went to a GSA meeting with the person I am shadowing and it was really freeing I guess**

**that’s good!**

**yah, america is a little more open about the gays and on a college campus as well, where people tend to be more liberal, you’ll find stuff like that**

**Who knew?**

**Well, you knew, you just explained it**

**I’m being awkward haha :P**

**I’m sorry**

**Dude, I am literally awkward all of the time, shut up**

**I feel really bad for leaving you. I really want to be with you but I also need to go to school and, you know, have a life. And I just wanted to apologize if me being there physically could have stopped whatever happened because, no matter if it was you or me or no one or someone else, I don’t care. I still want to be with you and I know, this is something I should say in person but I don’t think I could say this without crying because I just want us to be okay, just for one fucking second. I feel like we deserve it but then shit happens and one of us or both of us fall apart and then we’re back to where we started, and I’m not saying I resent you or me in anyway, but I’m just tired I guess.**

**first of all, NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT. this is literally all me and you shouldnt regret getting an education over someone and no, even if you were here, it would have happened. **

**also, as someone who has been cosmically fucked since birth, i know how it feels to feel exhausted by the ‘what else’ life throws at you. and i honestly didnt understand how hard relationships were until i meet you but i can’t thank you enough. i seriously don’t know where i would be without and i want you to know that i value you more than i can put into words. **

**so thank you for dealing with me**

**You don’t have to thank me for being a decent person and you don’t have to put all of the blame on yourself. Sometimes, things just happen that aren’t your fault. **

**Also thank you for reassuring me, sometimes I just need your words telling me it’s okay because things get crazy and sometimes you just feel like the one stable presense in my life**

**i feel really bad that i wasnt there**

**i honestly didnt mean to hurt you, i just panicked and shelled up and yah, thats how i cope with life, but it isnt healthy. i shouldnt have pushed you away but i saw all of the messages and i didnt know how to follow up all of that**

**also im sorry buddy but i am not stable if you couldnt tell**

**Hey, it’s okay. After I got in contact with Alex, I figured you would reach out when you were ready. I won’t deny, it hurt, but talking with you again makes up for all of the pain and more. **

**but anytime you need someone to tell you shit is fucked up lmk**

**Also I kind of went overboard on the messages. Sorry**

**Lol, I meant, sometimes you just feel, right, I guess would be the best words. Like everything be wrong but you would somehow be the answer to everything, no matter what.**

**I don’t know what I’m saying anymore**

**Ignore me haha**

**believe me i think i understand**

**like everything can be falling apart but if youre there, everything is better. even if you arent actively helping, just you being there in the moment with me makes the moment so much better than any other moment with you**

**wow we are sounding so sappy**

**We are XD**

**I didn’t want to say anything but yah**

**NOW I HAVE TO DELETE THESE MESSAGES**

**no one must know i have emotions**

**or that this exist**

**Hahahaha**

**I think they’re cute**

**Your face is cute**

**jk hahahaha**

**<3**

**Bruh, you can’t just flirt and then kid about it. It’s an all or nothing exchange**

**Also SCREENSHOTTING THAT**

**NOW I HAVE PICTURES TO HOLD AGAINST YOU**

**NOOOOO**

**(also that’s called blackmail and please dont send those photos out, thank you)**

**(the way you are talking about it sounds like those pictures are scandalous)**

**(lmaooo yah)**

**____________________________________**

  
  


_ “What three words can make even the strongest men break?” Ash thought aloud, twirling the silver knife between his fingers.  _

_ “I love you.” _

_ Ash halted for a moment, before turning to the half-asleep Eiji on the couch. _

_ “What?” _

_ “I love you. Three words, can break anything.” _

_ “Huh...I never thought about it like that.” _

**____________________________________**

Eiji got ready for the day, dressing up in a sweatshirt and leaving for chemistry, only to find Raku lounging in the commons.

“Hello Ra-san. How are you?”

“I’m good,” she spoke, flipping an unlit cigarette around her fingers. “I was wondering when you were going back to see your friends.”

“I don’t know, whenever I can get away I guess. Why?”

“Well,” Raku drew out, her body framing a seemingly school-girl crush, “I wanted to go back there. I really liked them.”

“Ra-san,” Eiji deadpanned, “I know why you want to go. I know all of the stories.”

Raku Peters was known to, in the American phrase, get around; he had heard guys at parties boasted about dipping into Raku Peters like she was a communal drug. Eiji, personally, saw no appeal in living a life of lust and dominance, but that was why he and Ash worked so well together; neither of them wanted to stand out against the other and neither felt strongly about sexual desires. Maybe when everything stabilized and they grew more confident in each other, they would be more assertive and more passionate, but Eiji was satisfied with what they had now. 

“Surely you don’t know all of them,” she giggled, the cigarette disappearing from her hand.

Sometimes, Raku frustrated Eiji. She knew she was a slut (WHICH WASN’T THE PROBLEM) but she constantly played off the coy, innocent child that she was not in any sense of the word. Eiji had no problem with innocence and appreciated it sometimes, but there were people that innocence did not fit to and that was Raku Peters.

“Ra-san, I’m not judging in anyway. I’ll take you if you can come with me but all I’m saying is if you get pregnant-”

“I won’t Okumera,” she stopped, a condescending drudge in her voice. “I’m careful.”

“Okay,” Eiji nodded, checking the time and the day. “I’ll see about going tomorrow. How about that?”

“Sounds good Ei-san.”

“Take care,” he waved off, hoisting his backpack up to head to class and leaving behind a frustrating indifference.

**____________________________________**

  
  


**Is it cool if I head over tomorrow?**

**Maybe instead of meeting in your room, we could go on the roof?**

Eiji took a seat and pulled out his computer, someone sliding in next to him.

_ “Hello, are you new?” _

Eiji looked up to a delicate girl with a sparrana voice. Her black hair was braided back, exposing her porcelain skin and smile.

_ “I’m an exchange student. Eiji.” _

_ “Kaitlyn,”  _ she smiled, laying her hand on her face.  _ “Where are you from?” _

_ “Japan.” _

_ “That’s so cool! My grandparents are from China.” _

_ “That’s cool,”  _ Eiji agreed, the girl following his movements as he opened his laptop. 

_ “What are you studying?”  _ she asked, leaning in more.

_ “Social work.” _

_ “That’s nice, I’m studying finance. Parent’s think it’s good for me to take on the family business or something.” _

_ “Tell me about it,”  _ Eiji mumbled.

_ “What did you say?” _

_ “Sorry, just that my parents are the same way,”  _ Eiji explained. 

Before she could draw out the conversation, the teacher stepped into the room and the room fell silent as he talked about derivatives (yaaah).

**tomorrow on the roof**

**what time?**

**One?**

**sure sounds good**

**see you then**

**<3**

_ “Hey, do you want to come get some coffee?”  _ she asked, picking up her stuff. 

_ “Sure, I got some time.” _

The two walked away from the class, the girl chatting while Eiji appeased her. 

_ “What are you going to order?”  _ Eiji asked, as she went to list her complicated order. 

_ “What about you?” _

_ “A frappuccino.” _

_“Here, how about you get us a good seat and I’ll get us coffee.”__  
_ _“Oh, here,” _Eiji started, pulling out money to pay for his coffee.

_ “You don’t need to pay,”  _ she laughed.

_ “No, it’s okay,”  _ Eiji halted, walking off so that she couldn’t give him his money back.

He took a seat near the window and sighed, the exhaustion of focusing in class wearing on him.  _ At least I get to see Ash tomorrow. _

As he was sending Ash a meme, he caught sight of a group of people. People from the GSA meeting.

_ FUCK FUCK FUCK _

Eiji stumbled to get something in front of him and luckily got his laptop in down in face the girl came back.

_ “Here you go.” _

_ “Thank you,”  _ Eiji exhaled, taking off the top and letting it cool.

_“You’re always working.”__  
_ _“I work best in the morning,” _Eiji shrugged, taking a small sip of the coffee and looking up at the expectantly waiting girl. 

_ “I’m sorry, that was rude of me,”  _ Eiji stated, putting his laptop away.  _ “So where do you live?” _

_ “At school, in the dorms, but then when I’m not in school, I live in New Orleans.” _

_ “Where is New Orleans?”  _ Eiji asked, never hearing about the place from the gang or Ash. He’s been to San Francisco and has heard that a lot of San somethings exist nearby, but he knows there is a state called Texas, the capital is Washington DC, and that there are some mountains somewhere and a Grand Canyon.

_ “It’s in Louisiana, but New Orleans isn’t like the rest of the South. Sure, it has a small Southern town feel, but it’s way more diverse than you would think.” _

_ “South? Like the direction?” _

_ “Oh, the section of the country. We split American by North and South.” _

Eiji noticed the group of GSA people whispering but kept his eyes focused on the girl trying to explain the difference between the South and the North in the US. 

She went on and on, explaining her home and then asking about his home, Eiji always aware of where the GSA members were located. 

_ “I’m sorry, I have to get to class,”  _ Eiji lied, feeling like he outstayed his visit. 

_ “Oh, here, let me give you my number,”  _ she asked, a pen already prepared and making the tires squeal in Eiji’s head.

_ Eiji, you are so dumb. _

_ She was  _ ** _asking_ ** _ you out to coffee. _

_“Oh,” _Eiji stumbled, her expression falling, _“Kaitlyn, I’m so sorry, I just realized what you asked. I, uh, am already in a relationship. I’m sorry.”__  
_ _“Oh, no, it’s fine,” _she stumbled, catching herself into a hurt smile. _“Here, I can still give you my number, in case you need help or anything.”_

_ “Thank you,”  _ Eiji replied awkwardly, taking the cup with the phone number on it.  _ “Anyway, I’ll see you around.” _

_ “Bye,”  _ and just like that, she ran off through the glass doors. 

**ASOIGARIBA HELP**

**what **

**I ACCIDENTLY GOT OUT FOR COFFEE**

**accidently ?**

**bruh how do you do that?**

**I THOUGHT SHE WAS BEING NICE**

**WE HAD COFFEE AND STUFF AND IT WAS AN OKAY TIME**

**BUT WHEN SHE ASKED FOR MY NUMBER I REALIZED WHAT IT LOOKED LIKE**

**hahahahah**

**Also how to do people, just, see me and think “he looks like he’s single.”**

**Or why would someone want to come up to me in the first place?**

**lol a sweater that says something like #1 bf or something**

**okay, no, stop**

**???**

**you are somehow cute and hot but you arent cocky or egotistical about yourself in a way that most guys are. you listen to anyone and youre respectful of everyone you meet, no matter who they are or what they do or have done (take me, for example). **

**those are some good qualities for boyfriend material, just sayin**

***blushes in Japanese***

**Stoooop **

**nope**

**never stopping**

**____________________________________**

  
  


“Hey Baka.”

“Hey Mayu-chan. How are you?”

“I’m okay. How’s America?”

“Dark. It’s night right now.”

“Really? Where are you?”

“In the common room, calling you. We just got back from dinner and we’re about to get a movie night going while the girls go look at what a sorority is.”

“What is a sorority?”

“It’s part of the American college culture. In sororities, girls live together under one name, and they all have different focuses: science, socialization, sports. It’s like an honor’s college for elites of extracurricular.”

“That sounds interesting. What about men?”

“We get fraternities. Same thing, different gender.”

“That’s cool...Is there any reason why you’re calling?”

“I, just, wanted to check in.”

“...I’m, tired...Okaa-san keeps wanting me to do everything perfectly and I can’t. I have to set alarms, to get myself moving, and even then, it’s hard. And she’s worried about Oto-san. He lost his job and now all he does is go out, drink, come back.”

“I’m sorry, I wish I could help.”

“I don’t know what to do. They keep shouting about saving money and paying for your college and it’s awful, Ei-kun.”

“Mayu-chan.”

“I’m sorry, I promised I wouldn’t cry but it’s so stressful here. I’ve tried to stay out of the house as much as possible but it’s so hard. I called my friend crying because…*sniffle*... I couldn’t take suffering in silence and I was able to spend the night there, but, that was only one night.”

“I’m sorry, I really...if this wasn’t as important-”

“No, Ei-kun, please, go live your life. Just because shit sucks here doesn’t mean it has to suck for you.”

“Yes, but you’re stuck in the middle of this and none of this is your fault.”

“I know…”

“...”

“...So, what is New York like?”

**____________________________________**

  
  


<strike> **Do you love me?** </strike>

<strike> **I love you** </strike>

<strike> **Can you call me?** </strike>

<strike> **FUuuuuck** </strike>

<strike> **Even though I know plenty about your family, do you want to hear about mine? ** </strike>

<strike> **Hey, so my sister has clinical depression, my father is an alcoholic, and my mother is cheating on him, and I just need some reassurance. Please call.** </strike>

<strike> **Can you please tell me everything will be okay?** </strike>

<strike> **Shit is falling apart around me and I just need to hear your voice say everything will be okay. Please.** </strike> **   
**

**Good night**

**good night**

**____________________________________**

  
  


Eiji slid on gloves and fumbled with the keys before walking down to the ground floor. 

Raku was waiting in her long coat, her fingers flying across the screen in her palm. 

“Ready to go?”

“Yah,” she exhaled, slipping her phone into her pocket and walking out with Eiji.

Raku didn’t say much; she observed everything with a curious intrigue. 

They went on the subway this time, considering that Eiji didn’t want to walk the entire way and was not keen on becoming Raku’s personal tour guide. He had forgotten how dank it smelled and how the eccentric blend of wealth and wither that occupied the worn plastic seats. The grim of the city pressed into the corners of slick advertisements for toothpaste, beer, and a prestigious high school, the shine coming through the sickly electrical lights. 

**We’ll be there in about ten minutes. Put on a hat, it’s chilly.**

“What is this called?” Raku asked, turning to Eiji.

“It’s the  _ subway.  _ It’s a network of underground trains. They’re faster than cars.”

“Huh,” she let out, turning back towards the crowd. 

The subway rattled on, tunnels of brick and tile and sliding and stopping, disappearing behind the windows, until they arrived at their stop. They fumbled off of the subway and ambled up the steep stairs. The sun peaked from beyond the rise of the stairs and buildings but the chill flowed down into the veins of the city.

The pair tightened their jackets and readjusted their headgear and gloves.

They listened to the whistling wind and their shoes echo against the sidewalk as they walked down the empty street. After the second time, Raku looked prepared to take on the landscape, but even now, she still held a quickness in her eye that comes with the unfamiliar territory. 

They turned the same corner to the convenience store and came up to the guard, who started to draw his gun before setting it away. 

“ _ Boss told me to look out fo some funny lookin’ Asians.” _

The guard let them pass, Raku more on edge then Eiji, who wished him a good day before venturing into the safe house.

Of course, Raku didn’t know it was a safe house. Eiji’s classmates probably already suspected his friends to be delinquents of some sort, but by the look of it, neither Raku nor his classmates knew they had been in the middle of gang territory.

“I’ll be upstairs if you need me. Text or call if there are any problems.”  
“I got it,” Raku sighed irritably. “You know, you don’t have to baby me.

“I just don’t want anything bad happening to you,” Eiji replied, leaving her quiet for a moment as he bid her farewell. 

Somehow, rising from floor to floor felt like a rite of passage. After braving the distance and elements, after climbing the rickety stairs, he felt transported to a whole new dimension, a different plane of existence. Everything fell away and no one invaded it, just the entire presence of Ash in Eiji’s mind, Eiji’s ear, Eiji’s heart.

He climbed up the next set of worrying stairs up to a metal door, which stood cold and emoteless, revealing nothing that hid beyond the door, except the light that seeped through the bottom.

Eiji opened the door to the windy roof and Ash sprung up.

His laser eyes pierced Eiji. His hair was tucked into a mint green hat on his head that reminded Eiji of refreshing ice cream on a spring day. 

He looked hollower (something that Eiji identified too deeply). The bags under his eyes smudged grey underneath his eyes and his skin looked like it had been mixed with a few too many shades of white. 

But here he was, standing, in New York, with Eiji, right in front of him.

Ash shifted and looked down at his feet, Eiji closing the last few feet of distance and stopping right in front of him.

_ “Hey you.” _

Ash swallowed thickly, his voice soft.  _ “Hey.” _

Eiji tried to get in front of Ash’s face but as he got his face in frame, Ash pulled his eyes away and looked at Eiji head on. 

_ “How are you?” _ Ash asked, his words feeling stilted, as if there was something else to be said.

_“I’m okay,”_ Eiji shrugged, _“Better, know that I get to see you.”_  
Ash brought his eyes back to his feet, a bow in his back that told Eiji so much more. 

_ “What’s wrong?” _

_ “Nothing.” _

_ “Ash-” _ Eiji’s voice hardened, and he saw a single freezing tear trail down Ash’s face and land on the concrete.

_ “I’m sorry, I can’t do this.” _

_ “What?” _

_ “I-I told myself I-I needed to spare you,” _ Ash cried, his crumpled hands coming to his face.  _ “I was g-going to break up w-with, b-but I can’t d-do th-is.” _

_ “Woh woh woh,  _ please don’t do this,  _ hold up. I-I don’t understand.” _

Ash turned away and sat down on ground, the wall to his back, balling himself up into a ball as though trying to disappear into a black hole.

Eiji came to sit next to him, the gravel biting into his butt. 

_ “I don’t deserve you,”  _ he whispered, still hiding his face.  _ “All of the things you’ve done for me, the calls, the patience, the damn text messages, just, all of that doesn’t belong to me.” _

_ “Please don’t hold it against me,”  _ he pleaded, still crossed into a ball.

They waited for a moment before Eiji spoke.

_ “I don’t deserve you either--let me finish. You are so attentive and reassuring when I’m not sure if I’m enough.” _

_ “But you are-” _

_ “Let me finish. You are such a good person. I know that’s something you’ve never heard, and maybe you don’t believe it yourself, but you are in my eyes. You constantly put others before yourself and when something gets you down, you always get back up and fight back. You don’t give up, you build and plan and attack, and you’re willing to give it your all in anything you do. _

_ I’m proud to be your boyfriend, even if you don’t believe it.” _

Eiji watched Ash’s head come up, seeing Eiji’s hand on his chest and analyzing his sincerity. 

_ “I’m sorry,”  _ Ash whispered, tears burning down his cheek as he rubbed them away. 

_ “For what?” _

_ “All of this stress,”  _ Ash groaned, futilely trying to rub all of the chilling tears away.  _ “Why did I think breaking up when we would first meet each other was a good idea?” _

_ “You tell me,”  _ Eiji shrugged, the playful Ash being pulled back on.  _ “You look good.” _

_ “Thanks, I looked adequate before I was crying,”  _ Ash teased, continuing to wipe away tears.

_ “No,”  _ Eiji waved away, brushing Ash’s hands away from his face.  _ “You look good now.” _

Ash snorted, a small smile caressing his lips as he continued to wipe away tears. 

Ash’s tears shined in the afternoon sun, falling down on a cloudless day. The angles and press of his hand against his cheek called to Eiji, begging to be that hand that warms his love’s cheek and weaved through his fingers. Some color had been casted on Ash’s cheeks, either from crying or the cold, but either way, it showed he had warm blood and a heart in his body. 

_ “You look good too,”  _ Ash threw back, picking away an invisible tear in the corner of his eye.

_ “Thank you. I didn't know what to wear,”  _ Eiji explained, pulling at his shirt.  _ “What do you wear to a make-up meeting?” _

_ “Nothing.” _

Ash startled at the slip, while Eiji bursted into surprised laughter. 

_ “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-” _

_ “Don’t be,” _ Eiji giggled, his face warmed.  _ “I just don’t think that would be very practical.” _

_ “Yah, forget I said anything, _ ” Ash waved off, fitting his hands back into his lap.

The couple went quiet on the roof, Eiji waiting for Ash to react.

_ “I don’t know what to say. I mean, I usually have so much to say around you but now I’m blanking. Isn’t it weird?” _

_ “That’s not weird,”  _ Eiji assured, Ash throwing his head back in between his crossed legs.

_ “Now it’s weird.” _

_ “No it’s not.” _

_ “I cried and failed to break up with you.” _

_ “Well, it’s justified I’m sure.” _

_ “God, I’m such a ditz,”  _ Ash murmured, Eiji tilting his head.

_ “What’s a ditz?” _

_ “Someone who does stupid stuff and therefore becomes the stupid stuff.” _

_ “You know you have over a million words in the English language, and you choose to use ‘stuff’ to describe everything.” _

_ “It’s a multi-purpose word!”  _ Ash exclaimed, pulling himself out of his legs.  _ “You can use it for anything!” _

_ “So you could say ‘I like your stuff’?” _

_ “Yah, but it depends on what context you say that in because it can sometimes sound like flirting.” _

_ “Well when I flirt, I want to show off my English prowess.” _

_ “Says the kid that tried to use ‘sexy’ to describe his Nori sweater.” _

_ “That was ONE TIME.” _

Ash tossed his head back and forth in judgement, Eiji clicking his tongue. 

_ “Guess we’re both ditz.” _

Ash smiled at Eiji, a worn brow cressing in fondness. 

_ “How’s America treating you?” _

_ “Well, I went to a restaurant and didn’t get yelled at by the waitress, so that was nice.” _

_ “That’s always nice. Remind me never to take you back to Jersey.” _

_ “Ohhh, that explains a lot.” _

_ “Yep,”  _ Ash stated, popping the p.  _ “Anything else?” _

_ “I took the subway and only saw one dog.” _

_ “Shameful,”  _ Ash shook his head.  _ “The dog owners of New York need to start a revolution.” _

_ “You remember that time we saw that pack of people with dogs in their bags?” _

_ “That was hilarious. The police officer was turned tomato red. I thought he was going to pass out.” _

_ “Me too. It was a small dog though, fit in some lady’s expensive purse.” _

_ “I’m okay with small dogs, but was it too small?” _

_ “Yah, it was.” _

_ “Hmm. At least, she would be wealthy enough to bribe the subway people.” _

_ “That is true,”  _ Eiji agreed, flitting through his mind for other topics of conversation.  _ “We have a movie night the other night.” _

_ “What did you watch?” _

_ “We watched, Godzilla.” _

_ “Really?” _

_ “Yah. Like we hadn’t seen it before. But then we watched Spirited Away so it evened out.” _

_ “Did they like it?” _

_ “Yah, they thought it was good. You know, exchanging cultures and such.” _

_ “We still need to finish that show.” _

_ “Which one?” _

_ “The one with the big naked people and people flying and swords.” _

_ “That is very descriptive.” _

_ “The initials were SNK.” _

_ “Oh,  _ Attack on Titan.  _ Yah, we do need to work through that.” _

_ “Maybe, next time you come?” _

_ “Sure,”  _ Eiji smiled, Ash smiling back. 

_ “You look your best when you smile,”  _ Ash pointed out, Eiji smile growing. 

_ “Thanks.” _

_ “I mean, look at those dimples!”  _ Ash poked at, literally poking his dimples. 

_ “Stop!”  _

Aslan laughed, his voice tickling the air and his face glowing. Eiji paused for a moment to take it in and looked down at his lips. 

They hadn’t kissed in so long. They kissed in the car before Ash left Japan, but after that... They had kissed so casually before all of this that it just became ingrained in his brain, to see Ash face and to press his love into those lips.

The two were suspended for a moment, Ash looking at Eiji.

Eiji never peer pressured Ash into satisfying him because he would become another one of  _ them _ , but Eiji had his desires. Truthfully, he was tired and desperate, and seeing Ash slowly unwound the control of his emotions.

Ash turned away from Eiji in sorrow.

_ “I don’t think…” _ Ash swallowed thickly, closing his eyes.  _ “I don’t think I can do it.” _

_ “That’s okay. We don’t have to, I’m sorry-” _

_ “It’s not your fault. It’s reasonable to expect...just, I need a break, from the romance, not from you.” _

_ “Okay,”  _ Eiji nodded.  _ “I understand.” _

The two were silent for a pregnant moment as Ash picked himself off the ground. 

Eiji’s phone buzzed through their moment. 

**I’m ready to go when you are.**

_ “I think that’s my queue to leave.” _

Ash nodded his head, holding open the metal door. 

_ “I’ll stay up here for a little longer, just to clear my head.” _

_ “Okay, just don’t stay up here too long...hey, you know we’ll get through this, you know that, right?” _

Ash nodded his head, his voice lodged with something heavy. 

_ “Take care. Hugs.” _

_ “Hugs,”  _ Ash called back, closing the door behind Eiji.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: grotesque description, references to substance abuse, cutting, and suicide, ingrained homophobia, implied sexual happenings, effects of alcoholism, angst
> 
> Was I that bitch that put political commentary into my fanfic? Yes, yes I did. 
> 
> Okay, I am warning that the lecture was written on little sleep, with vague connections to an scientific article, and mainly hypothesized off of personal experience. I am not saying that the content is wrong because I read through it when I was semi-conscious and it is all sound advice/information, but I have never taken a class in psychology or been to a psychology lecture. If it sounds good, cool, if it doesn’t, I’m not crushed. 
> 
> Yall. No one talks about how Eiji showed up to America an innocent, oblivious kiddo. I mean, he didn’t know what a real gun looked like. And not five minutes later, he gets kidnapped and Ash murders someone and that someone fucking died on Eiji’s shoulder. WITH SKIPPER IN THE CAR NEXT TO HIM. WHO ALSO DIES. 
> 
> If you didn't know, you're not allowed to have dogs on the subway, but I found a picture of someone with their pitbull in a bag and I thought it was hilarious, and these boys are dog people, so there was some fluff sprinkled in.
> 
> I created the whole mistaken date mishap as a joke that turned into Eiji appreciation and actually advanced their relationship so yah for self-indulgence? Question mark?
> 
> Also, I know that it feels like it's crawling forward, but I'm about to put it into another gear in the next chapter. I needed them to actually see each other and set up the preliminary circumstances with Isiah, Mayumi, and Raku before I drive the development and rebuilding forward for them. 
> 
> THANK YOU FOR ALL OF THE KUDOS AND COMMENTS AND LOVE!!!  
I'm super happy that others agree that Eiji's feelings is as important as Ash because as while I love Banana Fish and have a slight obsession with writing around it, my one concern was how Eiji and Ash have feelings for each other but there are rarely any talk about how Eiji feels and most of the time, it is restricted toward how he feels about being in America or being with Ash and everything outside of it is irrelevant (we don't even learn about the mess his family is from the manga, you have to look into Fly Boy to find out).
> 
> Anyway, leave a reaction in the comments, a kudos for the love, and I'll see you when I come back out of my cave.
> 
> °˖✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧˖°
> 
> ~ iijustoii


	4. charred corners

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A package of make-up remover wipes, a walking quandary, softer sides, a corner of darkness, a band aid, a pizza box, a bedpost, some memories, a personal record, and two plates of chicken shwarma.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, gals, and non-binary pals!   
I hope you enjoy!
> 
> (Trigger warning below)

Eiji came down to the second floor and saw Raku readjusting her hat, her shirt rumple and a phantom impression of lipstick smeared down her lip. 

“You still have lipstick on your face.”

“I know,” she grumbled, slipping her hair in the hat. Eiji couldn’t help but notice how pink her cheeks and how red her lips were without the lipstick. 

“Ready to head out?”

“Almost. I left a sock,” she called out, walking back in. 

Eiji sighed, wondering how this had become his life. 

Eiji fitted all of his outwear on before Raku got back, carrying the sock that wanted to stay. Eiji waited as Raku slid on her shoe and the two made their way out.

“Do you know anywhere where I can get cleaned up?”

Eiji led them to a convenience store, where the tinted windows kept the phosphorescent light in. Sterile white tiles covered the floor and the metal shelves decorated the lifeless halls, reminding Eiji of a saloon with no customers.

Raku ambled around the aisles lost.

“Make-up remover should be down this hall,” Eiji pointed out, Raku stepping around cautiously. 

Meanwhile, Eiji strutted into the candy aisle and picked up some candy for himself and something to share with Ash the next time he went over. 

Eiji met back up front, while Raku tenderly held a pack of make-up remover wipe, a bag of chips, a bottle of nail polish, and a pack of gum. 

Eiji paid for his candy, Raku paid for her bitty-bobs, and then Raku asked to use the bathroom. Eiji waited outside of the bathrooms.

  


**Do you want to continue with our show or watch a movie?**

  


Raku came back, her make-up wiped off and everything tucked back into place.

“Sorry about all of this.”

“It’s fine. Let’s just head back.”

Eiji and Raku walked back to the subway, Eiji thumbing through his cents and leaving his leftover cash with the person playing the synth machine on their stop.

“Why did you do that?” Raku asked, looking at Eiji.

“Because she made nice music.”

Raku looked from the girl back to Eiji, before turning towards the tunnel.

  


**whatever you want to do**

  


**Is it okay if we watch a movie? Maybe something American?**

**   
**

Raku was silent the rest of the trip, taking off her glove and hat on the tunnel ride.

“Are you planning on going back?”

“What?” Raku asked, turning towards Eiji.

“Do you want to go back?”

“...yah, sure. It wasn’t bad,” she shrugged off, Eiji noticing her awkward frame.

“Who did you hang out with?”

“We didn’t hang out, we had sex,” Raku bit, Eiji remaining quiet but still blushing in embarrassment. “And it’s none of your business.”

“It is if it involves my friends,” Eiji hardened, a glare coming to her eyes that Eiji didn’t break.

She turned away and tsked him. “Never seen this side of you Okumura...Fine, it was Alex-san.”

Eiji shrugged, leaning back into his seat. 

“I can take you back if you want. Next time might be for longer though.”

“Fine by me,” she shrugged back, looking at Eiji. “When do you plan on going back?”

“Saturday?” Eiji guessed, looking at Raku.

“We’re going to a party Friday night,” Raku reminded, the fraternity party they were invited to popping back up in his mind.

“Well, I’ll go, you can come the week after.”

“Fine,” she sighed, “but you are coming to the party, right?”

“Like I would miss a legendary American college party,” Eiji teased.

  


**____________________________________**

  
  


_ “What should I wear?”  _ Eiji asked, Isiah lounging on his bed.

_ “Something you feel confident in. Honestly, it’s up to you. You’re not looking to hook up with someone, unless-” _

_ “No, my boyfriend and I are still together,”  _ Eiji interjected, pulling out a button-up shirt.

_ “If you don’t mind me asking, who is your boyfriend?” _

Eiji threw his shirt on the bed beside him, scrounging through for some pants.

_ “His name is Aslan, but everyone calls him Ash.” _

_ “Does he go here?” _

_ “No,”  _ Eiji laughed, finding some jeans in his drawers.  _ “No, he lives in New York though.” _

_ “How did you two meet?” _

_ “We met at a bar,”  _ Eiji trying to carve their story into something more gentle.  _ “I went to America to help a photographer with an article and we were meeting someone there.” _

_ “What happened?” _

_ Crack! _

Eiji flinched at the sound, a horrible squealing noise next to him. A dash of warm blood splattered onto his cheek.

_ “...The bar caught on fire,”  _ Eiji lied, the hesitation noticeable to both.

Isiah tilted his head and narrowed his eyes, Eiji turning his back to find some socks and shoes. Once Eiji laid socks down on his outfit, his eyes came to Isiah.

_ “Why are you lying to me?” _

Eiji didn’t deny it. He sat himself down on the bed on top of his outfit, Isiah’s eyes curiously sparkling as he looked back into them. Eiji threw his head away, Isiah remaining quietly patient.

Isiah held the power to destroy Eiji’s relationship with his classmates, whether he realized it or not. It wasn’t something Eiji was too keen on revealing to them until he was comfortable, but even for Eiji, the sheer horror and circumstance of Ash’s life was untested on people outside of the gang or Ash’s life.

_ “It’s a long story.” _

_ “We have half an hour. Plus, we don’t have to be there on time.” _

Eiji picked up clothes and smoothed them on his lap. 

_ “Promise you won’t tell anyone.” _

_ “I promise.” _

_ “...Ash is the leader of a gang…” _

Isiah remained face remained neutral, a polite explanation expected before him.

_ “I was so innocent,”  _ Eiji whispered, shaking his head.  _ “I saw his gun and asked him if it was real.” _

_ “Is that a euphemism?”  _ Isiah asked, Eiji letting out a chuckle.

_ “No, no. I had never seen a gun, and I just blurted it out. But, he was nice about it. Instead of being hostile like everyone else, he let me hold it. It wasn’t flashy or anything, but I later learned he never let anyone hold his gun…” _

_ “...This is sounding so much like a euphemism.” _

_ “Stoooop!”  _ Eiji blushed, covering his face.  _ “I’m being serious.” _

_ “Sorry. What happened?” _

_ “Well, I-you ruined it for me!” _

_ “I’m sorry, I’m sorry!”  _ Isiah laughed.

Eiji shook his head, asking Isiah to turn around so he could change.

_ “...What’s he like?” _

_ “...He’s surprisingly delicate. He’s too good for me, but he doesn’t think so. I mean, I guess you think it’s crazy for me to fall in love with a gang leader of all people, but he didn’t choose it. He’s just been dealt a bad hand, at least I think that’s the English phrase.” _

_ “...Is he nice to you?” _

_ “...Yah, he is...you can turn around now.” _

Isiah turned around, Eiji checking out his hair in the small mirror in his closet.

_ “Does he love you?” _

Eiji shrugged, the question making his face warm.  _ “He’s never said it, but he’s told me every day we’ve been together, if that makes any sense.” _

_ “No, it doesn’t.” _

_ “He, he’s complicated. He doesn’t say a lot, but he does a lot of things that mean some sort of love.” _

Eiji turned towards Isiah, who looked at him like a walking quandary, a whole story hidden behind those eyes. 

_ “Do you know what you’re doing being with him?” _

_ “I do and I don’t,” _ Eiji tossed around, coming back to Isiah.  _ “I know how dangerous it is being with him, but I don’t know what to do with him.” _

_ “What do you mean?” _

_ “Like I said, he’s a complicated person. I’m trying to figure it out, but I guess there’s always that foreign human element.” _

Isiah nodded, driven into a ponderous quiet by Eiji’s words.

_ “Ready to go?” _

_ “Yah, let’s go.” _

  


**____________________________________**

  
  


Eiji opened the door to the fraternity quarters, the sounds of high laughter rising over the bone-echoing bass. 

Everyone was herded into the commons room, where the lights swirled across the ceiling and faces and room smelled of sweat, people, alcohol, and a flammable mix of perfumes and cologne. Women were dancing in tight-fitting garments, the men huddled around and plotting their next moves. 

Isiah waved to a section of the crowd, with a hand coming up.

_ “Hey Isiah!”  _ someone yelled over the music. 

Everyone’s voice got lost in the crowd but the sight was dazzling, the crowd dashed in glitter, smiles, and shamelessness. Undulating bodies and hooded glances twirled around the pair, Eiji stepping away from the center of the party’s core. In the end, found himself in a plain looking hallway where he wasn’t in range to destroy his eardrums and could feel the air conditioning working.

  


**What are you doing?**

**just woke up. about to get some cereal**

  


**Sounds nice**

**I’m at a college party. Does not live up to the hype**

**I’m already bored**

  


**shall i send you an 8ball game?**

  


**Please**

  


After three games of Eight Ball, two games of Crazy Eights, and one and half games of Battleships, Isiah found Eiji, a boy in hand. 

_ “Hey Eiji, a group of us are going to Waffle House, want to come?” _

_ “Sure.” _

Eiji followed the crowd, constantly text Ash back his games or keeping in contact, posting to his story, talking to his few friends.

_ I wish Ash was here _ Eiji thought idly, tucking his phone back into his pocket. 

There was a girl laughing down on a guys arm, Isiah and a boy swinging their arms, a lock of girls over each other’s shoulders, chatter warming the drooping streetlights and power lines. In Eiji’s mind, Ash and Eiji were walking hand in hand, talking about idioms and idiots and idols--American and Japanese--with their softer sides pressed together, fitting in with the crowd.

_ One day... _

  


**____________________________________**

  
  


_ “Ash! Open up! I brought candy!”  _ Eiji knocked, the door swinging open. 

Ash’s hair was tousled and he looked half-asleep standing up. The curtains were closed, plunging the modest room into a corner of darkness.

“ _ Did I wake you just up?”  _ Eiji laughed, but judging by Ash’s sour face, he probably did. 

_ “Can I come in?”  _ Ash motioned Eiji in, closing the door behind him and scratching at his head.

_ “Ash, I can’t see.” _

A hand came to Eiji’s wrist, pulling him towards the corner until his shin knocked into something.

_ “Thanks, but do you want me to go you something? Lunch maybe?” _

_ “Fuck off,”  _ Ash snapped, before letting out a cute-sounding yawn.

_ “ _ Fuck  _ fine. I only brought those red fish that you like and popped corn.” _

_ “It’s pop-ed corn,”  _ Ash grumbled, watching Eiji groped around through his backpack he brought.

_ “You should eat something substantial,”  _ Eiji worried, standing up empty-handed.

_ “I get by.” _

_ “No, I mean like meals, at normal times of day.” _

A shifting could be heard, but nothing definitive.

_ “Can you please turn on some lights? I can’t see in here.” _

_ “Use your flashlight.” _

_ “This is ridiculous,”  _ Eiji stated, finding the small peaks of sun and ripping them open.

_ “Fuck, Eiji!”  _ Ash cursed, cowering from the light.

_ “There, much better.” _

_ “Turn the light off!”  _ Ash ordered from under the covers, Eiji clicking his tongue.

_ “Ash, the light won’t hurt you.” _

_ “Fuuuuck.” _

Ash yanked the cover off finally, Eiji opening his drawers. 

_ “Come on, change in plans. We’re going out.” _

_ “Out? Out where?” _

_ “Out of here,”  _ Eiji motioned.  _ “I’m treating you to food. Real food.” _

_ “Eiji, I really-” _

_ “Come on! It’s really nice outside!” _

_ “Eiji-” _

_ “Plus, I heard from Sing about this really cool Lebanese place, whatever that is.” _

_ “Eiji!” _

Ash grabbed Eiji’s arm, before pulling it back like he had been burned.

_ “Eiji, I really appreciate you looking out for me, but I’m fine.” _

Eiji paused for a moment, the words hitting him aside the head.

“We both know you aren’t fine.”

Eiji wasn’t sure Ash understood, but just by the tone and unspoken-spoken nature of those words, there was a notion of what they meant.

_ “...How about pizza?” _

_ “Pizza on the roof.” _

_ “...Sounds like a plan.” _

  


**____________________________________**

  
  


The sky sank into a blood orange hue as the sun was eclisped by New York’s monuments to the rich--their own sort of Greek gods. On one of the lower buildings on the outer edge of the city, Eiji and Ash were unzipping navy blue sleeping bags and laying them out like a blanket over the jagged cement.

Eiji heard commotion from below and excused himself to go get the pizza. 

He flew down the stairs, paid the scarred pizza guy, and walked back up.

_ “I think we traumatized the pizza guy.” _

_ “Oh yah, I forgot there were guards around here,”  _ Ash remarked, making grabby hands for the pizza box.

“ _ Let me go get some napkins and don’t put your greasy fingers all over my computer!” _

_ “Fine, fine,”  _ Ash waved off, opening the box for their half meat-lovers, half margarita pizza.

Eiji walked down the stairs again, the sounds of hushed voices heard below. Eiji continued down, the voices growing louder.

Eiji turned into the kitchen, where a girl that wasn’t Raku was sitting on the counter in a large shirt--presumably Alex’s--and Alex was standing by the stove.

_ “Hey guys!”  _ Eiji greeted, going over and grabbing napkins.  _ “Don’t mind me, just getting some paper towels and drinks.” _

_ “Hey Eiji!”  _ Alex boomed, whatever sizzling on the stove.  _ “How’s Ash?” _

_ “He’s good, but I left him unsupervised on the roof, so-” _

_ “Oh, yah, go, see yuh!” _

Eiji waved them off and sprinted up the stairs, taking them two at a time until he reached the roof breathless.

_ “Did you get cups?” _

_ “Nope. Guess these are ours now.” _

_ “Why?” _

_ “I had an awkward interaction with Alex and the girl he hooked up with.” _

_ “Hooked up?”  _

_ “Yes, as in-” _

_ “I know what a hook up is!”  _ Ash batted off.  _ “Ugh, just hand me the root beer!” _

Eiji handed over the large bottle of root beer, Ash opening it too quickly. Bubbles, hisses, and curses flew out, Ash running out from their cover of sleeping bags to bare cement, where he finished opening it. 

Eiji opened his can of Sprite and watched Ash catch his breath while the creamy stream of bubbles ceased spurting from the big bottle of root beer.

_ “You good?”  _

_ “Yep,”  _ Ash motioned, raising a thumbs up and picking the bottle back up.  _ “I think I might have cut my foot.” _

Sure enough, blood was coming from his foot, Eiji cursing and instructing him to sit down.

_ “Where are the band aids?” _

_ “In my room, on my bedside table.” _

Eiji ran down and opened his door, finding them right next to his lamp. He also ran into the bathroom and grabbed some ointment and rags, running them up to Ash.

Eiji put the rag to his foot and waited for the wound to clot, Ash taking a comically small sip from his over sized bottle of root beer.

_ “How is it?” _

_ “Pretty good, thanks for asking.” _

After a few minutes, Eiji gentle peeled the red rag from Ash’s foot. The wound was an angry red color, but Eiji rubbed the cool ointment on it and covered it with the band aid. 

_ “Thanks.” _

Eiji took his hands off of Ash’s foot, bringing the pizza closer to them.

_ “Is this okay?” _

_ “This is good,” _ Ash confirmed, shifting into a more comfortable position.

Eiji shifted over their stuff one by one until they had all of their stuff and Eiji’s computer in front of them. 

They had their legs crossed and a clear inch of space in between them, but for the moment, it didn’t feel awkward or wrong. 

Eiji didn’t think about it too hard. He set up the wifi on Ash’s hotspot and pirated  _ The Sixth Sense  _ successfully before he grabbed a slice of maragrita pizza.

While they waited for it load, Eiji stared at his slice.

_ “Do you think pizza can be made with alcohol?” _

_ “I don’t think so. The heat would probably set the oven on fire.” _

_ “One can hope,”  _ Eiji toasted, before taking a bit of cheese, basil and tomato.

The movie slid by, Eiji enraptured with the plot and trying to figure out what was so off. 

Ash’s finger poked his leg, Eiji glancing down at it but not commenting on it. It traveled to his hand, where his fingers wiggled in between Eiji’s. 

_ “You’re hands are greasy.” _

Ash brought their interlocked hand up and licked at his fingers, Eiji retreating in shameless disgust.

_ “Gross!”  _ Eiji laughed, not unlacing himself from their grasp.

Eiji’s hand became property of Ash, who held onto Eiji’s hand in both of his, both working around having only two hands (there was an near catastrophe with the pizza box, but apart from that, everything went smoothly).

At the end of the night, when the city was covered in Night’s cloak and the skyline sparkled like her stars, Eiji’s hand was still in Ash’s, the worn warmth worth all of the wait.

  


**____________________________________**

  
  


_ Eiji was on the porch in San Francisco, the sunset burning through his memory. _

_ He was alone, his steps echoing, a horrible sense of foreboding sinking into his stomach. _

“Ei-kun! Help!”

_ Mayumi’s voice rang from inside, and he sprinted in and up the stairs, the bedroom door’s closed. _

“Ei-kun! Help!”

“I’m coming, hold on!”

_ He willed the door to break open, and instead landed on bleeding cement. _

“Set me free.”

_ Eiji turned over, Shorter blocking out the light. _

_ Shorter’s warm body fell on top of Eiji and pushed him through the floor, something rolling off of him. _

_ He was in Ash’s bedroom, the sounds of a shower filling his brain.  _

_ He found himself unable to say anything, and his hands tied to the bedpost.  _

“It’s okay, just let it happen.”

  


**____________________________________**

  
  


Eiji woke up, his mind drowning in slippery memories and trauma. He didn’t want to sink back into those memories but he needed to sleep.

He focused his mind on something else. Someone else.

_ Ash was crying about- _

_ Ash was crying. Eiji took his face in his hands and wiped away the tears, Ash bringing Eiji’s collar down so their lips would meet. _

_ Ash lacing their hands together as they made out, Eiji laid out to Ash’s caress. _

_ Shorter- _

_ Ash wrapped around Eiji shirtless, feeling his breathe against his cheek as Eiji sank back to sleep. _

_ Mayumi on her first day of school, where she came home with her first missing tooth in hand. _

_ Aslan laughing over take out, Eiji trying to tell a joke. _

_ Ash, coiled into a ball- _

_ Ash looking up into Eiji’s face, a smile blooming across his face. _

_ Eiji holding her new unnamed sister when she was born, an unknown sense of joy bundled in her pink blanket. _

_ Ash and Eiji sitting on a bridge at night, leaned over to share their second kiss. _

_ Ash, Mayumi, Ash, Ash, Aslan, Mayumi, Ash, Aslan...Aslan… _

  


**____________________________________**

  


“I’m dropping you off and then I’ll be back,” Eiji explained, Raku rounding on him.

“Why?”

“Because I want to go out with my friends?” Eiji shrugged, a softer question to cushion against her pointed curiosity.

“When will you be back?”

“Probably seven.”

“We’re walking back in the dark?!”

“Yes,” Eiji sighed, exhausted with Raku’s mixed emotions about leaving her. “What’s so wrong with that?”

“New York is so dangerous, especially at dark!”

Eiji couldn’t control that little laugh that left his lips, Raku offended.

“You think it’s funny?”

“No, I just can’t go over the irony.”

“Irony?”

“It’s an English term. People usually use it when something said or the circumstance is actually the opposite.”

“Why is it the opposite in this case?”

“Because you talk about New York being dangerous and we’re probably in one of the more dangerous spots.”

She spun her head around in terror, Eiji putting a hand on her shoulder and her head whipping back.  
“It’s okay. I know what I’m doing. Come on.”

Raku followed closely, Eiji waving off the guards and opening the door to the safe house.

_ “We’re getting pinched on all sides from the Bratva and-” _

Eiji pushed Raku upstairs and announced his greeting loudly enough for the others to know that there were unsuspecting people here.

“Why did you do that?”

“Because it would be rude for us to listen and they’re talking about sensitive stuff.”

“How do you know?”

“I just do,” Eiji shrugged, Raku knowing a poor excuse. “I’ll go grab Alex-san.”

Eiji walked down stairs turning into the room, where Sing, Alex, Cain, and their lieutenants waited around the table.

_ “Guys, can we break this up for another night?” _

_ “What makes you-” _

_ “Fine,”  _ Alex sighed, everyone recoiling from the casual brush at important looking plans.

_ “Thanks,”  _ Eiji sighed, the gangs staring at him like the extra puzzle piece to a completed puzzle.

_ “Everyone is dismissed,”  _ Cain commanded, his crew exiting in whispers and glances and the others waiting for their orders. 

_ “You heard him,”  _ Sing ordered, everyone sweeping out and Eiji looking at the map. 

The gang territories constantly shift, but since Ash united all of the gangs against the Italian mafia, the map had become a battle front rather than a constantly crowded scrabble for territory.

_ “Will we be safe here?”  _ Eiji asked the gang leaders.

_ “We’re right here,” _ Sing pointed out, in the midst of their conglomerate.  _ “The worst someone can do is try a hit-n-run. Beside’s there’s guards here all of the time.” _

Eiji nodded his head and turned away from the map to Alex.  
_“You have a guest.”_

_ “I figured as much,”  _ Alex spoke, picking his jacket and waving off his comrades.  _ “Boys.” _

_ “Eiji,” _ Sing started,  _ “How is Ash?” _

_ “He’s getting there. We’re taking a break from romance, but he’s moving forward.” _

Sing nodded his head, his scar shining silver under the light. 

_ “How about you?”  _ Eiji addressed, vaguely motioning to his scar.

_ “Oh, I’m fine. Only needed six stitches. My record is seventeen.” _

_ “How did you get seventeen stitches?” _

_ “I fell down the stairs and hit my head...I was two, okay?” _

_ “Can’t say much,”  _ Eiji waved off.  _ “I jumped off a bookshelf and broke my arm thinking I could fly.” _

_ “That sounds like a very you thing to do,”  _ Sing smiled, his arms folded over each other. 

_ “I would love to keep talking, but Ash is waiting for me upstairs.” _

_ “Yah, go,”  _ Sing swept off.  _ “Later Eiji,”  _ Cain waved, Eiji stepping back up the stairs and hearing one more voice then expected. 

_ “I’m doing okay Alex.” _

_ “I’m sorry, we’ve never met. I’m Raku.” _

_ “Pleasure.” _

_ “I’m back!”  _ Eiji greeted, the crowd turning to Eiji.  _ “Ready to go?” _

_ “Yah,”  _ Ash greeted, walking down the stairs with no farewell. 

_ “I’ll be back by seven!” _

_ “Bye boys!” _

_   
_

**____________________________________**

  


  


Eiji and Ash took a seat at the rocky plastic table, an aroma of oil and mildew settled into everything. 

_ “Where did you hear about this place?” _

_ “Sing.” _

_ “Figures,”  _ Ash remarked, taking a sip from his thick plastic cup.  _ “He always had bad taste.” _

_ “You haven’t even tried it!”  _ Eiji exclaimed, Ash looking around.

_ “It looks decent.” _

_ “If the foods bad, we can always go somewhere else.” _

Ash shrugged, looking up at Eiji.

_ “Did you get your chemistry presentation done?”  _

_ “Not yet, thanks for the help, by the way.” _

_ “Not a problem,”  _ Ash toasted. 

Eiji and Ash fell into a pit of awkward silence before the waitress took their drink order.

_ “C-can we start over?” _

_ “What?” _

_ “This. Us,”  _ Ash waved in between.

_ “What do you mean ‘start over’?” _

_ “We start with a clean slate and move on.” _

_ “Move on? Like with different people?” _

_ “No!”  _ Ash yelled, catching the attention of the two people at the bar and the sad man at a table for one. 

_ “No, I mean...ugh, can we just pretend the last few months never happened?”  _ Ash asked, his face half grimace, half questioning. 

_ “What are we forgetting?” _

_ “Just the time when we were dating. It’s just…”  _ Ash sighed, resting his elbows on the table.  _ “I know I’m not going to be able to be the person I was. Our time together was good, but it felt too normal to be us. And if I’m being honest, I think I pushed away a lot of feelings that I still need to acknowledge, and I don’t want to let you down, but I just want a reset.” _

Eiji took a tight-lipped sip of his drink and set it down on the preexisting ring of water. 

_ “...Okay.” _

And just like that, those rose-tinted memories were never spoken of. Their fragments of a fantasy, burned into ash right between their brown and green eyes, more to add to the pile of exhausted exchanges.

Eiji imagined the pair dancing: the two-step of deflection, the cha-cha into each other’s space, the fan dances of allure--always brushing, never touching--, their one and only dip of passion. The dance floor had changed and the darkness casted their faces into sharper dichotomy of red and black, but they were the same bodies and the same tunes.

_ Maybe Ash is right,  _ Eiji thought, ripping up the straw paper. _ What we had was too normal for us. _

There was always an impending doom tipping over them--positions, people, past--, and now that Eiji thought about it, they had been doing a spectacularly awful job of pretending that anything is wrong when almost everything was wrong. They were too messed up to operate at the level they were, and for Ash’s maturity and balls to say it out loud, Eiji admired Ash more than before. 

Their plates of chicken shwarma were laid out before them, and they ate in silence, in loving memory of their forgotten months. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: references to sexual activity, references to violence, references to underage drinking, references to death and rape
> 
> I realized that no one outside of Max, Nadia maybe, and the gang knows Ash's story and understand the normalcy of violence and rape, so bringing that information to Isiah was a huge aspect that I had not thought of until I was like, "this is a thing that exist. People react to this information without context in a strong manner." In the case of Isiah, he's training to be a therapist and thus is learning to tailor his reactions and asked pertinent questions, but if it was someone else...
> 
> Yeah, Ash and Eiji are creating a health relationship! We won't see the effects until next chapter, but until then, we can be comforted in their honesty.
> 
> We zoom zooming through this arc. We're about halfway done, and there are two left after, so woop woop.
> 
> I'm questioning my gender right now and I'm under medicated so I'm this anxious genderless blob but I’m kinda obsessed with this story, I have no social life, and I live off of positive reinforcement so my writing has been more consistent. 
> 
> THANK YOU FOR THE CONSISTENT COMMENTS AND KUDOS AND AFFECTION FOR THIS STORY!
> 
> I hope you have a wonderful day or that this makes you're day a little brighter :)
> 
> (๑♡3♡๑)
> 
> ~ iijustoii


	5. lava and oil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a loathing, a shadow, a reply, a prude, two calls, a second in command, a breaking point, and some talking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whazzup neeerds!  
So, I thought I would make this nice and healthy relationship, but then I just added more angst soooo sowwii.   
AND HAPPY LEAP DAYS   
It's one of those random days that you never think about but calendars are bananas sometimes (not literally, then they would would just be delicious bananas).   
Now read!
> 
> (as usual, trigger warnings / spoilers at the bottom)

They walked back amicably, as though they had not put a wrecking ball through months of memories. 

_ “So, if we’re forgetting the time we were dating, we just don’t bring it up?” _

_ “No, I just don’t want the same expectations from you or me,”  _ Ash explained.

_ “So, what’s changing then?” _

_ “I want to be more honest with you.” _

_ “And you’re not?” _

Ash shook his head, looking into Eiji’s eyes with a fearful clarity.

_ “I know you hold a lot back too.” _

_ “I don’t!” _ Eiji peddled, caught off by Ash’s observations.

_ “You do, but I won’t fight you. I don’t know about what-” _

_ “You don’t know me!”  _ Eiji shouted, the two stopping in the middle of the sidewalk.

Eiji loathed being told how he felt, and if someone knew, he didn’t want it to be said. He wanted to live this oblivious existence where he knew he was making wrong choices and learn from them dammit. He didn’t want people like Ash or Mayumi or his parents telling him what to do or not do because they have made those choices before; he need the experience himself to learn.

_ “I-I don’ tknow you,”  _ Ash admitted, opening out his hands, “ _ but I want to learn more.” _

_ “What?” _

_ “I mean, you know an uncomfortable amount of information about me, but I know little to nothing about you. And I know that something’s wrong, but I just want to help.” _

Eiji took a step back from Ash’s gentle approach.

He had never let anyone get so close as Ash had; even when they weren’t dating and lounging around the safe house, he had opened himself up to Ash so easily, like one of those time-lapse flowers blooming--all of it happened right before your eyes, day and night flicking by and petals unfurling, spreading their soft pastels from the center. 

But somehow, Eiji wasn’t comforted in revealing himself. He was a private person as it was, but he made it his life’s work to not let his problems weigh others down. He had been doing fine, but Ash already had so much to handle that Eiji’s problems seemed inconvenient or even petty in Eiji’s eyes.

_ “I-I don’t have anything wrong.” _

_ “Eiji, stop lying!”  _ Ash yelled, grabbing by the shoulders, a green bonfire roaring in his eyes.  _ “You’re not okay and it’s okay to admit it. _

_ “You have to talk about the hard shit with someone or else you’ll bottle it up and explode. Why do you think I always tell you when something is wrong? Because if you do explode, it isn’t fair to take my emotions onto others, and because you feel totally out of control. It isn’t healthy... Eiji, you gotta talk to me.” _

Eiji looked away from Ash’s eyes, the insistent press of Ash’s delicate hands framing his body. 

_ “...Am I enough?” _

Ash sighed fondly, Eiji looking into Ash’s crackling eyes, the fire mellowed.

_ “You have always been enough. More than enough.” _

_ “Am I helping?” _

_ “Eiji, yes, you are helping so much. As of a few weeks ago, I wasn’t leaving my room. Look at me, I’m out on the street with you. I’ve been up on the roof and I just talked for Alex for the first time in almost a month. You did that.” _

_ “That was all you though,”  _ Eiji argued weakly.

_ “But I didn’t see any reason until you knocked on my door.” _

Eiji brought his eyes, looking from Ash’s arms between his shoulder to his eyes.

_ “Are you okay?” _

Ash’s arms came down, an amorphous shadow before his eyes.

_ “No.” _

A gust of wind blew between the empty street, Ash and Eiji’s hair swept side to see the depth of their eyes.

_ “...I don’t think I am either,”  _ Eiji admitted, grabbing his arms where Ash’s hand were.

When Ash weaved his arms between Eiji’s, something cracked in Eiji’s chest, like an egg hatching with something knew being born. He didn’t cry, but he pulls himself out before his eyes overflow with tears. Ash sees the shine in Eiji’s eyes and how he is trying to control his tears, but for Eiji’s grace, he doesn’t say anything. 

Ash just walked them back, hand in hand. 

**____________________________________**

Eiji thought when Ash said he wanted to start over, there would be this colossal change, like when they went from being friends with romantic tension to boyfriends.

Little changed. They continued to communicate as often as possible, kept in each other’s pocket through Snapchat games, phone calls, black video calls.

Sometimes, Ash would ask he was feeling or if he was doing okay, and Eiji would always reply with a bland  **I’m good** but Ash would always feel the need to remind him that he was here for him if he needed. Sometimes, Eiji thought nothing of it, but huddling in the cold common room after a call from his sister, he thought about replying.

But he never did. 

**____________________________________**

“So, you and Ra-san?”

Eiji almost did a spit-take, holding back milk with barely contained horror/amusement and searing his throat with cool milk.

“What gave you that idea?”

“Well, you two go off on weekends for hours, and she said she was seeing someone.”

“As much as Ra-san is beautiful, we are not in a relationship.”

The classmate raised a single eyebrow in silent curiosity.

“We’re not screwing either. If you want to know, you can ask her. She’s always happy to tell you who she’s screwing.”

“The girls did, and she said the same thing. Called you a prude.”

Eiji shrugged his shoulder and tried to play it off, but they could both tell that the comment had gotten under his skin.

Eiji was always called out for his ‘innocent’ features, as though youth equated to maturity (which it may, but Eiji had experience to challenge that idea), and it had gotten him carded more than any one of his other friends. Also, Eiji wasn’t a virgin, so how could he be a prude?

“So, if you’re not with her-”

“She in a relationship with someone else.”

“Try three more someones,” he bragged, holding up three fingers menacingly.

“Why are you telling me this?” Eiji asked incredulously, taking a bit of his eggs.

He shrugged, Eiji left uncomfortable by his proximity and his obvious desire to create drama.

“Um, I have to-”

A phone call ripped through their conversation, the song [Love Lies](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izIyhdEHSPo) singing from Eiji’s pocket.

“Excuse me,  _ give me a minute?” _

Eiji packed himself up and waved off the classmate, leaving behind whatever scandal the guy was willing to cook up.

**____________________________________**

Of all of the times to get a phone call, Eiji got one from Ash at five in the morning.

He had to dig his phone out of pile of papers and step outside before his roommate killed him, but by the time he did all of that, he missed it.

“Fuck,” Eiji silently cursed, falling into a common room chair and feeling his feet freeze off.

The dials rang between ringing silence until the sound disappeared.

_ “Ash, you okay?” _

_ “I don’t know.” _

_ “Okay, what happened?” _

_ “I don’t know, I just don’t feel good and I needed to hear you.” _

_ “Like ill?” _

_ “Sort of,”  _ Ash twisted around, Eiji trying to think through his muddled brain what  _ sort of ill  _ could mean in Ash speak.

_ “Okay, physically?” _

_ “No.” _

_ “Emotional?” _

_ “I-I don’t know.” _

_ “Mentally?” _

_ “...yah.” _

Eiji’s hands came delicately to the phone, the awareness jacked open for his mind.

_ “Maybe you should go back to sleep.” _

_ “But, I keep having nightmares.” _

_ “Well, you slept with me and said you slept pretty soundly. Do you need me to stay with you while you try to get some sleep?” _

_ “...Can you?” _

_ “Of course,”  _ Eiji cooed, settling himself in the chair.  _ “Do you want me to talk?” _

_ “Sure.” _

_ “Let me grab a few things and then I will totally talk.” _

Eiji flew up to his room to quietly change clothes and fling all manner of work into his bag, setting off for a coffee shop while Eiji read some English poems. He continued to do it until he got to the coffee shop where he ordered coffee and sat in the corner, murmur sonnets and ballads, until he had to go to class.

Eiji didn’t have the heart to end the call, and instead carried Ash around with him throughout the day, the static blaring through one earbud as Eiji continued his day, going to class and turning in papers. At one point, Eiji swore he heard a snore and almost laughed in the middle of his lecture hall, but instead weirded out some students next to him. 

It wasn’t until three in the afternoon that Eiji heard pained groaning and jostling from the other end of the call.

_ “Ash, it’s a nightmare. You’re safe, you’re okay.” _

It just continued. Eiji missed the roll call and tried to console Ash. He felt totally useless, talking into a phone when all he wanted to do was hold him tight and squeeze the demons out of Ash’s brain, until all there was left was sheep. He felt like he was talking to himself, and the sounds, gods, they haunted Eiji. 

Twenty minutes later, Ash gasped awake, breathing like he had come out from underwater.

_ “Ash, are you okay?” _

There was an eerie silence that did not put Eiji at ease.

_ “Ash? Are you still with me?” _

_ “...” _

_ “Ash, you gotta say something.” _

_ “Eiji.” _

_ “I’m here.” _

_ “I-I…” _

_ “...You don’t have to explain yourself, if you don’t want to.” _

_ “...I’m scared of myself.” _

_ “Why?” _

_ “Because my head keeps spinning all of this shit and I don’t know how to make stop it.” _

_ “Well, it’s just thoughts, right? It’s in your head, it’s what you decided to do with it that matters.” _

_ “Yah, but I can’t sleep. I can’t sleep without diving through some hellscape where everyone dies and it’s my fault or you die and I couldn’t save you or-” _

_ “-Ash…take a deep breathe. Follow me, okay. In, two, three, four. Out, two, three, four. In…Out...there you go. You’re doing great, keep it up. In...Out…You got it?” _

_ “Yah.” _

_ “Okay,”  _ Eiji sighed, getting up from his seat and looking at the time.  _ “I’m late to class but you’re welcome to join.” _

_ “That’s okay. I slept enough anyway. Thank you.” _

**____________________________________**

Eiji was walking with Isiah after a class to a study group, when he caught sight of something out of the ordinary.

Eiji saw Alex’s second in command, Isaac, sitting on steps of a visitor’s center. He seemed to loath all of the cheery students and bright sunshine, but for some reason, he was sitting in the middle of Eiji’s college campus, waiting for someone.

_ “Can you wait for me?”  _ Eiji asked, Isiah looking towards where Eiji was staring.

_ “What’s up with that guy?” _

_ “I don’t know, but I’m going to figure it out.” _

Isiah was against the idea, judgin by his reaching grabs, but Eiji pressed forward, approaching the ray of moonlight in the bright afternoon.

Isaac noticed Eiji walking up and stood to attention, dropping his cigarette on the steps and dragging it across the dirtied marble.

_ “You could have at least done that not on school property.” _

_ “You Eiji?” _

_ “What do you want?”  _ Eiji bit back.

_ “The lynx left me with this, told me not to open it.” _

Eiji took the piece of paper and saw the long scrawling on it, and folded it in his pocket.

_ “Why did he have to send you?” _

_ “He said to make sure you had it and read the message.” _

_ “Okay? Well, go about your day,”  _ Eiji waved off, the man growling and walking off.

Eiji walked back to Isiah, skimming the letter before sliding it back into his pocket.

_ “Boyfriend?” _

_ “Apparently,”  _ Eiji sighed, leaning down to read it. 

Hey, so I know we text and call a lot, but a few things that I feel need to be written out to mean more.

_ First, thank you for yesterday. I guess I was feeling needy and I’m sorry for making you late to class.  _

_ Now, to the glaring point of this letter, I wanted to let you know that I know there’s something wrong. I’m sorry to write this out, but I’ve tried every which way to ask what it is and I know, you should be comfortable with sharing it, but why you aren’t confuses me and kind of hurts me. I’m sorry for pressuring you into talking, but I am seriously worried about you and I just couldn’t stop thinking about how much pressure you have. I’m sorry to add to this, but I’m desperate (if you couldn’t tell by my letter).  _

_ Please talk. _

_ ~ Aslan _

Eiji felt awful but also slightly enraged.

_ “What?” _

Eiji handed him the letter, leaving an angry text.

**Next time, you don’t have to send a goon.**

Eiji walked away, Isiah trailing behind him reading the letter.

_ “Eiji, where are you doing?” _

_ “We’re going to the study session.” _

_ “But what about this?”  _ Isiah asked, holding up the incriminating letter as physical proof.

_ “What about it?”  _ Eiji asked, a frustration boiling over into his voice.

_ “Well, if you don’t want to talk to him, I’m happy to listen.” _

_ “I’m fine,”  _ Eiji threw off, leaving Isiah standing for a moment in stunned rejection.

_ “Eiji, if you’re boyfriend is-” _

_ “Keep your voice down!” _

_ “-then something is wrong.” _

_ “Nothing is wrong!”  _ Eiji exclaimed, wanting to get out of this conversation as quickly as possible.

_ “Look, I’m a private person. He just wants more than I can give.” _

It was as close to the truth that Eiji had come when he talked about Ash, and Eiji knew deep in his heart that those words were true. He knew that he hated opening up and that no matter how much Eiji gave, it would never amount to what Ash deserved to take back; Eiji knew deep in his heart, he wasn’t enough, even if Ash wouldn’t admit it.

_ “...We’ll talk about this later.” _

**____________________________________**

He didn’t go to Ash’s like he usually did on Saturday. He worked through his weekend and didn’t call, didn’t reply, dodged Isiah, until his mind was buzzing like an angered hornet. 

Eiji was finishing up a presentation for chemistry in his room when Mayumi’s less-than-flattering image appeared on his screen.

He didn’t pick it up, he just stared at the image, hoping with every fiber that something wasn’t wrong, but he knew that Mayumi would only call at this time if something was wrong.

_ This is it _ Eiji thought, bringing the phone to his ear.  _ The breaking point. _

“Dad’s in the hospital.”

**____________________________________**

  
  


_ “Hey  _ Ei-chan, _ what’s up?” _

_ “Ash, I’m sorry to call without warning you.” _

_ “It’s okay. What’s wrong?” _

[a broken breathe can be heard, followed by muffled erratic breathing]

_ “Eiji, are you okay?” _

_ “No, Ash, I’m not.” _

_ “What’s wrong?” _

_ “ _ ** _Everything._ ** _ Everything is falling apart around me. My father is in the hospital with a liver problems, my mother hates everyone and just wants to fuck away her problems, my sister is calling me, crying on the phone, you’re-” _

_ “Wow, Eiji, slow down. What happened?” _

_ “I’m trying to pull everything together and failing everyone.” _

_ “Eiji, you’re not failing.” _

_ “I am.” _

_ “Eiji, you’re not failing on anyone. You’re doing your best and that’s all that anyone can expect.” _

_ “But it isn’t enough!” _

_ “Eiji. You’re freaking out, and I get it feels really scary right now, but I need you to listen. You are not failing. You are not failing anyone and I’m sorry you feel like that. You probably are going through a lot but you are doing the best you can, and that’s all you can do, okay?” _

_ “...It doesn’t feel like enough.”  _

_ “It never will…” _

_ “I’m sorry.” _

_ “It’s not your fault.” _

_ “But-” _

_ “No butts. Now, how you start from the beginning?” _

_ “...I don’t want to put it on you.” _

_ “Eiji, you gotta let me in. If not me, then someone. I literally put all of my problems onto you. It’s only fair you we can share each other’s burdens, right?” _

_ “Burdens?” _

_ “The things we carry, obligations and such. That’s how relationships work, right?” _

_ “Right.” _

_ “...What do you need me to do?” _

_ “...Can you just tell me everything will be okay?” _

_ “Everything will be okay. I won’t leave you again and everything will be okay. Not great, but okay…” _

_ “...Ash?” _

_ “Yah.” _

_ “I don’t know what to do.” _

_ “That’s okay. I don’t think anyone does.” _

_ “...........Ash?” _

_ “Yah.” _

_ “Do you love me?” _

_ “...Yes. I do.” _

_ “...I love you too.” _

_ “...” _

_ “...” _

_ “I’m sorry, I’m just really emotional.” _

_ “No, it’s okay. I-I just don’t know how to follow up that.” _

_ “That’s reasonable...Thank you.” _

_ “For what?” _

_ “For handling me.” _

_ “Babe, it’s my job.” _

_ “I know, it just usually it’s me handling you.” _

_ “And that’s okay. I’m a big boy, I can handle some tears.” _

_ “Yah, you are…” _

_ “Eiji?” _

_ “Hmm?” _

_ “Do you feel comfortable talking?” _

_ “...No, but I guess have I have to explain myself. Where to start?...I think it was two years before I left for college. My sister and I were playing Go and then my father excused him and my mother. I know know why I remember but I guess it was because I was losing for the first time, and I usually won. We both knew something was wrong when their voices started rising. We heard a name, Riich-san, and then we heard our father stomp out of the house. We later found out that mom had been cheating on him. _

_ My dad was never a drinker before, but after the incident, he would always drive to the bar and drown his misery in sake. He would drive drunk or I would have to come pick him up. Hopefully, he would be passed out and I would leave him in the locked car. Some nights, he would want to be angry, and yell at me, saying it was all my fault, that I wasn’t enough to make her happy, or rant at me, pick me apart. Some nights, he would cry and say how much he wished he would make things better, that things could go back to the good old days. There was no in between… _

_ It only got worse. My mother wouldn’t even hide it at this point, and my sister and I forced to be quiet as our parents destroyed the last of their relationship. They never seperated, because at the end of the day, they needed to keep up appearances.” _

_ “...I’m really sorry Eiji.” _

_ “Now, my father will probably die.” _

_ “...” _

_ “...Ash, what am I going to do?” _

_ “Do you know how long he’ll survive?” _

_ “He’s got a year.” _

_ “Okay, I would recommend you stay here and finish this out-” _

_ “But, Ash-” _

_ “No butts, he’s not keeling over in the next two months. I know it hurts, but you have to keep moving. You still have an education to get and you already paid for all of this.” _

_ “I know, but the money-” _

_ “I’ll pay for it. I’ll get in touch about my stock from the company and pay for your dad’s medical bills.” _

_ “N-no, you don’t have to-” _

_ “Eiji, I don’t need the money. I don’t even want it. If you need it, then I’m happy to give every penny to you. I can try to make an honest living this time.” _

_ “...I-I…” _

_ “How about this? I’m not giving you a choice. I’m giving you the money, no refunds.” _

_ “...okay.” _

_ “Okay?...Do you need me to do anything else?” _

_ “No.” _

_ “Okay...do you want me to stay with you?” _

_ “Please. A thousand times please.” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: explicit language (if you consider prude explicit language, idk what it falls under), implied mental illness, unhealthy emotional handling, emotional turmoil, unfaithfulness/cheating in relationships, alcoholism
> 
> If the link didn't work, here is the song that is Eiji's ringtone:  
[Love Lies by Khalid feat. Normani ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izIyhdEHSPo)~ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izIyhdEHSPo
> 
> Okay, NOW they're having a healthy relationship. I know people were excited for Ash x Eiji healthy relationship uwu but I realized that if Eiji didn't let Ash know his feelings before, he wouldn't talk about them so easily now. Plus, he most likely never wanted to worry his sister or parents with them, he didn't have strong friendships with anyone from Japan, so he likely didn't talk to people about his problems then either and therefore, would have to grapple with this concept in a relationship with Ash. 
> 
> I also wanted to point out from here to the end of this arc, there will be a lot thrown at everyone all at once. It will feel overwhelming and scary for a while but when raw emotions are shown, there will be a lot of chaos. I'm warning now because from here on out, there will be a lot of problems explicitly brought up as everything around this story has been set up (mostly). In terms of realism, I want this story to feel like life: something is always going wrong and there is always something to mend or pay for or fix and something to always do. Especially with mature people like Ash and Eiji, who have a greater understanding of the world than most of the other characters in the story (except for maybe Isiah), they will encounter issues and have to face them together and alone and learn to grow into this healthier relationship we have set up for them to become better people. Eiji will have to learn to be enough for Ash and Ash will have to learn how to overcome is past, not let it control him, and tap into that pure emotional energy he had as Aslan.   
I don't know if I just spoiled anything or pointed out obvious facts, but yep, that's out there.
> 
> THANK YOU FOR THE CONSISTENT COMMENTS AND KUDOS AND LOVE!!!  
I want to especially thank [Akimashita](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akimashita/pseuds/Akimashita), [Vladimir11](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vladimir11/pseuds/Vladimir11), [signpainter1](https://archiveofourown.org/users/signpainter1/pseuds/signpainter1), and [websky](https://archiveofourown.org/users/websky/pseuds/websky) for their comments and support because it makes my heart glow seeing your comments and I have never met you but I love you all <333. 
> 
> Anyway, my dad found a dog on the street and I guess he's ours? And he's sleeping in my bed? So we're keeping him? Either way, doggos are the besto. 
> 
> Sweet dreams and sweeter days everyone <3
> 
> (*˘︶˘*).｡.:*♡
> 
> ~ iijustoii


	6. wildfire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An email, an aloha, a debt, a sheet, twin streams, a firing squad, a squadron, a lover.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I am a week late but since corona is a thing, I don't have school work for a week nor to go school for a month. HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP TIME!
> 
> (trigger warnings / spoilers at the bottom)

**Inheritance Stock**

**Aslan Callenresse** < ashlynx@gmail.com >

XX/XX/XXXX XX:XX

To:  **harris, john, kyle/ken, jeff, eugenie, micheal, bob**

To Whom It May Concern,

I was unfortunately pulled away from the dealings and are inquiring into the nature of my inheritance of Dino Gozline’s stock. 

Sincerely,

Aslan Callenresse

Adopted Son of Dino Gozline

  
  


**____________________________________**

  
  


“Hello Okaa-san.”

“I’m calling to check on you and Oto-san.”

“Shujin is in the hospital.”

“What? Why?”

“He got himself drunk and now he has a liver infection.”

“I-I, are you and Mayumi okay?”

“Yah, we’re okay.”

“Okay...are there any other problems that I need to know?”

“Yah, actually. We had to take your savings for college to pay the medical bills, so I don’t think you can go back to school.”

“Okaa-san, why did you tell me you were having money problems? I could use the money from the trip to pay for tuition.”

“Sorry musuko, Mayumi insisted you enjoy yourself. We didn’t think Shujin would keel over until after Mayumi went to college.”

“...Well, if you need anything, I’m here.”

“Thanks, but I think we’re okay.”

“Okay...I have to go. I love you.”

“Bye.”

  
  


**____________________________________**

  
  


**I love you**

**i love you too**

**any particular reason why you have to say this at 1am in the morning?**

**I called my mom. It wasn’t pleasant. And I know she has her own shit, but you have gone through a colossal amount of hurt and yet, you still love me.**

**i do**

**and we all desire love from our parents, but sometimes, they see us and instead, they see someone else they are trying to forget in our place**

**it’s not your fault**

**Yah, you’re right.**

**I just miss the good days.**

**let's build our own good instead**

**Let’s**

**____________________________________**

  
  


_ “Here, I brought some things,”  _ Eiji greeted, opening his backpack.  _ “I brought some jackets, because I figured you would want some, some Sour Patch Kids, and I don’t know why but nail polish? I also brought my computer in case we just want to chill.” _

_ “Hand over the Sour Patch and no one gets hurt.” _

Eiji threw over the bag and laid the jackets on the dresser, looking around Ash’s messy room.

_ “Um, is it cool if I pick up?” _

_ “Knock yourself out,”  _ Ash prompted, Eiji picking up smushed clothes. 

_ “How do you wash your clothes?”  _ Eiji asked, pulling out a white shirt stained black with blood. 

_ “Laundromat two blocks from here. I usually get Sing to bring it, but…” _

_ “Do you want me to run these things down?” _

_ “No, but maybe I’ll walk back with you.” _

_ “Really?” _

_ “I mean, I’m just waiting on an email, so why not?” _

_ “Y-you don’t have to do that.” _

_ “I want to.” _

_ “Oh, okay then…” _

Eiji finished putting all of the clothes into a pile and setting all of the books on top of each other, Ash analyzing his interactions with Eiji.

_ “Eiji.” _

_ “Yah?”  _ Eiji answered back, almost ready to jump to command.

_ “You know you don’t have to feel indebted to me, right?” _

_ “I know,”  _ Eiji sighed, sitting on Ash’s bed.  _ “I just, I don’t feel like I’m worth all of the trouble.” _

_ “Eiji,”  _ Ash reiterated, taking Eiji’s hand in his to center them.  _ “You are worth it. No matter what you think, you are worth it. No one and nothing should make you feel otherwise, even yourself.” _

Eiji looked down at their hands, gripping onto Ash’s hands and feeling their presence, their realness, their strength. He felt cradled in Ash’s hold, like a small baby in need of his mother, crying and wailing.

His vision blurred and he quickly wiped his tears away, the tear not leaving his eye. 

_ “Hey,”  _ Ash said, Eiji’s eyes coming back to him.  _ “It’s okay to cry. You don’t have to hide it.” _

Ash wrapping Eiji in a hug was his last straw. Everything broke in Eiji’s chest, and he just sobbed into Ash’s shoulder, sobbed until he couldn’t breathe, sobbed until his eyes were tired, sobbed until nothing came out: all that he could feel was his body shake. Ash rocked him back and forth, rubbing his back and taking deep breaths, Eiji making deep sighs, aware of the tears and fatigue calcified around his eyes.

“Thank you,” Eiji whispered, his use of English wearing on his mental state. 

“You are welcome.”

Eiji jumped back and saw Ash grinning in return.

_ “I’ve been learning Japanese. Pretty cool?” _

Eiji had a wild desire to kiss Ash, but instead he brought him back for a hug, taking a deep breath of his odor and hoping that it was enough to stifle the fire.

“I wish I could kiss you.”

They went silent, Eiji unsure if Ash understood. He just took a deep breath and flattened his palms against Ash’s chest, patting it lightly.

Eiji pulled away and wiped his face, returning a shaky smile. 

Ash hesitated for a moment, reaching up carefully to wipe the tears from Eiji’s face.

It felt awkward, but not a bad awkward; Eiji wasn’t used to having someone wipe his tears or just see him break down as substantially as that, nor was Ash accustomed to being the one consoling, but in the end, they chalked it up to a near success. 

Ash jumped up, saying, “let me get you a tissue,” before escaping away.

Eiji tried to wipe his nose with his wrist and spread mucus all over his nose and face, unable to breathe through his nostrils.

_ “Here, stop,” _ Ash commanded, Eiji taking a tissue with the flourish of someone who has cried enough. Ash didn’t voice any of this, but somehow, he knew.

Eiji blew his nose and cleaned up until everything was wiped away, Eiji’s rubbed pink face flushed back at Ash.

_ “What do you want to do?” _

  
  


**____________________________________**

  
  


_ “Ash, I would love to continue this, but I have to go,”  _ Eiji explained, making no movement from his position.

Eiji had proceeded to sink into Ash’s shoulder (totally on accident) and then fall asleep for the next hour. Ash didn’t bother him but changed shows to see if he was watching and found him awake thirty minutes later completely confused.

_ “Fiiiine,”  _ Ash drew out, pausing the show and moving away. Eiji’s head nodded up to down without Ash’s shoulder, seeking purchase on air and instead rolling into Ash’s spot.

_ “You are aware my butt has been there. And that I have farted recently.” _

Eiji let out some grumbles and curled back up, unphased by Ash’s comments (or just deaf, who knew). 

Ash stood for a moment and then grabbed ahold of the edge of his sheets and yanked, a ripping screech following and a jagged cut opening in Ash’s sheets.

_ “EIJI!” _

Eiji saw the rip and rolled on his back, laughter rising from his chest and Ash breathless with humor and disbelief.

_ “Geez, fine, it's your’s,”  _ Ash threw back over Eiji, who was trying to claw himself out of the ruined bedding. 

_ “I can’t believe-!”  _ Eiji cackled, unable to say words but sufficiently awake.

_ “Guess I need new sheets.” _

_ “Sheet, man,”  _ Eiji jokes, Ash giving him a deadpanned look.  _ “Come on! That was good!” _

_ “I’m sorry I told you what a pun is,”  _ Ash groaned, walking out of the room with the ripped sheet. 

Eiji grew silent, hearing something deeply disgusting from downstairs: two people moaning, one female, one male.

_ Are you fucking kidding me? _

Eiji stepped up and saw Ash halfway down the stairs, still as ice.

_ “HEY!”  _ Eiji clapped, hoping to catch the attention of Raku and Alex in the living area.  _ “No sex in public areas! Privacy!” _

Everything fell quiet, giggles heard, steps away, and a door shut.

Ash hadn’t moved since he heard it, the ripped sheet still in hand.

_ “Hey, you okay?”  _ Eiji asked, bringing himself down to Ash’s level.

Ash shook his head, his butt almost falling to the steps.

_ “Is that, is that what it’s like?”  _ Ash questioned, looking to Eiji.

_ “Well, when it’s consensual, hopefully…” _

Ash’s eyes came down to the bottom of the stairs, Eiji’s hand hovering over his shoulder.

_ Starting over. _

Eiji’s hand grasped nothing and fitted into his lap, Eiji leaned as close as possible to Ash without touching.

_ “Hey.” _

His eyes darted to Eiji, as though Ash had been sent to another moment in time.

Eiji shifted himself into place, looking back into those green depths.

_ “I want that for you. I wanted that for you, even if it wasn’t with me.” _

Ash’s eyes widened, ripping open, pouring water down his face: twin streams of pure emotion. 

Ash’s face crumpled and fitted into his face, throwing himself into Eiji’s hold. 

Eiji held Ash on those steps, the small being reduced to shambles by words alone. Not even the action themselves, but by the mere notion of security...Eiji petted his golden locks, sweeping them between.  _ This isn’t over _ Eiji thought, Aslan still so lost in the depths of Ash’s despair.

Raku walking up to the stairway, stepping into their bubble of emotions.

Ash perked up at the sound, his face still teary and quickly overtaken in alarm, his eyes racing towards Eiji.

Eiji was frozen, as though he was standing in front of his firing squad, facing death. 

Raku stood before them, deciphering all that was happening. 

“Ei-san, is everything okay?”

Eiji had never known panic, but at that moment, every single horrible scenario blared in his ears; twisted thoughts, perverted intentions, awful assumptions, all yelled at him, shamed him, grew in shadows until the light shut into darkness. In the face of his demons, he saw his own people’s faces shining back at him, wearing his complexion and mannerisms, grown from the same community, same people, same country, and yet, when judgement was struck, there was no telling who someone was loyal to: the individual or the collective. 

The entrance opened, a Hispanic gang walking through and interrupting the private moment. 

Eiji saw white socked feet disappear on the second floor, his attention darting back to Raku, who was still completely lost. 

Eiji felt himself pulled back to Ash’s care, and started to ascend the stairs.  _ “One moment,”  _ he prefaced, before following Ash’s footsteps.

He opened and closed the door in one sweep of movement, Ash sitting on his bed, looking down at the ripped sheet. 

_ “You don’t have to come if you don’t want to,”  _ Eiji offered, holding out his hand. 

Ash looked down at Eiji’s worn hands, texture driven into his hand from pole vaulting. You could tell for a moment, there was serious consideration, but then his eyes rose to Eiji’s.

_ “What do you want me to do?”  _

_ “If I said anything, you wouldn’t like my answer.” _

Ash looked back down to his hand, and instead of putting used linen in Eiji’s hand, he put his own in Eiji’s hand, their hands coming together.

_ “I don’t like it either, but I want it.” _

Eiji pulled Ash pull up, and then collected their items. Eiji put away his computer and nail polish, Ash picked up his clothes and ripped the bed sheet. The two came together at the end, their items in hands and bags, ready to set out.

  
  


**____________________________________**

  
  


Eiji and Ash walked down the stairs, Raku at the bottom.

_ “I’m sorry about that, Ash wanted to come with us. He needs to go do his laundry.” _

_ “Let me first throw this away,”  _ Ash showed, striding into the kitchen to throw away his sheet before joining back up.

_ “Let’s go!”  _ Eiji cheered, opening the door for Ash and Raku. 

_ “So Ash, Alex talks about you a lot,”  _ Raku spoke, taking calculated steps forward.

_ “Oh?” _

_ “He says you were hurt?” _ Raku questioned, Ash continuing his mechanical motion forward.

“Ra-san, I do not encourage this,” Eiji scolded, Raku turning towards Eiji but remaining silent.

_ “Yah, I was.” _

Eiji almost jumped, Raku stepping beside and circling him like a predator found its next meal.

_ “I’m sorry, is there anyway I could help?”  _ she cooed, her soft accent made softer by her understated tenderness.

“Ra-san stop! Ash isn’t interested in getting in your pants!” Eiji halted, everyone stopping on the sidewalk.

“It’s not like you care who I screw with,” Raku retorted, snark and smugness dragged through her voice.

“I do when it’s my friends.”

“Then what makes Ash so different from all of your other friends?” she asked, using her elbow to lean on his shoulder.

_ “Um, can you please get off of me?”  _

_ “I’m sorry, my friend, Eiji, and I are confused, can-” _

_ “Ra-san. No.” _

_ “-you tell us what makes you so different from all of Eiji’s friends?” _

_ “I’m-” _ Ash noticed Eiji waving him off, but that already did the damage. 

“What? Is he your best friend? Or BFF?”

Eiji’s chest was fit to burst open, but instead, his eyes went first. 

It hurt. It so much that he wanted to tell her and not feel terrified of the consequences. He was already worn thin from his dad’s condition, but this was the fucking cheery on the top of it all.

A seething breath escaped his lips, and Ash ran up to him, taking him by the shoulders.

_ “Eiji, what-” _

Eiji pushed Ash away, folding his arms into himself and walking away, Ash and Raku looking at each other for a split second.

_ “Eiji!”  _ Ash called out, running down the sidewalk to meet with Eiji’s fast steps.

_ “Get away Ash!”  _ Eiji yelled, his misery caving his chest inward.

“Ei-san!”

_ “Eiji!”  _ Ash yelled, his voice getting louder.

Eiji didn’t turn around, not even when the steps grew further and he approached the subway with no company. He sat down in the subway, concerned about the looks given by the passengers but nothing said for his splotchy face or sniffles.

**____________________________________**

  
  


Eiji arrived back to his room, his roommate out for the night (probably).

Someone knocked on his door.

“Go away.”

“I have candy.”

Eiji perked up at the voice (the frankly awful attempt at Japanese). He got up and opened the door to Ash, who was holding a plastic bag up.

_ “Can I come in?”  _ Ash asked.

Eiji noticed Raku and Isiah in the hallway as well, holding the door open for everyone else to follow through.

_ “Who do you room with?”  _ Isiah asked, sitting next to Raku. 

_ “Isa-san, or Isao. I don’t know where he is.” _

Raku shrugged at the implications, Ash handling Eiji the sweets.

_ “Sorry to bring the whole squadron to your door. We were just worried and Raku and I didn’t know where you lived.” _

_ “I figured,”  _ Eiji sighed, taking the bag and shuffling through the options.

_ “So, do you need to tell us anything?”  _ Raku asked, hands fitted between her thighs.

Eiji looked at Ash tiredly, Isiah taking note of the fatigue and utter openness of Eiji’s face.

_ “Fuck, fine,”  _ Eiji waved off, sitting himself down on his roommates bed, Ash sitting next to him.  _ “My sister called from Japan, and she said that my dad is in the hospital. Liver problems.” _

_ “Eiji, I’m sorry,”  _ Isiah comforted, unsure what to do with himself. 

_ “...Is it that bad?”  _ Raku asked.

Eiji nodded his head.  _ “He’s got a year to live.” _

An painful exhale came from the two, Ash looking from Eiji to them.

_ “That’s awful.” _

_ “It is. And I’m stuck here.” _

_ “We-we can ask to send you back?”  _ Isiah offered, Ash about to jump in before Eiji held his hand up. 

_ “As much as I would like to go back, there’s some things I need to take care of here before I go back. Besides, I paid for all of this and I have to see it through.” _

_ “Yah, but family emergencies are bad. You should be with your father,”  _ Raku explained, leaning down to her elbows.

_ “Well-,”  _ Ash started, Eiji throwing him daggers straight through the eyes. 

_ “Well, what?”  _ Isiah prompts Ash, surprisingly intimidated by an emotionally-raw Eiji.

_ “Nothing.” _

_ “That sure was a hell of a lot of something,”  _ Isiah pointed out, Ash caught between Eiji and Isiah’s blunt dealings. 

_ “Like Eiji said, he has stuff to take care of here.” _

_ “What stuff?”  _ Raku asked, Ash and Eiji shifting in their spots. 

_ “What happened between you two?” _

Ash looked at Isiah, a dawning in his eyes that Eiji feared with all of his heart and soul. 

Isiah saw them: the distance, the gravitational pull between the two, the closed body language but the obvious greedy glances. He saw it, how they liked each other but they were pretending not to, but at those words, Raku seemed to notice their uncomfortable proximity. 

“Fuck, I can’t even cry anymore,” Eiji murmured, wiping at his eyes for nothing. 

_ “It’s nothing,”  _ Ash lied, everyone rising up in frustrated half-answers and questioning events.

_ “It’s something that happened a while ago,”  _ Eiji explained, keeping it as vague and true as possible.  _ “We’re trying something different and hoping that it will all work out.” _

_ “...Did you to fuck or something?”  _ Raku finally asked, Ash turtling up with his knees pulled to his chest, feet on the bed. 

_ “...At one point, yes,”  _ Eiji explained, Ash pulling up his hood and pulling away from the situation.

_ “Ash, you okay?” _

Ash nodded his head, Eiji turning back to the two. 

_ “You can’t talk about this with anyone, not even the people in the gang.” _

_ “Gang?”  _ Raku asked, Isiah silently taking in the information.

_ “Wait, back up. So, you and Ash, this guy who was walking back with us, is your…?” _

_ “Ash, is my boyfriend,”  _ Eiji introduced, Ash peeking from his hood.

_ “I didn’t want to say anything-” _

_ “No, that was, that was okay,”  _ Eiji groaned, leaning over his knees and grabbing his hair.

_ “And the place, we’ve been going, you called those people a gang?” _

“ _ Yes, like the yakuza but less organized...at least, not in Ash’s case,”  _ Eiji explained, Raku stricken white. 

_ “Why are all of your friends in a gang?” _

_ “Because they’re leaders of the gang!”  _ Eiji exclaimed, Ash putting a hand on Eiji’s shoulder to quiet him down.

_ “What he’s trying to say is that he is also dating the boss of the bosses. In this case, that would be me.” _

_ “When Eiji said a gang leader, I didn’t think-” _

_ “You didn’t think it was some twink white boy, did you?”  _ Ash smirked, Eiji clicking his tongue at Ash.

_ “I didn’t know what to think,”  _ Isiah admitted, confounded by their pairing now more than ever. 

_ “Ash, we talked about this, Japanese people do not know what twinks are,”  _ Eiji spat, Isiah and Raku taken aback by Eiji’s harshness before they heard Ash sniggering beside him.

_ “There we go. He’s back!”  _ Ash smiled, shoving Eiji’s shoulder.

_ “Fuck off.” _

_ “See, what you may not realize is that he becomes more profane the more tired he comes.” _

_ “Gee, I'm wondering which dick I learned that from.” _

_ “And I thought we had an exclusive relationship,”  _ Ash gasped, the two watching their game of hot grenade with awe. 

_ “You still haven’t told me what it fucking means!”  _ Eiji exclaimed, Ash unwinding.

_ “It’s-” _

_ “Don’t tell him,” _ Ash held up, Isiah’s face blooming in a smile.  _ “I’m going to make him work for it.” _

_ “Sounds like fun,”  _ Raku cheered, Eiji taken aback by her casual acceptance. 

_ “No sex jokes in front of other people,”  _ Eiji scolded.

_ “I didn’t make anything sexual, this tall glass of water did.” _

_ “Um, thanks?”  _ Raku questioned, Isiah explaining it to her before she practically purred in satisfaction.

Eiji rolled his eyes, a frazzled smile rising from his lips. 

_ “You going to be okay?”  _ Ash asked, patting his knee. 

Eiji nodded his head, the group lulling into some sense of calm. 

_ “Why do you not come down?”  _ Raku asked, interest dripping from her eyelashes.

_ “I’m not on the greatest terms with people, at the moment,”  _ Ash shrugged.  _ “Plus, I figured Eiji would want to keep me and his classmates separate.” _

_ “Why?”  _ Raku asked, turning to Eiji.

_ “I’m worried how everyone will take it if I told them I was gay.” _

_ “Gay?” _

_ “It means homosexual,”  _ Isiah jumped in, Raku turning to him.  _ “Like if a man was attracted to a man and a woman was attracted to a woman.” _

_ “Oh,”  _ Raku breathed out, taking in the information and looking at Eiji.  _ “So, you like men?” _

Eiji nodded his head, letting her process the information. 

_ “I’m still me, I’ve just never felt anything for women.” _

Raku nodded her head, trying to reorder all of it into her head.

_ “If you have any questions, you can ask one of us,”  _ Isiah waved between, Ash nodding.

_ “And some people aren’t solely attracted to men or women. Some are both,”  _ Ash shrugged, Raku looking overwhelmed.

_ “We can table this for another time. You should come down Ash.” _

Ash looked at Eiji, who was sinking onto his shoulder.

_ “We have to be careful,”  _ Eiji pointed out, before letting out a yawn. 

_“Let’s plan all of this another time.”__  
_ _“I have everyone’s phone numbers,” _Eiji groaned, rubbing his eyes awake.

_ “Got it, see you guys,”  _ Raku waved off, Isiah following after.

Eiji grabbed Ash’s wrist, Ash waving them off and closing the door behind them.

Eiji let go of Ash’s wrist and rubbed his own in shame. “Sorry.  _ Sorry. _ ”

_ “No, it’s okay,”  _ Ash comforted, sitting back down. 

_ “Can I have a kiss?”  _

Ash hesitated for a moment, seeing Eiji retreat more into shame.

_ “I’m sorry, I just miss it.” _

_ “...Does it have to be on the lips?” _

Eiji shook his head, Ash taking Eiji’s face in his hands and leaning it forward to lay a delicate kiss on his forehead. 

Eiji sighed, his eyelids drooping and face relieved.

_ “Do you want to stay the night?” _

_ “Another night,”  _ Ash promised, Eiji and Ash getting up from the bed.

_ “Hey...I love you,”  _ Eiji spoke, Aslan peaking into a fond smile.

_ “I love you too.” _

Eiji’s hands shook with emotion, Ash taking ahold of them and rubbing them comfortingly.

Eiji didn’t say anything, but this was the most comforting Ash has been for him, not because he wasn’t a cold person, but because Eiji had never let much of his emotions cloud his choices. He was a logical person (with the occasional dumb occurrence) and was use to pushing his true feelings away, even with Ash. Now the Ash saw Eiji, raw and tenderized with tears and crushing societal norms, what they had felt so much more than before. 

_ Healthier _ .

Ash picked up those hands, and pressed a kiss to the top of his hand, his eyes rising up Eiji’s blushing face.

“Thank you.”

“You are welcome.”

_ “...I’m teaching you Japanese, no lover of mine can speak Japanese that horrifically.” _

_ “Lover?”  _ Ash laughed.  _ “Skipping boyfriend to lover?!” _

_ “Well, we-we did say we loved each other, right?” _

_ “Yes, we did, it’s just, usually when you call each other lovers, there’s sex involved.” _

_ “So?”  _ Eiji shrugged, Ash taking Eiji’s arms and framing them together. 

_ “So, lover,” _ Ash smirked, leaving a smashing kiss on Eiji’s cheek,  _ “I guess I will see you around.” _

_ “I guess so,”  _ Eiji tilted, a dopey smile across his lips. 

Ash’s arm came out from Eiji’s, and just like that, Eiji followed him to the door, until Ash walked down the hall and turned out of sight. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: emotional turmoil, sexual activity, confrontation
> 
> So, now everyone knows! I initially intended to introduce Ash and Raku later and create a lot of tension but then I thought that them uniting to help Eiji would be more topically in helping Eiji through his problems for this arc. And I always thought that observing Ash and Eiji from an outsider's POV (in the case, Isiah's) would be interesting, because Ash is a former gang boss who is not a person of color or that big and tattooed (as the stereotype inferiors) but a skinny white boy and Eiji seems like this pure person, but if you watch the anime, HE IS A BAD ASS MOTHERFUDGER and he doesn't take shit from Ash like everyone else will.
> 
> I DIDN'T KNOW I COULD WRITE. LIKE, THE METAPHOR OF THE RIPPED SHEET AS ASH'S TRAUMA AND HOW THEY SHARE THE BURDEN AND HOW EIJI CAUSED IT BUT ASH LEARNS TO LET IT GO. AND THEM COLLECTING THEIR SHIT AND MOVING ON TOGETHER AAEOIRBOIEBO (I'm sorry, I'm a writing nerd, please forgive me for my outburst)
> 
> So, since I have a few chapters prepared already, so I might make it bi-weekly, but we'll see, I'm not making promises. 
> 
> I finally figured out what gender is and turns out, I am nonbinary, so if you refer to me, use they/them pronouns please <3. 
> 
> Also CORONAVIRUS. I know you all probably don't want to hear more about it, but PEOPLE ARE CRAZY. STORES ARE EMPTY. PEOPLE ARE SCRAMBLING FOR TOILET PAPER(???). IT'S LIKE WE'RE PREPARING FOR A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE. I'm trapped in the house for next few weeks with my family so this may give me back some sanity. 
> 
> THANK YOU FOR A COMMENTS AND KUDOS AND LOVELY LOVE!!! <333
> 
> Take care of yourself and drink some water if you haven't today!
> 
> ೭੧(❛▿❛✿)੭೨
> 
> ~ iijustoii


	7. cracked with heat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A chronicle, some drama, some betrayal, a bathtub, a limb, a second-hand store, a point, and a lot of drinks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My friend is keeping me up so here you go, enjoy.
> 
> (trigger warnings / spoilers below)

Eiji blinked awake, his alarm blaring as he dragged himself out of the visage of sleep. He scrolled through his phone, seeing several messages from Ash on Snapchat and Instagram, a text message from Isiah, and a snapchat from Raku.

Eiji checked all of Ash’s stuff first;  **sweet dreams beautiful** shone back at him, Ash lounging on his bed with hearts freckled across the bridge of his nose and under his eyes. There was a video of him walking down the sidewalk with music blaring from his phone that made restart it again when his roommate grumbled. The rest showed him looking from one side to another, and aggressively head bopping, the words  **feelin myself** burned through the image. Ash also took a picture with a beer in hand, a statement explaining how he had found a gang party and showed up. The next picture said  **it was kinda boring ngl but i found some party hoppers who know peeps in the gang so imma chill with them** . There was a long video of pulsing lights with the words  **our song <3** against the shaky bopping of the crowd, the lyrics of no tears left to cry deciphered over the throbbing crowd. An image showed Ash propped up on his elbows, looking up to the corner, his bangs hanging over half of his face and a bland look on his face, words reading  **i gave some party hoppers my sc and they keep asking me out…** but the next showed Ash grinning happily, replying  **its okay, i told them i already had a boyfriend** , Eiji burning brightly in the face of Ash’s happiness. He saw he had some memes from Ash, which he liked and bookmarked, like the good boyfriend he was.

Isiah had left a message about a show he watched when he was stressed or sick that helped him feel better: Dear White People. He didn’t know why, but the name made him laugh and he decided to ask Ash about it. 

Raku sent him a picture of her looking up, her elbow propping up her head, her message reading  **Hey, I’m sorry about the shit I said. I realized that talking to my friends that they think I hate you, and I don’t. They keep talking about amending the situation, so I was warning you.** Eiji left a bland reply back, but he noticed a shift in Raku’s interactions, one that he hoped continued.

He put his phone away and got ready for the day, washing his face and taking a shot of allergy spray up his nose, putting on a clean shirt and pants, bundling up in a hat, gloves, and thick jacket, and grabbing his shoes on the way out.

**____________________________________**

  
  


“Ei-san, what did you do to make Ra-san hate you?”

“I don’t know, why don’t you ask her?” Eiji perplexed, completely done with the peer pressure of Eiji and Raku’s nonexistent relationship.

“Oh, you never ask the girl, that’ll only make the problem worse. Come on, think.”

“I’m not going to think because I don’t care what she thinks about me.”

“Oh, I see what you’re doing.”

“You do?” Eiji asked, completely confused with the guys snickers.

“I never thought you for the hate-sex kind of person, Okumera.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Eiji blurted out, the guys blown back by the casual cursing.

Eiji was tired of the social drama surrounding him, and frankly, he just wanted to class, eat ice cream, and cuddle with Ash, preferably in the opposite order. 

The guys were about to scold him when Raku walked by and slid next to them.

“Hey boys. Am I missing anything?”

“Nothing. I just remembered I have class. Take care Ei-san.”

They all left, murmuring and whispering like school girls dripping in gossip, which did nothing to ease Eiji.

“Thank you for saving me from them,” Eiji sighed, taking a bit of his cooled eggs.

“Is this a regular occurance?” she asked, looking back at the trickle of classmates.

“I mean, if I have time to sit down and eat, yah, some of the classmates come by, but interventions like that are becoming more often.”

“I’ll tell them to stop.”

“You don’t have to,” Eiji sighed tiredly, trying to stab a piece of egg. “It’s good for my cover story.”

“You don’t have to put up with them,” Raku concerned, leaning forward. “Look, I’ll tell them we talked and worked it out. No big deal.”

“You would do that?” Eiji asked, putting his fork down. 

“Yah, all you gotta do is ask.”

“...I would appreciate it.”

Raku smiled, but instead of displaying a cheshire grin or something more intoxicating, her lips drew a more fond curve to them: one that Eiji had never seen grace her lips.

“You should smile like that more.”

She tucked a hair behind her ear, blush tickling her face that she quickly tried to stuff back in her cheekbones.

Eiji had a thought that didn’t sit well with him; he saw the two of them observing each other. One looked at him and saw, for maybe the first time, a romantic love bloom between them--a love she had never known. The other looked back at her, before turning away and leaving her fruitless.

They both stared at each other, betrayal spread across Raku’s cheeks from Eiji’s lips.

“...I-I’m sorry, that was weird.”

She coughed away the blush, the two looking back at each other before they resumed their casual conversation, as though nothing had happened. 

**____________________________________**

  
  


_ The days after they first tried sex were cold.  _

_ Eiji saw Ash cave himself, desperately trying to support himself with Eiji’s touches, but something in his psyche had shook him to his core.  _

_ “Do you think anyone’s broken?” Ash asked one day, huddled in a cooling tub of water. _

_ “No. I think they just become badly fractured. Fractures are harder to heal than breaks and require more time, and if you push yourself, you hurt yourself more.” _

_ Ash didn’t look up from where the bathtub sloped up, Eiji running lukewarm water down his back while he sat next to the tub. _

_ “You’re not broken, Ash. You might be fractured, but you’re not broken.” _

**____________________________________**

  
  


**F R A C T U R E D**

The words stared back at Eiji from a notebook of Ash’s, peeking from under various library books.

_ “Give me a minute!”  _ Ash called, stepping into the room and pulling his socks on.

_ “Take your time, and don’t trip,”  _ Eiji added as he flopped onto the bed.

After Ash won the struggle to fit his socks and red converse on, they set out, waving farewell to the perplexed lookouts on their stoupe. They managed to hail a taxi after six tries and tumbled themselves out of the car to a hole in the wall Italian restaurant that Ash was 75% sure was a front for the Italian mafia. 

_ “But, the likelihood of someone finding out who I am is fairly small,”  _ Ash shrugged off, turning around to the ox who set them up with tables. 

Ash touched the low ceilings jokingly as they passed, brushing his fingers against the metal plating of harsh phosphorescent lights. His hand came down to pull out the creaky wooden chairs and sit himself down at the red checkered tablecloth. 

Eiji and Ash worked out how to peel the napkin clean off and keep the central paper ribbon intake so they could fold it up and make triangle footballs to flick. They lost one to an old couple in the corner and managed to keep the other one in check. 

_ “Eiji, less power and arch, more forward. That’s the third time you’ve hit the ceiling,”  _ Ash giggled, Eiji sticking out his tongue to line it up again.

He managed to flick it into Ash’s eye by some miracle, the two breathless with laughter.

_ “Are you okay?”  _ Eiji laughed, reaching behind Ash to grab their only paper football. 

_ “I’m good,”  _ Ash laughed back, rubbing his eye and blinking it open.

_ “Here, let me see.” _

Eiji came to Ash’s side and squatted down to Ash’s height, his eye looking clear of damage.

They both knew that for a moment, they were struck with a casual thunderstorm of emotions; they could see it in their eyes. Electrons jumped between their eyes, striking across their irises, producing energy that shoot through their bodies all the way to their cores.

Ash's eyes grew in alarm, and Eiji noticed.

_ “What’s wrong?”  _ Eiji asked, putting a hand on his shoulder.

He froze and looked at where Eiji connected the two as though it were a gun--a weapon instead of a limb.

_ “Hey, woh, what happened?”  _ Eiji continued to press, Ash crumbling right before his eyes. Eiji’s hand had left his shoulder and settled onto the table, where it was mere inches from Ash’s hand.

_ “Today...today isn’t a good day, I guess,”  _ Ash stated, pulling his hand away from Eiji’s.

Eiji sighed, looking at Ash as he pulled legs in front of him, pulling away from everything and everyone around him, lost in his great hurricane of trauma and touches.

_ “...I’m sorry. I wish I could make it go away.” _

_ “You can’t…” _

Eiji looked around at the dingy restaurant and saw the hungry eyes of those around them, craving conflict like it was entertainment. 

_ “Hey, I have an idea...You want to get out of here?” _

_ “But what about your mozzarella sticks?” _

_ “We can get some later. Let’s just go be random.” _

_ “Random?”  _ Ash poked up.

_ “Yah, let’s just see where the sidewalk takes us.” _

Ash stared at Eiji, trying to dissect what Eiji intended, before throwing a twenty on the table. 

_ “Sure, why the hell not?” _

They got up, left the money on the table, and set out into New York, following the crowds. They managed to take a few subways every which way before they landed in strip mall. They visited the cramped stalls of beauty products, food vendors, and second-hand stores, wandering around and keeping themselves occupied with their various finds.

_ “I think I need a wig,”  _ Eiji stated, Ash quietly following after.  _ “What would you think of me with long hair?” _

_ “You look good with any hair,”  _ Ash shrugged, clearly feeling off nor cheered up by Eiji’s antics.

Ash got some M&Ms and Eiji got Pringles to snack on as they wandered down the lines of thrift-shop clothes, the little old lady in the back watching the microwave of a TV.

The second-hand store was harshly lit and quiet, like the coroner’s office Eiji’s class had visited once. The musty colors of faded clothes hung off of the metal bars, crowding the small room in old-people’s smell and mold.

They quietly threaded through, neither speaking but needing to break the silence. 

_ “Hey.” _

Eiji turned towards Ash, who looked sheepish for some reason.

_ “Um, I’m sorry about the restaurant. I just feel really bad today and I want to be with you but I don’t want to disappoint you.” _

_ “It’s okay.” _

_ “But it’s not okay for me to keep pulling you away,”  _ Ash explained.  _ “And I’m trying to get better, even if you don’t see it, but I’m so use to not telling anyone what’s wrong.” _

_ “I understand how you feel,”  _ Eiji admitted.

_ “I just want to be okay.” _

Eiji looked at Ash’s hurt expression, a deeply etched pain trickling down his brow across his nose. 

Eiji didn’t know what happened or how it affected him, but he knew that Ash was trying to bounce back. He had phone calls at ridiculous times, tears through static, scattered touches and timid approaches; he was still fractured. 

Eiji held up his pointer finger, Ash connecting them with his own pointer finger. 

_ “You’re going to be okay,”  _ Eiji assured.  _ “You are okay now.” _

Ash looked down at their fingers and back at Eiji. 

Ash’s finger came away.

_ “Thank you.” _

_ “Anytime,”  _ Eiji smiled, waving him down.  _ “Come on, let’s try some things on.” _

**____________________________________**

  
  


**Where are you?**

**OH SHOOT**

**I’M OUT RIGHT NOW**

**Can you ask Alex to take you back?**

**Sure**

**Thank you! Sorry about that.**

**It’s cool**

**____________________________________**

  
  


All Eiji knew was that two drinks turned into too many, and that they somehow maneuvered home. He didn’t remember how his knees skinned or why he and Ash had drunk texted each other (they suspected it was natural) but he definitely remembered the morning after and how much shifted around around them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: reference to sexual trauma, affects of sexual trauma, improper handling of emotions
> 
> CLIFFHANGER TIME  
I know, this is weird, I'm actually writing one, but please, REMAIN CALM. Everything will be explained next chapter, which has already been written. 
> 
> Also, if you haven't noticed, they will address how Ash handles his trauma because the poor dude was having a bad day and turned to alcohol to escape his problems and we'll just have to see how they handle it.
> 
> I'm sorry, I don't have much to write this time, I'm so tired and my brain needs the sweet release of sleep. 
> 
> BUT THANK YOU FOR THE COMMENTS AND KUDOS AND LOVE!!!!!
> 
> Please take care of yourself and I hope this leaves you excited for what is to come!
> 
> (´∀｀)♡
> 
> ~ iijustoii


	8. smokin' hot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A one night stand with your boyfriend?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is a short chapter, but very juicy.  
Please enjoy <3
> 
> (trigger warnings / spoilers are bottom)

Eiji felt the pressure of a body and thought he must be dreaming.

Until the light looked darker than usual, and he bolted up.

_ Me. Ash. We got home...the door, my pants? _

“Fuck fuck fuck,” Eiji cursed, throwing back Ash’s sheets to reveal his bare lower body. 

He felt sticky, and looked at the peacefully sleeping Ash.

_ Oh fuck. _

Eiji brought his hands to his hair, ripping it to the point that he thought his scalp would come right off of his head. The pain centered him, and ordered what he needed to do to fix this. 

_ I need to leave.  _

Ash smacked his lips, then froze in his place, the tension felt in the shift of the mattress.

Before Eiji could speak, Ash flipped over and put his knife to Eiji’s throat, Eiji’s hands thrown back in surrender. 

_ “Ash, calm down, it’s me.” _

Ash took a few breathes for his eyes to focus, before looking from the knife tipped to Eiji’s jugular up to his face.

Ash groaned and sat back, gagging on something that sent him rushing away off of Eiji.

He heard Ash throw up, swallowing down the bile that rose up from his stomach. 

His head pulsed with his heartbeat and his mouth felt tacky, barely awake to deal with whatever they had hurled themselves into.

He sat up slowly without throwing up and saw Ash leaned over the edge of the bed, flopping back down to bed with his back to Eiji.

Eiji reached out to touch him before letting him catch his breath, his pants audible over the panic pumping through their hearts.

_ “Did we-“ _

_ “I think so.” _

_ “Do you remember?” _

_ “...” _

Ash flipped around, facing Eiji, his back curved to hide everything else that Eiji had already seen.

_ “Did you put something in my drink?” _

_ “No! Why would I?! I didn’t mean for this to happen!” _

_ “Then what happened?!” _

_ “We got drunk, apparently” _

Ash’s eyes came down to their rumpled sheets, a soft, unmolded look in his face.

_ “I’m so sorry,” Eiji plead. “I honestly didn’t mean to do this.” _

Ash’s dead eyes came to Eiji’s before slowly sinking back down.

Eiji tried to remember what he did last night. Not much came back to him, just a lot of flashes from a street, Ash and Eiji using each other to walk, and a warm hand on his bare thigh.

He inspected his body and found his knees bloodied but cleaned and the distinct smell of cum and their body odors choking the air around them.

_ “What do you remember?”  _

_ “We...we stumbled around. You...you kissed me, and I kissed you back. I pulled us into an alley and was about to suck you off, but you said to wait till we get home. I think you picked me up and fell. I don’t know, everything after is foggy.” _

_ “Did we use a condom?”  _ Eiji asked, Ash nuzzling over the bed to look around.

_ “Doesn’t look like it.” _

Eiji sank in between his legs, his head between his bent knees.

_ Think. _

_ “Wait did we…? Because, I don’t feel sore.” _

Eiji turned his ass around, dried cum felt between his butt cheeks.

_ “Guess who officially got some dick,”  _ Eiji smiled.

_ “I’m serious Eiji!” _

_ “I’m sorry...I think, you topped,”  _ Eiji admitted stepping up and feeling his asshole burn. “That doesn’t feel good.”

_ “I did?” _

_ “Yep, I feel it I think,”  _ Eiji groaned, sitting himself back down.  _ “Guess we didn’t stretch.” _

_ “Guess we didn’t…” _

Eiji turned to Ash, who wore a perplexed expression on his face. 

_ “What are you confused about?” _

_ “How, why would you let me top?” _

_ “...Because you’re my lover?”  _ Eiji answered, unsure if that was the correct word to use in this circumstance. 

Ash remained silent.

_ “...Ash, I love you. You love me. It’s not like we haven’t done this before.” _

_ “...” _

_ “Ash…………..Aslan?” _

Ash startled at the name, looking at Eiji.

Eiji never called Ash Aslan, but he felt like he need a moment to talk to Aslan, buried under all of that ash and other exhausted relations. 

_ “I’m sorry.” _

Ash sat up, covering his legs and looking at Eiji.

Eiji felt scrutinized under Ash’s eye. He never worried about he looked, until Ash saw him naked--splaid out for every nerve and every vein to be caressed and choked.

_ “God, you’re beautiful.” _

_ “You too.” _

Ash sighed, dropping his shoulders and drawing himself closer to Eiji.

Eiji opened his arms and let Ash lay against his chest, brushing his hair with his fingers.

_ “We’ll get through this.” _

Ash nodded his head, sniffles and shaky breathes audible.

_ “You’re okay. We’re safe. No one is hurt. You did nothing wrong.” _

They sat there for a moment in the bed, wrapped up around each other and continuing to soak in their magnetic comfort, the sureness of their bodies, so real and physical and strong around each other but so soft and lean. 

_ “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for this to happen to you.” _

_ “It’s okay,”  _ Ash answered, sniffling.  _ “It wasn’t your fault either.” _

Eiji gripped onto Ash tighter, his heart struggling to beat against the tension in his body. Tears burned through his eyes, his nose filling with mucus that he breathed in.

_ “Hey,”  _ Ash cooed, turning back to Eiji’s face.

_ “I’m sorry,”  _ Eiji cried, covering his face.  _ “I’m sorry, this isn’t about me.” _

_ “What’s wrong?”  _ Ash asked, peeling away Eiji’s hands from his face, leaving him exposed. 

_ “...I miss this. I miss us holding each other and you kissing me and now we have pretend like none of this happened, again.” _

Ash let go of Eiji’s hands, their reality sinking them deeper in. 

_ “...I’m sorry.” _

_ “It isn’t your fault,”  _ Eiji promised, swiping his hair away from his face.  _ “I respect you, and I will only do whatever your comfortable, I just miss, this,”  _ Eiji continued, Ash laying his head down on Eiji’s chest, right above his heart. 

_ “...I understand. I get it sometimes. Just, not recently.” _

They were quiet, both trying to grasp onto what they had lost. 

_ “I know,”  _ Eiji finally answered.  _ “I think I know what happened, and I’m sorry. I don’t think I could understand how much pain you must be in and after all that you’ve gone through, to sit here with me…” _

Ash pushed himself up, looking down at Eiji.

_ “It’s not your fault,”  _ Ash reiterated, putting his hand to Eiji’s cheek, the very motion making them tear up.  _ “It’s not. Everything you do, everything you did, it never hurt. It helped. And, I don’t think I could repay you for what you’ve given me.” _

Eiji wiped his eyes, trying to not let his tears take up the moment. 

_ “Eiji, you gave me something worth giving to. You are that something.” _

_ “I can’t be,”  _ Eiji wiped his nose.  _ “There has to be something else.” _

_ “Nothing has,”  _ Ash admitted sadly, using his thumb to wipe away Eiji’s tears.  _ “Not Dino, not my father, maybe my brother, but everything else...it was never worth sacrificing for. I just thought it was for a long time.” _

Eiji looked into Ash’s piercing green eyes, the same color of fresh leaves or dewy grass in the morning. 

Ash’s eyes fell to the bed, the hand leaving his cheek. 

_ “I...the guy that invited me to dinner...he raped me.” _

_ “Ash,”  _ Eiji concerned, sitting up to Ash’s level.

_ “It was bad,”  _ Ash agreeded, nodding his head.  _ “But I’m here still. And I still have you.” _

Eiji had never felt worth much, but at that moment, he felt precious. He felt like a family heirloom or a work of art--worth so much more to the beholder. He knew that for a real period of time, he was prized, held to a price more than he could fathom, because Ash was saying those words. 

Eiji put his hand to Ash’s cheek, the warmth and curve too real under his fingertips. 

They stared at each other, touching their souls through eye contact. 

Until Ash pulled back, separating themselves.

_ “Um,” _ Ash started, bring his eyes back down to the bed.  _ “Start over?” _

Eiji nodded his head, looking into Ash’s face.  _ “Sure, but this is it. I love you, but we can’t keep wiping away every bad thing that happens.” _

_ “I know,”  _ Ash sighed.  _ “I just wanted this to be a normal relationship.” _

_ “This is never going to be a normal relationship,”  _ Eiji snorted, Ash looking into his lover’s humored face. 

_ “But that’s what I love about it. It’s real. What I feel for you is real, and what you feel for me is real, and everything around us is so real it hurts. But that’s what makes it worth the while.” _

Ash smiled, Eiji trading it back with a full-hearted reflection. 

_ “We good?” _

_ “Yah, we good.” _

Ash sighed, looking back at Eiji.

_ “We’re so bad at this.” _

_ “Tell me about it.” _

Ash curled back to bed, the sheet pulled over his body. 

_ “We’re starting over once you leave.” _

_ “Well, I’m leaving now,”  _ Eiji started, turning around slowly and trying to get all of his clothes without throwing up. “I need some water.”

_ “I can’t hear you over my hangover,”  _ Ash moaned, Eiji laughing and wincing in one feeling.

_ “I feel that,” _ Eiji groaned, pulling on his briefs and his shirt back on.

_ “Hey.” _

Eiji looked back at Ash, who’s face poked out from under his sheets. 

_ “I love you.” _

_ “I love you too.” _

They paused for a moment, drenched in reassurance, before Eiji turned back to finish putting on his clothes.

_ “I should get going.” _

Ash nodded his head, Eiji sitting back down on the edge of the bed and looking down at his hand.

_ “I’m sorry about what happened to you. I know it wasn’t my fault, but I feel the need to apologize for the rest of the world.” _

Ash nodded his head, holding up his pointer finger.

_ “Thank you.” _

Eiji connected their pointer fingers for a singing moment, before the presence was gone. 

Eiji looked from Ash’s face, his collarbones, his bare chest, to the floor, pushing off of the bed and walking across the room to the door. He looked back at Ash, watching him leave, watching him close the door to his bedroom, leaving. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: implied nonconsensual sexual activity, a lil blood, reference to rape
> 
> Please keep in mind that drunkenness does not give you consent, so these guys were in a red light. 
> 
> A little peak in character's mind: Eiji feels bad about what he thinks is 'forcing himself onto Ash' (when it was ironically the opposite) especially after the day before, when something as simple as touching made Ash terrified. Ash knows he has desires and that they would come out, but he has to face how to handle what happened himself.
> 
> I wrote this out of desire to have more conflict and then I thought, drunk Ash and Eiji having sex, because what it not more expected and unexpected as that, especially with what other conflicts they will face. In addition, this also opened the door for Ash to bring up what happened without feeling copped out or drawn out of him.
> 
> I know this chapter is shorter, but it didn't feel right tacking it on at the end of last chapter, especially in terms of formatting and power (when I say power, I mean emotional power). So I made an executive order and made this it's own chapter.
> 
> THANK YOU FOR THE COMMENTS AND LOVE AND KUDOS AND SUPPORT!!!!! <3333  
You are all amazing people! It makes me so happy to see people loving my work because I love it as well and I want others to enjoy what I write, just like I do!
> 
> Wash your hands, treat yourself to something sweet, and take care and love yourself <3
> 
> (ી(΄◞ิ౪◟ิ‵)ʃ)♥
> 
> ~ iijustoii


	9. simmering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the jagged path of life steepens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's up fellow quarantine affected folk!  
Sorry I have been away so long, I need to rekindle the motivation (hahaha, get it, because there's a bunch of fire metaphors to this story...)  
NOW ENJOY *throws words at face*
> 
> (trigger warnings / spoilers at bottom)

Eiji followed Isiah to a barbershop his family owned. Everyone inside was African America and looked at Eiji meanly, but he had been in other’s territory before without much objection, so he continued to the back. 

_ “It’s not much,”  _ Isiah invited, spreading out his arms as if to hug the air.  _ “But it’s home.” _

The room was the size of a shed, but it seemed to pack in all of Isiah that there was, with it’s chalkboard black walls, beaded crafts, and sun-stained pictures. Oddly colored stars were stuck to the ceiling and the curtains were covered in a busy-looking fabric. 

_ “My father was African, but my mother was African America. He moved here for a job, and they got married. Pretty mundane, I know.” _

Eiji looked to the boy perched on the edge of his bed, wisdom in his eyes. That was Isiah, an question and answer encased in skin and blood--complete. 

_ “What is that?” _

_ “It’s a snow globe,”  _ Isiah pointed out, Eiji picking it up delicately with his hands.  _ “It’s a weird American object. Like a souvenir.” _

Eiji nodded his head, looking down the pictures of happy mother and father with two children. 

_ “You have a brother?” _

_ “Had.” _

_ “Oh, I’m sorry.” _

_ “It’s okay.” _

_ “What happened to him?” _

Isiah went silent for a while, his face creasing under the stress of his mind. 

_ “...Hit-n-run.” _

_ “I-I’m sorry.” _

Isiah waved him off, looking up at Eiji. 

_ “What about you, got any siblings?” _

_ “Yah, a sister.” _

_ “What’s she like?” _

_ “She’s smart, and annoying. She’s super thoughtful and kind of quiet, but she’s a good person.” _

Isiah nodded his head, satisfied with the answer it seemed.

_ “So, is it okay if I ask why you wanted to talk away from school?” _

_ “Um, I’m having, boy problems I guess,”  _ Eiji confessed, Isiah tilting his head in intrigue.

_ “Of what kind?” _

_ “Of the drunk intentions kind.” _

_ “What happened?” _

Eiji groaned at the memory, the embarrassment flaring across his cheeks. 

_ “That bad?” _

_ “More than you could think.” _

_ “Well, what happened?” _

_ “...It’s not my story to tell, but we basically did something that we weren’t suppose to do.” _

_ “...Eiji, I like you, and I am all for you and Ash, but I need more information.” _

_ “Do you remember how I said we were starting over? Well, we got drunk and stepped out of line and it freaked Ash out but...I miss what we use to have.” _

_ “Why?” _

_ “Because we were so close back then, and now...now, I can barely get close to him.” _

_ “Physically?” _

Eiji blushed at the implications, damning his tender heart.  _ “Yes.” _

_ “Well, why don’t you ask for more?” _

_ “Because it isn’t my place. He...he’s going through something and I have to respect his wishes but I don’t know how to stop these feelings.” _

_ “You don’t have to,”  _ Isiah shrugged.  _ “You can still feel this desire and not let it get in the middle of your relationship. It’s all a matter of what you two are both comfortable, and it sounds like you want him, but he doesn’t want you.” _

_ “...Is that a bad thing?” _

_ “No. Some people don’t need physical reassurance, and I’m guessing you are the type of person that needs physical contact to feel assured of how someone feels.” _

_ “That’s true...thank you.” _

_ “It’s not a problem. I’m happy to help.” _

**____________________________________**

  
  


_ Eiji flipped over, blinking open his eyes.  _

_ Ash’s sleeping face smiled, peaking open. _

_ “I’m cold,” Ash moaned, burrowing closer to Eiji. _

_ “You are cold,” Eiji wiggled, situating himself in Ash’s grasp to keep him warm. _

_ For a moment, Eiji sat in the chilly silence, listening to Ash’s quiet breathing and feeling his heart throb in his chest.  _

_ “This is nice.” _

**____________________________________**

  
  


Eiji and Ash were on a call when Mayumi’s face rung in. 

_ “It’s my sister. Can I call you back?” _

_ “Sure.” _

Eiji quickly switched the calls, the static louder through Eiji’s earbuds. 

“Mayu-chan, everything okay?”

“...”

“Mayu-chan? Are you okay?”

“I don’t know.”

“Okay, what do you need me to do?”

“Can you talk?”

“Sure, um, let me think...Oh, I had this weird dream. I was sleeping on a bed of flower and I woke up, but my teacher told me go back to bed and if I didn’t, I would fail the test. I saw some of my classmates sitting in the grass as well, but I couldn’t lay down because my feet were stuck. I woke up after that, so I don’t know how the dream ended. Um, what else?...I went to a mythical American thrift store. It smelled bad and there were some interesting looking clothes, but my friend and I went there and we ended up not buying anything...Oh, I bought you some stickers for your computer. There was a Stitch one and a Sailor Moon t-shirt that I found, but I didn’t have enought cash to buy the shirt so I just got the sticker...Is this helping?”

“Yah, thank you.”

“Do you need me to continue?”

“Yes please.”

Eiji continued rambling on, going onto stories and poems and lyrics until Mayumi finally spoke an hour later, feeling better.

“Thank you, my head just felt too empty.”

“It’s okay. I’m glad you reached out.”

“I’m going to go to sleep, if it’s okay.”

“That’s perfectly fine. Drink water and eat some food, and sleep well.”

“You too.”

The call ended, Eiji looking down at the time. 

**11:38 am**

Eiji ended up calling Ash, hoping that he was still up. 

_ “Hello?” _

_ “Hey.” _

_ “I’m sorry I was gone for so long.” _

_ “It’s cool. What took so long?” _

_ “...Some math question.” _

_ “Okay. Do you still want to watch your show?” _

_ “Sure. I’ll finish my homework in the morning.” _

Eiji and Ash watched Cowboy Bebop on their favorite shared streaming website, Eiji hoping to loosen the knot in his head.

He loved his sister, but he hated not telling Ash what was going on. Mayumi rarely talked about it with other people outside of Eiji and a friend of hers, but it didn’t feel right for Eiji to tell Ash about Mayumi’s struggles when her sister didn’t know that Ash knew, just like when Isiah asked what was wrong with physical intimacy with Ash and Eiji couldn’t answer. 

Ash didn’t seem bothered by Eiji’s loyalty, but Eiji had an inkling that Ash was annoyed that he wasn’t privy to all of Eiji’s life even though Eiji knew all of Ash’s life.

_ Isn’t there an American phrase that goes ‘baby steps’? That’s what we’re doing, taking baby steps.  _

**____________________________________**

  
  


**Redfish**

**____________________________________**

  
  


“Okaa-san, have you seen Mayu-chan? She sent me a weird message.”

“Oh, she’s at school. Why?”

“I’m worried about her.”

“Well, how about you call her?”

“I did, but she didn’t pick up. Can you check with the school and see if something is wrong?”

“I’ll see her in an hour. Oh, it’s the school. Let me take this.”

Eiji watched his phone for the rest of the night, waiting for someone to call back. 

His sister had set up a system of messages if she ever needed help. Eiji would usually run from classes to her, but being away in college had required him to use his mother as the middle woman in their affair to take care of Mayumi.

‘Redfish’ meant she needed medical attention.

He had ignored the messages from Ash and Isiah and instead paced around his empty dorm room, building himself up for whatever diagnosis that doctor gave them. 

His mother’s phone number rang up, Eiji darting to the phone. 

“Okaa-san what happened? How is Mayumi?”

“She’s fine. She just passed out during her physical. They said she hadn’t eaten enough.”

“C-can I talk to her?”

“Sure.”

An low exchange occurred beyond the phone’s receiver, the shuffle of something against the microphone. 

“Hello?”

“Hey Mayu-chan.”

“Hi.”

“Are you feeling okay?”

“I’m feeling better. I had some disgusting hospital food and their shooting me up with vitamins so I’m feeling like I’m on drugs.”

“You probably are on drugs. So, not eating enough?”

“I don’t feel like talking about it.”

“That’s okay. Later than.”

“Later, promise.”

“Okay, get some rest, eat some candy or something sweet. It’ll make you feel better.”

“Got it. Bye.”

**____________________________________**

  
  


**Want to go somewhere?**

**don’t you have a test tomorrow?**

**Please**

**I need you.**

**fine. meet you on the edge of campus in twenty**

**____________________________________**

  
  


Ash and Eiji walked away from the college campus into the city, the towering buildings and long blocks stretching into sidewalk and streets. 

_ “You okay?” _

Eiji shrugged, tired from his worrying. 

_ “I just needed a minute.” _

_ “From?” _

_ “Life.” _

Ash nodded his head, staring ahead. 

They kept walking for a while silently, until Ash pulled out his earbuds.

_ “Want to listen?” _

_ “Sure.” _

Ash handed an earbud to Eiji, the two walking close to keep the earbud in their ear. 

[ Music ](https://open.spotify.com/track/3GCdLUSnKSMJhs4Tj6CV3s?si=CiYAXDXwStOhDPpUQNSixQ) sung from his left ear, Ash pretending that there was silence between them where there was actually sound. 

They continued walking into the night, close but not together, close but not shut out, close…

**____________________________________**

  
  


**Are you all free this Saturday?**

**i am**

**I am free.**

**Nothing going on here. **

**Do you all want to get together?**

**YES**

**I NEED A BREAK FROM MY PSYCH PROJECT**

**There are no parties anyway. **

**What are you thinking?**

**Dinner?**

**sounds like fun**

**can we go to that new loft place they just built? **

**You mean Hammock?**

**yes **

**their food looks really good**

**Hammock seem fun!**

**I’m cool with whatever. **

**let’s go then**

**what time?**

**6?**

**6 works. see yall then**

**____________________________________**

  
  


Eiji, Raku and Isiah found Hammock easily, the cozy purple restaurant hung above the sparkling city. 

Ash waved his hand, the crowd sitting down on the comfy couches, a parcel of crackers peeled open. 

_ “Hey babe,”  _ Ash smiled, Eiji sliding next to him onto the same chair.

Raku and Isiah took the seats across from them, perusing the menu and ohhing at the selection. 

Ash touched their pointer fingers together in greeting, Ash working on weaving his fingers through Eiji’s while they were sitting. 

_ “I already ordered some shrimp. I hope you all don’t mind.” _

_ “Not at all,”  _ Isiah affirmed, putting the menu.  _ “How are you doing?” _

Ash shrugged, the question never answered but somehow better than the last time they saw each other. 

Eiji held Ash’s hand with both of his, feeling like an insecure child holding onto his mother’s hand through a sweeping crowd. Raku noticed, and a small glance to Eiji’s eyes shot him through with guilt.

_ “Did they ever get back to you?”  _ Eiji asked, Ash picking up on the subject of the ‘they’. 

_ “Yah. They said they needed to redeal the money back up, and then, we’re home free.” _

_ “From what?”  _ Raku asked.

_ “The gang.” _

_ “You’re giving it up?”  _ Isiah asked, scrutiny dripping from his brow.  _ “Why?” _

_ “Because I’m tired of the power struggles,”  _ Ash sighed.  _ “And now, I have something to live for.” _

Ash’s eyes pierced Eiji’s wit, leaving him a blushing mute, who looked at his friends’ fond smiles and smiled behind his red-light cheeks. 

The food came and they all ate, Eiji and Ash eating again with only one hand. 

At some point, something shivered down Ash’s body and his hand left Eiji’s grasp seamlessly, as thought it didn’t matter. 

_ Isiah was right. I need physical reassurance.  _

Eiji looked at Ash, who calmly took a shrimp and smiled at Raku’s conversation.

_ Too calm. _

** _Something is wrong._ **

Eiji looked around the restaurant frantically until he saw a round businessman staring into Ash’s head. 

_ “Eiji, is something wrong?” _

Eiji wiped back from the man to Isiah.

_ “Nope, sorry, it’s just to so pretty here.” _

_ “It really is,”  _ Raku complimented, pointing out the light fixtures and service.

At some point, Eiji looked at Ash, who gave him a stoic expression.

They continued their meal, Isiah suspicious and Raku basking in platonic bliss, Eiji on edge and Ash calm as an unraveled cucumber. 

_ “I need to go to the bathroom,”  _ Eiji excused, heading to the bathroom for a reprieve. 

He went to the bathroom, washed his hands, and then splashed water in his face. He ended up getting some hair of his wet, and dried it off before taking a deep breathe back into the restaurant. 

The businessman hadn’t approached Ash yet, but he burned a hole in the back of his head. 

Eiji passed by quietly, pulling his arm over Ash’s shoulder protectively. 

_ “What did I miss?” _

**____________________________________**

  
  


_ “Did you ever want another sibling?” Eiji asked one day, slumped together in their boxers. “Like another full sibling?” _

_ “Maybe,” Ash pondered, staring up in the ceiling. “Maybe then, I would have stayed…but then I would have never met you.” _

_ “...I mean that much to you?” Eiji astounded, Ash turning from the ceiling to Eiji’s face. _

_ “Eiji, you are the meaning to my life. You are the reason I keep living, because you are here, alive.” _

_ “That seems awfully drastic.” _

_ “It’s not drastic enough, if you ask me.” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: reference to depressive episode, reference to depression, unsolicited actions
> 
> THE CLIMAX TO THIS ARC IS COMING! CAN YOU FEEL IT!  
But seriously next chapter is going to be a bitch, and I just want yall emotionally ready to handle it because I am not. I'm not going to say anything else because I need to leave a little surprise, so SHHH!
> 
> I have written over 250 pages for this story and if you don't call that dedication, I don't know what it is. 
> 
> I told an IRL friend that I write fanfic because it's weird to talk about if you aren't into it and it's astronomically impossible to find those people in real life but she was cool with it and I happy because acceptance :)
> 
> I have become one with my bed. That is all you need to know about how I am handling the quarantine.
> 
> THANK YOU FOR THE LOVE AND SUPPORT!! AND COMMENTS AND KUDOS AND HITS!  
GUYS, WE ALMOST HAVE 1000 HITS ON THIS STORY (AND NO, I DID NOT OPEN THIS STORY A THOUSAND TIMES, THAT WOULD BE WEIRDLY EGOTISTICAL)
> 
> Treat yo self
> 
> ( ̧⸝⸝⍢⸝⸝)ི Շᐱෆ
> 
> ~ iijustoii


	10. third degree burns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the light reveals all

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this fic is becoming explicit because of this chapter and the one's going forward. That being said, please be aware of the trigger warnings because this will be hard. 
> 
> It's Brittney bitch. *plays Toxic by Brittney Spears*  
I'm back from the dead to deliver the heart-aching climax to this arc. I apologize for my absence, but I hit a creative rut and feel out of interest with writing stories.
> 
> (trigger warnings below)

Eiji had thought that he wouldn’t be able to get away, but when the teacher’s wife went into the hospital, they got the day off before their test. While the class wished his wife the best of luck, they were thankful for those two extra days to study.

For Eiji, he could go see Ash.

Raku decided to stay and go to a fraternity party, but still wished him a good time as he scampered off towards a convenience store.

He went through the aisles of short stands: grated metal with baskets and hooks latched on. Eiji decided to take a Twinkie, a Zebra Cake, a Milky Way, and two Cokes. The man behind the counter gave him an odd look but took his money and thanked him for his purchase.

The guards in the area didn’t need to ask who he was; they just stepped aside and nodded to Eiji, who nodded back in turn.  _ I should get them something as well. _

Eiji stepped up the stairs towards Ash’s room, the place deadly silent. He felt the need to be quiet as well, in respect to the atmosphere of the complex. He knew that he would never be able to sneak up on Ash, but he still felt that calm adrenaline from a true scheme, that sense of collected purpose that you knew would never fail you. 

He padded up door, and knew to grab the handle in one solid movement, and open the door.

“Surprise!” 

Ash was sitting on the bed, but unlike Eiji, he was not as happy.

Actually, he looked terrified. 

Before Eiji could ask what was wrong, he saw it.

Slashes. 

Angry, red slashes, all along the inside of Ash’s thighs. An-and there were so many. Too many to be an accident. 

_ Oh my gods. _

“Ash-”

“GET OUT OF MY ROOM!”

Eiji ran out before something hard knocked against the door, leaving Eiji on the other side of the door and Ash shut in his room. 

_ Right back to where we started. _

Eiji thought he had walked into a nightmare. Since America, Eiji has been having more nightmares, framed around his own death and almost getting raped by Dino, but then he’s had ones of Ash. Ash jumping in front of a bullet for him and dying in his arms. Ash hovering over him, getting stabbed while protecting him from someone. Ash choosing to kill himself over Eiji. 

(Those are by far the worst)

So seeing Ash baring cuts, cuts that Eiji can infer were Ash’s doing, set Eiji into this state of disbelief. He felt like he was hovering in that area of existence where reality and dream clash, seeping into one another. 

Eiji just tries to keep his tears quiet, feeling like he was getting shot in the gut every time he heard Ash wailing from the other side of the door. 

_ What the fuck am I doing on this side of the door? _ Eiji finally thinks, hearing Ash scramble across the floor.

He quietly opens the door and see Ash cowering on the ground in a pill of sobbing limbs, his body trembling. 

The scratches are still visible with his boxers pulled up. 

Eiji noticed a few band aids.

Eiji was desperate for something to hold onto, and in that moment, Ash was his only reassurance. That Ash wouldn’t hurt himself this badly again or that Eiji could help or Ash wouldn’t-

Eiji’s threw his hand over his mouth to contain the sound that ripped out of his throat.

Eiji needed to know that Ash wouldn’t kill himself.

_ “Ash.” _

It was so quiet, so heartbroken and tiny but somehow impossibly large and desperate. Desperate for answer, questions, reassurances, words, breathes, heartbeats, all of it. 

Ash didn’t hear him. He was still knotted up in his own limbs, twisted like a pretzel around himself, trying to protect himself or squeeze himself into a black hole. He just kept rambling, saying,  _ “I’m sorry, I love you, please don’t leave me, I’ll be better, please, I love you, come back-” _

_ “Ash.” _

Ash looked up between his fingers, seeing Eiji’s shape towering over him through burning tears.

_ “I need help.” _

Eiji sat on the floor, hovering just around Ash.

_ “May I?” _

Ash nodded his head, Eiji propping him and feeling Ash latch onto him.

_ “It’s going to be okay,”  _ Eiji choked up, tears falling into Ash’s hair. 

Ash laid his head on Eiji’s shoulder, a reassurance from holding onto Eiji. 

They sat there for a moment, so achingly desperate for each other that through all of the tears, the hurt--emotional and physical---, the apparent anguish, there was peace. The moments before were chaos, the most unsure and unstable in their lives, but the moment had passed, they were still there. Eiji didn’t run away and Ash didn’t disappear from existance; neither was dead, but their hearts...they hurt like they could be dying.

_ I should have known. I should be better. I should have realized. He told me point-blank dammit. He said that ‘things weren’t drastic enough’ and that he would have ‘sacrificed himself for me’. He thought I would have left if I had known. He thought that I would have been disgusted with him.  _

For a moment, their hearts synced and settled, and their breathe, tears, and sniffles were all that they needed.

_ “Have you always…” _ Eiji hated finishing the end of that sentence, but he took a deep breathe of courage and continued.  _ “Have you always felt this bad?” _

_ “Yah,”  _ Ash replied smally, nodding his head.  _ “Yah, pretty much.” _

_ “Has this happened before?” _

_ “Not this bad,” _ Ash spoke, his breathe catching on the words. 

_ “No, usually it’s me thinking...it’s me thinking,” _ Ash sniffled, wiping his nose with his wrist.  _ “It’s me thinking it would be better if I wasn’t here.” _

_ “Ash-” _

_ “No one loved me, people only wanted me for sex or power, I just couldn’t take it sometimes.  _ ** _Please don’t be mad.”_ **

_ “I’m not mad,”  _ Eiji smoothed over, using his hand to pet Ash’s head.  _ “I’m not. I’m just...I’m scared for you.” _

Ash sniffled in response.  _ “Me too.” _

Ash cried, the sobs shaking his body down to his poor fractured soul. There was something horrible and comforting about it, sitting there crying on each other’s shoulders, scared of each other and for each other. 

_ Maybe it’s always been this way. We just never acknowledged it.  _

Eiji held onto Ash tighter, Ash burying his head into Eiji’s neck more. 

“I’m sorry.”

_ “You have nothing to apologize for,”  _ Eiji whispered, his voice pulled taunt. He blinked away the tears in his eyes, his heart hurting so much that he didn’t want to speak. 

_ “...I never meant for you to find out like this.” _

_ “Were you ever going to tell me?”  _ Eiji blurted out, the silence after the answer enough. Ash latched onto Eiji tighter, resting his cheek against Eiji’s shoulder. 

_ “I’m just so tired,”  _ Ash sobbed, crumpling into himself more like a piece of paper folding from a flame. 

Eiji didn’t know what to say, and instead rubbed Ash’s back while he cried. 

A few tears snaked out of his eyes, staring into the plain looking wall of Ash’s bedroom.

After a while, Ash’s body faded in silence, his breathe heaving, tears rung out, voice raw to a rasp. 

Eiji held him, until Ash doubled tapped his back, Eiji pulling his melted body out of their hug. 

Ash didn’t even look like he had cried. His eyelashes were wet and there was tear trails down his cheeks, but nothing else gave away his sorrow. 

But they were so close. Eiji could see his strands of hair, the individual blond eyelashes, vivid light of his emerald eyes, the expanding and contracting pupil.

Ash closed his eyes and put both hands on Eiji’s face, bring his face so close so fast that Eiji panicked when Ash kissed him. 

Just as soon as it started, it ended, the contact so brief and endless that Eiji wasn’t sure if he had closed his eyes.

Ash looked down at Eiji and then got clambered out of their embrace, leaving Eiji stunned.

Eiji didn’t turn back around for a minute, finding Ash sitting on his bed with his box of band aids and tissues, as though he hadn’t shaken Eiji’s world.

_ “What was that for?” _

Ash shrugged, wiping his lips at the mention.

Eiji turned back to stare at the wall, before standing up.

Ash was putting the box of band aids away and pulling the inseam of his boxers back down, handing the box of tissues to Eiji, who took it gently. 

Eiji blew his nose and threw away his used tissues in the garbage can, while Ash went silent. 

They sat like that for a moment, legs folded, facing each other, Ash looking into Eiji’s eyes--caturazing their connection in burning truth. 

_ “Do you want to talk about it?” _

Ash shifted, coughing away whatever was stuck in his throat and bring his eyes away from Eiji. 

_ “I...I just wanted to let you know that I’m not leave.” _

Eiji stilled at those words. Ash sheepishly brought his eyes back up. 

Eiji held up his pointer finger. Ash put his pointer finger against Eiji’s, connecting them. 

_ “Was...why, was this time different?” _

_ “...I guess because we were starting to heal,”  _ Ash explained, bringing his hand down to fiddle with.  _ “It felt so much worst...I had been so use to it back then, but this...I just…” _

They sat like that for a while in silence, trying to savor each other’s company. 

_ “Are we okay?”  _ Eiji finally asked, looking at Ash.

_ “...I don’t know…” _

_ “...Me neither…” _

Ash shifted among the stifling tension, looking for another distraction, another direction for them to go.

_ “I brought some snacks,”  _ Eiji interjected poorly.

They ate and chatted on the floor, among the used tissues, grasping for a sense of normalcy after their unsettling confrontation. Neither wanted to meddle with it, but the wounds were too fresh. 

_ “So, I know we are pretending like that didn’t just happen, but… what can I do to help?” _

Ash stopped chewing and looked away for a moment, contemplating. 

_ “I don’t know. I usually just talk to you and that makes me feel better.” _

_ “Well, what if you talked to a professional? Like a therapist?” _

_ “...Maybe.” _

_ “Just, think it over. I love you, but if you don’t feel comfortable talking about things like this, you should at least tell them to someone else that can get you the help you need.” _

Ash nodded, taking another bit of his Twinkie.

Eiji sighed tiredly, Ash noticing the redness around his eyes.

_ “Do you need to go back?” _

_ “Probably.” _

_ “...Do you want me to walk you back?” _

_ “If you don’t mind.” _

_ “No, I don’t.” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: self-harm in the form of cutting, intense emotions, thoughts of suicide, ignoring problems (to an extent)
> 
> I'm sorry to not catch up, but after this intense chapter, please take a break for your mental sake. 
> 
> I also want to state how I am not writing this to fantasize self harm and suicide. I am in no way trying to make it into this mystical thing that adds more hurt to Ash, but as an unhealthy way for him to be coping with what he has gone through. There are several hints through the manga and anime of Ash's indifference to death, to the point that he sends himself on suicide missions to spare everyone else. Also, as pointed out by Eiji, it was a worse reaction than his previous experiences because of the time he had to try to recover from his trauma.   
The point is that I try to write realistic reactions of people.
> 
> ;-;
> 
> ~ iijustoii


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